On the Eve of Fate

{Goodbye 2010! I will miss you sorely: all that you were to me, yet so much you have taught me forever. Greetings, 2011!!! :D}

I am a person of lists. If there was a list for life (long though it might be), I would be one of the dorks racing to read it.

That's not to say that I'm good at following the lists. Checking things off, conquering projects, and reaching goals makes me hugely accomplished (which is why list-making is so very helpful). But you can't live by a list. It's like living by the law: it just won't work.

Be that as it may, almost every single New Year's Eve (or several days prior...) I grab a notebook and scribble down the changes I want to see in myself - my New Year's Resolutions. Then I type up the finished product in some snazzy fonts, print off a couple of copies, and put them around my room.

Usually, three months later, I've lost all or most of the copies. I also have scratched off approximately one thing from the list.

Next year rolls around, and I can't even remember some of my so-called resolutions.

And yet, I'm going to do it again this year. Why? Because it helps me to get my thoughts down on paper. To really identify what's important and what's not. Maybe I don't have enough resolve to carry out my resolutions, but at least I've tried.

But this year is going to be different. This year, I'm going to fully acknowledge, to myself and my faithful readers, that this "resolution" list for 2011 is going to be secondary. Secondary to one thing, one phrase, one thought, one idea that I'm praying transforms every part of me into someone I can no longer recognize:

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:31

Everything. All. Whatever you do.

Those are incriminating and binding words. They're iron chains of truth that cannot be dissolved by time or desires or human power. And you know what that means? It means giving myself, body and soul, to the One who will never let me go.

My heart.
My soul.
My dreams.
My plans.

Everything about me that I don't want to lose is going to be given up. For, "He who finds his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it."

ZEAL: fervor; eager desire or endeavor; enthusiastic diligence; ardor; passion.

This is my dream for the New Year. Ushering in 2011 with a fire burning inside of me, a flame unquenchable. For if He is for me, who can stand against me? If I have His love, whose other favor do I need?

Christmas, Graffiti, and other Epic Things

Getting into the "Christmas spirit" at last :) *sigh* God is so good, is He not? Where would my life be without Him? When everything's so inconsistent and just the opposite of peachy-keen, He's constantly the same. Plus, I don't have to worry about finding someone to blab my secrets to ;)

{The rest of my post is random thoughts that don't have any lessons or helpful information to spout, but may in fact become useful as I go along...If you dislike ramblings, you may want to stop reading here. Heh heh.}

Graffiti! I want to learn how to do graffiti :) If it wasn't so illegal, it would be so very...never mind. Graffiti wouldn't be half as attractive if it weren't illegal. But all it is, is art with spray paint. [Shut off the part of your brain that is screaming vandalism. Please.] And just because those artists happen to be punks or no-good teenagers (not what I want to call them but how others view them) doesn't make them any less talented.

Besides, it looks cool :P Anyone want to teach me?? I WILL learn one of these days! Then I'll paint random walls in my house with amazingly distorted words and pictures...

Has anyone besides me noticed that the word "epic", once a phenomenon of the human slang language and a truly unique word (if I do say so myself), has now become overly used? I hear is almost as much as "cool" nowadays, and it's getting on my nerves. Just slightly. It doesn't help that it's coming from adult mouths, too -_-

If something doesn't make you think twice, or spit out whatever is in your mouth, or jump up and down with joy (or rage...), or make you gasp, then it probably isn't epic. Even then, that's stretching the definition :P

As you can see, I'm starting to rant. I just would rather type it all up then fill one person's ears with all of this nonsense. Which is why I shall not take offense if you found this boring because, quite honestly, I have absolutely no reason to boast that my thoughts are interesting. They're not. The only reason thoughts are interesting is because they don't sound like your own...

I should stop there. That's sort of a story idea I had a while back, but NaNo interupted and I haven't returned yet. I'll save the imaginative tale-spinning for bedtime.

Adios, amigos! Au revoir, mon ami!

Meaning

I haven't posted in a while =X Tape my mouth shut and cut off my fingers (I have my crazy friend Abby to thank for the thoughts of dismembered appendages :P).

Or something.

My life has been a crazy mess of mixed-up feelings (oh, the deceptiveness of emotions...) and random events lately. There are little daily trials, joys, triumphs, and failures, but I forget them as soon as I sit down to type.

It's hard to find the meaning in my days, sometimes. Ever feel as if you're chasing yourself in a little circle, unable to break the cycle of being what you hate? Ever wished you could do something stupid, destructive, or just plain dark in order to feel as if you could put your mark on the world?

I know you're probably thinking, "There goes Caitlin, being all dramatic again..." Yes, call it drama, or depression, or being emo, or whatever you like, but it's just me. Letting my feelings bleed out onto paper (er, the screen). It's kind of therapeutic for me to write about what I'm going through.

But I'm sure you're quite bored ;). Anyway, back to reality. Here it is: what I'm going through is both significant and insignificant. God is what truly matters. Everything else is just dust bunnies cluttering up the room.

Goodnight to all! In the cold night, think on your life. Think about what matters. Because, while no one is opposed to going caroling or buying friends and relatives Christmas gifts, most people are afraid of putting their lives in God's hands...

[If none of this makes any sense, that's okay. Be comforted in the fact that I will probably wake up tomorrow, read this post, and be just as confused as the rest of you. If, however, you have gained insight/meaning, then I am humbly pleased that God is working through me <3]

Pure as Snow

This beautiful, pure, fresh-fallen snow is reminding me how God forgives. How, through His son, I have been washed clean and all my sins are forgiven. Not only is this making Christmas more of a spiritual reality, but it's making me excited for living this life I've been given FOR HIS GLORY!

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." ~ I Corinthians 10:31

This is an incredibly short post...but I have life to live! :)

Snow Wanderings

The snow has arrived!! :D And then, I'm afraid, it melted a bit today...

I don't have much to report. I've been writing a lot - I have to get as much as I can in before Christmas break hits and I get all lazy ;). I'm almost done with all of my Christmas shopping (yes!).

Still not in the Christmassy mood. I've got music, my mom has the decorations up, and there is some caroling planned, but I just can't seem to get pumped about it. I suppose, though, that Christmas isn't about being excited. It's about where my heart is.

And right now, circumstances being what they are (aka, unsatisfactory to my selfish little desires...), my heart is having to rest entirely in God. It's both frightening - letting go of the control I think I have - and amazing - resting in His love and plan.

It's like walking into a blizzard, sometimes.

One Lovely Little Mess

So, like many hundreds (or is it thousands?) of others, I completed the NaNoWriMo challenge. Ta da! Thus follows pats on the back, applause, and general awe...

All of which makes me think that I deserve a break. But I don't.

The novel, my glorious story, is very far away from being actually finished. Revising is the next step, than editing, and than handing it out to those of my friends who are being conned into giving me their opinions (heh heh).

And after all of that relatively easy stuff, I have to go through the process of deciding what to do with the thing and how to do it...possibly publishing...query letters...

Ahem. Maybe I should shut up. I'm freaking myself out.

Anyway, to see to it that I don't chicken out and leave my manuscript in a corner gathering dust while I live out my life in snow-heaven (snow! :D), I am going to use this blog as an "accountability partner", if you will. All of you who would enjoy harping on me to finish, well, go ahead and do so :) (blog email: elizabeth.marie.inked@gmail.com)

Randy, over at AdvancedFictionWriting thinks that goals, penalties, and prizes are the way to go (and I happen to agree). My current goal is this: have manuscript through the first preliminary edits (I'm thinking three?) completed by the end of December.

I know, I know; I'm shooting for the stars here. Or am I? ugh. Tired of thinking.

I further hope to be handing my manuscript over to a real editor (a friend of mine) by the end of January.

I'm gonna need some real work ethic, writing tips, and a lot of support. The latter one means you guys :P Even if you're not reading this, I don't care. Just putting it up on the blog is going to help. Writing out what I've done (or not done, as the case may be) is going to force me to take action.

Life will go on, though: school, Christmas shopping (oh snap...), snowboarding (only four days to go! :D), chores, and my relationship with God. Also, I'm learning bar chords on guitar.

Life's one lovely little mess, isn't it? :)

Tidbits - < ^ _* + ! ~ `/

I like the idea of sitting down with a newspaper, just reading away, and smelling that wonderful smell of newsprint in my nose. Unfortunately, we never get the paper. But now the newspaper is only a collection of accusations, horrors, deaths, and political aspects that everyone reads but nobody believes, anyway.

Am I totally wrong on this? I admit that I could be...

Antique technology sounds like an oxymoron. And I love oxymorons <3

There is something about finishing things that is infinitely more difficult than starting them. Anyone, for instance, can wash a few dishes - and still leave the kitchen a mess - or perhaps cut up an old dress in preparation for sewing it - and then leave it in pieces. But the people who finish things are the ones who become things.

I am not a finisher. But I am going to be :)

Why is it that sad songs can almost always make me sad, but happy songs only make me happy sometimes?

Growing up involves a lot of growing and more "down" than the phrase suggests.

I've let my book (NaNo novel) sit for a day or so, but I printed it out (all 202 pages of it) and it is now sitting in three different folders, waiting for revisions and edits. It's tempting to look at it, but, as The Plot Whisperer says, I am to leave it alone until I've done a bit of pre-work. Mostly with my characters.

So yeah. Here's a few tidbits from today :) That's not including the range of motions that I've been through, or the disappointments I've had, but that's okay. They're pretty juvenile, not to mention minuscule, anyways, so the less I mention them, the better.

Ta ta for now!

Godliness With Contentment

Just a reminder to look down below (waaaaay way down below the posts - give your mouse a nice little workout) to the cute little pictures I put there :) The first two are Pon and Zi and the other one is just...self-explanatory.

Now that you're back from your LONG journey to the "end" of my blog and back (and had a good little smile at those pictures), you can hear what I have to say.

...Or not. I can wait. Although it's awfully hard *sighs*.

.....

Have you ever had those moments where somebody tells you you're acting a little down and out, or they ask you what's wrong, and you go blank? And then, suddenly, you realize that you haven't been yourself for most of the day. You're grateful to that friend for seeing right through you. But you're also left wondering: Why?

I did that today. I didn't think I was having a bad day - and, truth be told, I wasn't; I was in a blah mood. There's no point for being that way, though. I have an AMAZING family, AWESOME friends, SPECTACULAR books to read (and write :P), and a host of other things to be happy about.

Being satisfied is just not easy to do. Probably because I'm looking in all the wrong places...

So happy "Happy Place" hunting! We're all looking for that place, that person, that situation, that is going to make our lives complete. Guess what? On this earth, we're just not going to find it! God is the only thing that can ever truly give you (and me) the contentment and purpose that we so desire.

God's Forever,
<3 Caitlin <3

Winter Wonderland

(Despite the happy-go-lucky clouds floating in the background, I really am thinking about winter! I have changed my blog yet again...but it's only natural, since I keep changing as well ;))

Today was a glorious day because it snowed. I know for some of you (perhaps many of you), snow is a bother, because it means driving slower, wearing more clothing, and buying new tires. It means cold and lots of wetness.

But for me, snow is something else entirely. [No, I'm not immune to being cold and wet (unfortunately).] Snow is a miracle. It's beautiful, not to mention pure, in its whiteness. Snow means snowball fights, sledding, and snowboarding - and don't forget those odd snowmen with noses that are falling off! It means laughing in awe and wonder as something lighter than cotton candy brushes your cheeks.

Pretty soon, there will be icicles. Ice, you say, and shudder with dread. But think of the beautiful light reflected inside a piece of ice. More beautiful than man-made glass, ice is sharp and dangerous, while at the same time frail enough to melt at the touch of a finger.

Winter is a wonderland, is it not? I can't say that I'd want a whole year of it, but every time it comes around, I am glad to see it. And even if none of those things about winter intrigue, there's something else wonderful about it: just when the cold is most bitter, you can curl up safely indoors with a blanket, your favorite bunny slippers (don't lie - I know you have some :P), hot chocolate, and a novel. Bliss.

Every day you are alive is another chance to make a difference. To enjoy what God's given to you. To love someone. To rejoice in the fact - and that fact alone - that God is *awesome* and holy and merciful.

<3 SnOWflaKes <3

NaNo Update!

You've been waiting to hear me say these words, haven't you? Don't lie; I know you're just as excited as I am. These words are so, so, SO amazing, like music to my ears...

I BROKE THE 100K WORD COUNT.

*cue leaping, screaming, celebrations with dessert, and a good night's sleep*

Er, that's what should be happening. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to beat the clock (I know, blogging isn't on the schedule, but I had to tell you all), because my novel is still UNfinished.

I'm trying to focus but I can't; I keep telling myself that if I can't finish it, then I can always cut it short and write a sequel :) There's just not enough accomplishment in that, though, haha.

Other Wrimos, how are you doing??!?

~ This is key: the end of the world may be tomorrow or in a thousand years, but no matter what, I'll know that today I did what was right...won't I? ~

A Moment

There are those times when you just stop and see life as being encompassed in one single moment of time. You can feel the seconds slipping by as you sit there. And then you get up and move on.

And forget that time is borrowed. That a second wasted is worth so much more than you think it is...

But don't go overboard with that. You could get messed up that way, viewing life in seconds, and focusing on every little movement you make - bad idea.

Do stop and think, though. About what you're doing and who you're doing it for.

Today was my oldest brother's birthday :) So we celebrated, ate good food, played some games, and acted lazy [it wasn't just an act :P]. I missed out on quite a few hours of NaNo writing...oh, don't remind me...but I wanted to spend time with my family. God knows how much I've ignored them all November long.

Meaning that now, when I'm ready to curl up and read a book before climbing into bed, I'm going to go upstairs and write as much as I can for the evening. Write until my eyelids won't stay open, my fingers are cramped, my legs have fallen asleep from being squished by the laptop, and my body is going crazy from too many late nights.

The problem with late nights is that I have to reward myself with something, such as watching a movie or eating a carb-high snack...but this is life. Crazy, demented, a heck of a rollercoaster ride - with more downs them ups, it seems - and a journey of faith <3

KEEP WRITING ALL YOU NANOERS!!!

KEEP WRITING ALL YOU WHO REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN NANO :P (we still love you anyway)

...and for those who just don't write...KEEP LIVING CRAZY!

Out of Control:)

I'm on Day 27 of NaNo!!! That means I have 3 days left to write, not counting today. My word count is getting up there, but the problem is that my plot looks like it's going to over-reach the word limit. Meaning that I'm going to have to squish and yank to get my plot to fit this format of 100k.

I think I put too many superfluous scenes in my novel. lol. But I am enjoying this creativity of babbling :).

This blog is looking dull to me again. Should I change it? Or does anyone enjoy the notebook paper background? Or is it that I need more of a focus to have everything else about my blog revolve around? Hmm.

I'm going to be so sad when this month is over. December is going to hit me hard, with all the schoolwork, Christmas shopping, parties to plan, and cookies to bake. My hair has a million split ends, I have a giant zit on the side of my nose, my reading has been sorely neglecting, and our car is dead, but this month has been one of the awesomest months of my life! :D

Although...I have begun to miss people, a little. My social life has been sort of lacking during November, even though I've been on Facebook way too much x).

In short, my life is haywire and crazier than ever. But...I can't help but like it when it gets that way. Life isn't meant to be perfect and organized - or at least not all the time. When we accept that, we get a lot more done AND we learn to appreciate the spontaneous. Those delays that make us impatient, those mix-ups that drive us insane; it's all a part of His plan. We're not in control.

So here's to writing, living, dancing goofily, and loving the ones around me in a way that accepts this crazy life that's so out of my control <3

(Feel free to comment, or email me at elizabeth.marie.inked@gmail.com)

Crapulous

It really is a word. I wouldn't have thought so. If someone had come up to me today and said something about seeing a bunch of crapulous freaks, I would have laughed and called them a dork (is dork a word, technically? lol). But although I am a word connoisseur, I cannot boast in my vocabulary at all.

That is why I've subscribed to a couple of online dictionaries that send me Word of the Day emails, thus adding to my vocabulary on a daily basis. :) (There is one small problem with that, though: I don't always take time to read and/or use that word every day...fail.)

Crapulous is quite fun to say, though, and even more so because I can guarantee you that practically NOBODY knows that it's a real word, and even LESS people know what it means!!!

Crapulous: marked by intemperance, esp. in eating or drinking; sick from excessive indulgence in liquor.

So there you have it. Crapulous. And let me just tell you, there were a lot of crapulous people at the wedding I served on Saturday night...why, oh why, do people have to get drunk? It really is not attractive. Nor does it make your life glamorous.

I must remind myself not to judge others, though. We are all equally sinners and fail-ers and mess-er-up-ers. The only thing that makes me different is that God is in my life :)

The Weekend

Struggling to keep up the fight
Holding onto my sword
All I see is the beautiful sight
Of everything I do not own

Stand, you've got to stand strong
So I tell myself
But no matter if what I feel is wrong
That's what I want inside

So there's my weekend summed up. I'm reminded of the post I wrote last week, about making WAR against sin in my life. But all I can think about is doing things that I'm not able to do right now, and being places that I'm not, and hanging out with people who aren't here.

I'm not content at all. It's awful! The worst part is that there's no one to blame it on but me. And even though I know that there's a purpose, I know there's a God who loves me, I can't seem to focus on that.

My eyes are turned downwards. Today seems like it's flying by without my consent, and yet it's dragging, too, because I'm not doing anything that I want to do.

Anyone else struggling with things on this sunny Saturday that should be gorgeous and amazing because - guess what? - we're alive!?! Just post a comment so that I know I'm not alone :) Or...you could try to make me laugh. I'd make you laugh, too, except that I don't seem to have many smiles to share today =/

Lord, help me to see Your plan and to trust in You.

The Triumphant Returns!

I don't mean to brag, but I've just got to tell someone about today's achievement! And it feels spectacular, just spectacular, I tell you.

I wrote over 8,000 words today!! (Almost 9,000!) :D That's twice as much as my daily word count is supposed to be!

Needless to say, it was a good day. But now that it's over, and I'm headed for bed, I find myself wishing I had reached 10,000. Now isn't that just like me to never be satisfied? Honestly.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here - a pat on the back, a reward in cash, a hug from a friend? - but I feel like I'm not getting it :P

Is anyone else exceeding their NaNoWriMo expectations? I'd love to know about your nano story, even if it isn't going so well. It's all in the learning and fun. And, of course, the words.

While we're on this subject, let me just say that all this time, I've been pronouncing it wrong. I pronounced it Nan - oh - wree - mo, when in reality, it's supposed to be pronounced nan - oh - rye - mo! Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner? I've been disgracing the name! Oh well. What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet (at least, I think that's how that quote goes...).

Goodnight. I'm off to bed with a *gag* sore throat. That's what I get for drinking two cups of coffee today -_-

Passion - On Fire

Jon Piper has a three-part AWESOME sermon called How To Kill Sin. You can listen to it for free, or read the text for it, here:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Along with that, listen to this song that actually begins with a short excerpt from this sermon! Which is a really cool idea, if you ask me.

Tedashii - Make War

We are not here to be "okay" Christians, "safe" Christians, or "boring" Christians. We're here to glorify God with a life that shows how passionate we are about Him! Safety, easy, impossible - all those words are myths that we have fallen into the trap of believing. Life is not easy, for either the good or the bad. Life is not safe, because "safety" implies lack of risk, and you know what? We cannot escape risk! (Okay, that's a bit of a rabbit trail, and if you want to hear more about that, read Jon Piper's book, Don't Waste Your Life.)

To be these great people on fire for God, we must first become new. Changed. And conquerors. Conquerors over our own fleshly lusts and sins, conquerors over our bodies and our thoughts and our emotions, conquerors that are not afraid of what is temporal and human and vaporous.

We fear God, and nothing else.

Do you want that? I do. So here I am, bending the knee, and praying that God will change me and give me His Holy Spirit to teach me to do all of these things, to give me a passion for Him <3

Looking Like a Sel-Fish =/

This verse really hit me this morning.

~ Philippians 2:3-4 ~
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

It's convicting, isn't it? All of God's Word is. You cannot escape the truth; and why would you want to, when it can set you free?

Yeah, I'm still writing. Still focused deeply on nano. But this verse just reminds me how much I was focused on ME today. And it's making me incredibly sad.

Everything that goes through my head, every day, is about me. Not about God, not about others. You know the kind. Here's a sample: I'm thirsty; I'm hungry; I hate washing the dishes; school is getting worse every day; why me? And so on and so forth. There's no escape from self.

I have become a fish. A selfish person. No, scratch that; I always have been selfish. Now is the time to change, though.

So I quote the verse again, promising to memorize it, to quote it whenever I start complaining. I think about the wistful looks my brother gives me when he's bored and he misses his recluse-of-a-sister who won't play a game with him, and I know that I am selfish. I picture all the friends that I've neglected...there's always something I want. Always something that isn't mine to have and to hold, and I WANT IT.

But when the day is all said and done, or when my life has faded away, what will any of that matter? Even if I become famous, or successful, this life will just burn - all my hard work to make something of myself will blow away on the wind like ashes. So where do I stand?

On the brink of God's ocean. Waiting to be swept away, afraid to dive into the murky depths. I won't be able to see in there; I'll have to walk by faith. And I'm scared. Being selfish sounds really easy, doesn't it? Or just ignoring the truth. Yeah, that's nice, too.

But not for me. I'm going swimming :)

Day Three

Hold your breath. It's only day three.

But I have now reached a total of...

NINE THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED, AND NINETY-THREE WORDS!!!!

Wow. That's a lot of words. Also, it sounds more impressive when written out, instead of just putting four little digits. Just sayin'.

First two days were cake. Absolute cake. I have no idea why. I started to worry that I would get cocky, or just totally deflate in about a week O.o Today was somewhat harder, but not difficult, per se. My brother is encouraging me to go for 100k (normal is 50k) since I'm not having trouble meeting my word counts. 100k! My first year!

Can I do it?

One thing I know for sure is, I won't do it unless I decided to do it. I'm just not one for snappy decisions. Wish I was, but that's not how it's going to be. Sooo after some consideration, I've come to the conclusion that I am going to try to write 100k words during the month of November in a worldwide "contest" of sorts (aka NaNoWriMo) that may or may not end up killing me/ruining my social life/and making me into a recluse forever!

How's that sound? Forceful enough, you think?!

Preparatoriness is...failing...me... lol

This is, supposedly, my last free weekend until after November 30. Makes me feel restricted -_- and I don't like that. But writing for NaNo is going to be fun and very, very good for me. All sides of me. Particularly the side that is procrastinatory :P (I made a new word. Like it?)

I've been planning stuff for nano for almost a month now. I have a writing nook set up, my laptop is geared to go (my Facebook addiction is going to have to get knocked out the window...), my plan for 2000 words a day is all laid out...inspirational notes are tacked on the wall :)

One thing I did not plan for, however, was getting sick. I have a cold. Two days before November 1st, and I GET A COLD! Seriously? This is not helping.

Relax. It's all in God's hands. I was already nervous before this; being sick certainly isn't going to improve my determination and focus on writing. Or maybe it will. Maybe I'm just acting like an over-concerned parent about something that is supposed to be an enjoyable, expressive, and learning experience! It's a hobby! Haha, it's more like my life ;)

But there should be absolutely no stressing out over this. Right? Are we all in agreement? All who agree say, "Aye!"

Another thing...I don't even have a stash of nano snacks :(

I will survive. I will write. I will live and learn the whole way. And I am just going to go with the flow...as I dream of snowflakes and snowboarding. Heh heh.

<3 Elizabeth-Marie <3

The Countdown Begins

FIVE DAYS TILL NANO!!!!!

Pardon me. You wouldn't believe how long my computer has been waiting, patiently, to get put on CAPS LOCK. He just enjoys it so much, you know? You really can't blame me for indulging him in it every once in a while.

FIVE DAYS till my writing abilities are PUT TO THE TEST!!!

The excitement is building. I've been waiting for only a month, but I still feel as if I've had to much time to build up my expectations of how NaNo is going to pan out for me. It will either exceed my expectations, or it will considerably disappoint them, because there is absolutely no way that I would be dead right on my assumptions.

Take it from me, I've been wrong before. Wrong before a lot. But that isn't important right now. What's important is...

OH LOOK A SNOWFLAKE!!!

(Not really. Mr. Caps is just getting annoyed again, since I started using some italics there for a minute. Italics and CAPS and bold are all at war. Didn't you know that?)

Everything in life is at war. Negative numbers vs. positive numbers (that's one war I seem to be losing *sniff*). Cake vs. pie (cake is sooo much better!). Winter vs. summer. Girls vs. boys.

Lots of wars. As long as we're just talking about friendly competition, and only a few casualties ;), I'm in! I enjoy a good war (just not the ones our country seems to be participating in...but that's a different story entirely). Please tell me I'm not imagining all of this. You do remember cheering for the positive numbers as you worked your math problems, right?

Oops. Never mind. I'm revealing far too much information about my crazy, mad-hatter imagination. You know, if I was talking like this back in the 18th century, I'd be locked up by now O_O in an insane asylum *gulp*. We don't do that anymore in America...do we??

Tell me I'm not on the same scale of delirium as the guy who wrote Alice In Wonderland. His characters are quite fascinating, though...

YIKES! that was an *epic* rabbit trail x)

Anyway, I'm counting the days till NaNoWriMo. Ahem. Drumroll, please. DRUMROLL! Fine. Be that way. The days are slowly slipping away; I only have so much time to do a quick sweep of research so I can get down to the fun part - writing!! :D

Are you counting the days down till Nano?

<3 Elizabeth-Marie <3

Season's Splendor

Have you ever noticed how different all of the seasons are? Obviously, if you live in Florida, or some other southern area where the heat is generally rampant, you don't have much to choose from. Not to boast, but you are missing out! Because watching the seasons change is something truly inspiring and special and...just all-around fantastic.

But back to the major changes.

Each season has its pros and cons. It's more than just a change in temperature and form of precipitation. It's a feel in the air, a flavor in the wind, a color in the sky, a texture in the grass, a sign in the trees, and a mood falling upon the animals and people of the world. Autumn holds both bright blue skies and pewter-gray clouds, rain and sunshine, smoky scents in the air, fog in the mornings, crackling leaves, frost on the grass, and a million other delicate details that, combined, create the image that lasts beyond the life of a deciduous leaf.

Winter will soon break upon us, sweeping away the remnants of dead leaves with its icy arms. Ice and snow and sleet will rush some of us indoors [and the braver ones of us will take the hint and rush for the ski slopes and snowball fights ;)].

Each season holds a gift for us. Even if you would prefer a different season, a different temperature, or a different weather pattern, there is always some little joy to be found in the season.

I love autumn <3 I can never take enough pictures of the color, the vibrancy, the decay...every part of it fascinates me! Except for the ladybugs. I think I could manage my life without those bothersome beetles.

~ "When it feels like this is as good as it gets...just take a second, catch your breath, and realize this isn't over yet. It just feels that way sometimes." :) We look at the day and everything gets complicated and huge. But...it isn't. So calm down. Think it through. And try to see your world through the eyes of a different perspective ~

...isn't feeling like putting a title here....

My blog has undergone yet another change. No one's really been keeping up with the morphing evolution of my blog, but if they were, I'm sure they would have been annoyed by now. As it is, I can just keep fiddling with it as much as I like till someone says something =)

Ah, a gorgeous day! The Lord's day! ~ Rejoice ~

...Why am I on the computer?

I told myself today that I was going to STAY OFFLINE and only use my computer to a) listen to music, b) listen to sermons, or c) do something important that couldn't wait till tomorrow.

Whoops.

But I couldn't risk someone seeing my blog in its awful, two-day state of airy clouds that posed an image of superficiality. So I simply had to change it!

Excuse moi. I'm being awful. I'm getting of this stupid, tempting little machine RIGHT NOW and I am going to do something worthwhile with my time! So good bye. I'll see you tomorrow, most likely (unless for some odd reason I just can't stay away from my laptop for twelve whole hours and I show up later tonight, dancing my fingers across the keyboard again).

Au revoir! <3

Relative blogs and truth

I'm thinking my blog's new skin is a bit too...airy. Almost as if it's just going to float off the page when you're not looking. But then again, I'm prejudiced ;) - I love anything dramatic...

Nano is getting closer every day!! :D *Cue jumping up and down and waving a pen in the air* I really hope my happy little excited bubble isn't popped by the evil Editor within me that simply refuses to let unchecked babble litter my pages...soon, I will let the spontaneous and babbling parts of me loose! "Freedom!" they cry, as they attack this adventuresome project with anticipation.

Except, right now I have some research to do. Since my book is going to include a couple of places I've never been to (like Alaska and Shanghai, China - random, I know), I have to look them up and try to get a general idea of what they are like. It's really interesting, though, and I'm enjoying it =)

I just hope that a) time, b) research, and c) writer's block don't curb any of my enthusiasm. No use worrying about it, though.

God is the lord of my life. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes, I start to think that it's all about...well, me *sheepish look*. Stupid little me. So if I start sounding completely self-centered, please give me a slap. Or a splash of harsh, cold reality. Or maybe...just a little truth. Because the truth is what's keeping me alive these days.

When you write about anything and everything, you start to dream of the impossible (not a bad thing, really). And you start to live in a world that's not real (which can be a very, very bad thing. So, pardon me, if I slip away into a nonexistent place, or start talking to invisible (aka nonexistent :P) people. Heh heh.

It's okay to imagine and dream and create new things. But it's God, my lifeline, my truth foundation, that I hold onto, that I count on to keep me from being swept away in the flood of Relative Truth. To Him I return after I forget about Him - and He always accepts me back into His arms :)

Writing to Save My Life

Or...something like that.

This blog needs a purpose. Erstwhile, it was a form of expression for myself, an outlet for my creative ramblings that are so random and disjointed that they cannot be used in any reasonable form of authorship (poetry, novels, how-to manuals). But because it is simply that - a network of rabbit trails - no one will benefit from it or be interested in it.

Therefore, it will have a NEW purpose. For the month of November, I will be documenting (or ranting or sulking or all other moods that I am likely to encounter over the thirty-day period) my journey through the Land of NaNoWriMo, which I mentioned in an earlier post.

Fighting off editorial thoughts, battling with procrastination and writer's block, and encouraging the constant flow of the River Babble locked inside my Imagination, I'm going to put 50,000 words on a piece of paper and hope that they become something more than black-and-white graves.

I'm going to write a novel in one month.

It seems almost as frightening as Jack Sparrow's plight: sitting on a deserted island, surviving on rum, and left with nothing but ponderous thoughts and a gun to shoot himself. If I wimp out, if I give up halfway through my mission, then I will have given in to suicidal thoughts against my writing career (meaning, shooting my intended authorship lol). But if I complete it...there's no surety that I will actually have a publishing-worthy manuscript; in fact, I can nearly guarantee that it won't be anything close to publishable. If i succeed, though, I will have gained experience.

Which, as we all know, is invaluable.

I dare you to join me on this crazy life-journey to no foreseeable end in a place where anything can happen - and generally does ;). You can laugh at my blunders, wail with me when I fail, and cheer me on (silently, of course) as I blog about writing, writing, writing.

Writing *gulp* 2000 words per day.

But hey, I can do this...right?

Or, you can choose to go on your own adventure and join us nanoers at .

<3 Elizabeth-Marie <3

The Let Down :(

In case you haven't noticed already, I'm a pretty forgetful person. It's something that I'm certainly NOT proud of (because it means that I seem very undependable). I mean, I keep forgetting entirely about the Word of the Week!!

Sorry favorite bloggers :(

...I don't really have any, do I?

Right. So...no one's disappointed. Oh well. What matters is, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF.

Maybe I need to do less. Or maybe I just need to have more discipline. Either way, I realized that dictionary.com has a Word of the Day thing that will be much more organized and *dependable* than mine, and it's free (obviously); it's what I'm going to be using :)

Also, I found this great thing called NaNoWriMo!!! :D I'm extremely excited about it - pumped, actually! It's this great thing where every November, writers get together over the internet and spend the whole month writing a novel. 50,000 words in one month. Think I can do it??

Well, that's okay if you don't, since I'm not entirely sure I can either :P but it would be awfully nice if I could have some SUPPORT from you guys!

Never mind. That's really selfish of me. I am excited, though, and I just thought I'd tell all ya'll :) And you might want to check it out, as well.

....and...I'M BACK!

I took a short hiatus from the blog...sorry. But, oh man, you missed a lot! :P

I do have a reason for that *little* break of, er, almost two weeks. I was on vacation!! And it was amazing! :D

We went to Outer Banks (OBX for short - doesn't that look cool?), North Carolina, which meant a very, very long drive there...and coming back was somewhat worse. But I will brave travel just to get someplace other than where I'm at - and I know that there's a lot of people who do the same!

The people I went with were great, and so was the huge house almost right on the beach, but the real reason I went was the ocean. I just love the ocean. Waves crashing on the beach, washing foam and shells onto the sandy shore. Rhythmic beating; it's a sound that could never be replicated. Sand getting in everything - shoes, clothes, carpet, swimming pool, bed, shower - and instead of hating it, I enjoy it, because where I am, there's just not that much sand to go around.

Ghost crabs are HILARIOUS! They get so freaked out...and they're creepy. But also kinda cute. I know, I'm not making much sense. But this is crabs we're talking about; how can anybody be expected to have a normal reaction to crunchy little fragile things that pinch you and have eyes that stick out the top of their heads??

I saw dolphins swimming way out in the ocean (so amazing) and a whole flock of pelicans flying overhead. Nothing like getting greeted by the natives to feel as if you belong :)

There's a whole lot more to tell about what I did, where I went, etc., but there's something more important in all of this that I need to confess. The whole time I was in NC, I didn't read my Bible at all. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad. But the thing is, I didn't pray or anything. I took a vacation from home, from myself, and from God too.

I ignored Him.

How can I be such an idiot sometimes?! What reason did I have to ignore Him? None, absolutely none. I just wanted to be self-centered for an entire week.

And now, getting back together with Him is harder. Figuring out how to enjoy Him again. And every time I sing a praise song or open the Bible now, I feel like I'm not really connecting to Him. That our relationship is not sort of fake.

Not cool =/

Serving the Dishes

Er..."Serving with the Dishes"?? Never mind :P

I was in the kitchen making dinner (it wasn't involuntary at all, I am sad to say; I do so little for my mother =/) tonight, and I started to wash a few dishes - house rule: you make food, you wash your dishes. And I was like, "Hey, I could do a few extra for Mom."

And I had a sudden thought. What was keeping me from doing all of the dishes? I mean, really. Why would I stop with just three or four? Sure, I had other things to do (important things like BLOGGING and writing and reading poetry and putting together outfits), but I will always have things to do. This, this need to be doing things isn't just going to stop at some point and I'll magically be able to serve others.

My life is about serving God. Serving Him with my life doesn't mean simply praying, reading my Bible, getting alone time with Him (although it is those things, too); it's about doing the work He made me for. Glorifying Him through every action.

I washed dishes. It was a simple task, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how often I blow these things way out of proportion. Serving others is only disgusting to us because it means putting someone else first, and we don't like that. Not one bit.

But it takes very little effort to go out of your way and do something a little extra. It's not like you have to do the dishes every day for the rest of your life! Just remember that even if no one notices, God does. And He's the one you're doing it for anyway :)

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

Delayed Reaction - yeah, yeah

The first week for the Word of the Week contest and I have utterly and inexcusably failed you. No, really, I have excuses (naturally), but none of them are any good, and it all boils down to "busyness" and priorities.

And while we're on the subject of priorities, let me just say that posting the definition of an awesome word on my awesome blog on a Monday night when I'm exhausted and I have a million things to do and when I know that there is very little likelihood of anyone ever reading the post about the *awesome* (did I mention the awesome part?) word, well, it isn't exactly on my Top Ten list. Sorry.

So I'm here on a Tuesday night, ready to post about the WORD OF THE WEEK! Gosh, is it only Tuesday?? I was sure that I was eating up the week much faster than that and it was starting to worry me. *Whew* But then again...it's almost Wednesday...ah!!!

Okay. I DO have a word. It's coming. I need a drumroll. Or something. Come on, you guys, kick me a fat beat, will ya'? (If you want to know what a fat beat is, exactly, I don't know. Maybe that should be on the future list of things to blog about: phrases that make no sense.)

And the WORD OF THE WEEK is...

~ Apathy ~

Definition: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.

Great word, huh? You can go here to read the other definitions of this word, and if you click the "Thesaurus" tab at the top, you can get all kinds of cool synonyms and antonyms for the word :D

The timer is starting (a day late...)! Better get to work using that word!

Now that everyone has scattered to do my bidding - which would be fun to watch and even more fun to savor as a moment of control - I can breathe again and just relax. Sleep sounds good right about now. So does reading a good book or eating some amazing snack.

What does NOT sound good is that pile of laundry waiting to be folded, the horrible alarm clock crouching on the shelf, my room that is in need of decluttering, the list of things to do that needs to be written down...somewhere...and the shower that's calling my name.

Actually, that last one sounds quite tempting.

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!

Elizabeth.Marie.Inked@gmail.com

Email me :) I don't like empty inboxes! :(

did you get that correctly? Elizabeth dot Marie dot Inked at gmail dot com.

Purtyyyy simple.

Word of the Week

So what do ya'll think about me putting one word up here, at the beginning of the week? Like a vocabulary word. One that I am going to try to use in:

a) normal everyday conversations
b) novels/poems/whatever I'm currently writing
c) this blog :)

Now, since that's cool but not exciting, let's make it into a game. [I love games! :D] Let's see who can use it in the best ways, as much as possible, and actually memorize it's meaning so that you will have it stored away in your memory for later usage!! I'll try to start out with ones that don't sound overly antiquated or long for everyday use, but I might slip some tough ones in there...

Rules

Rules! Let's see. You can't use it in a cheesy way. You can't tell anyone that it's your vocab word for the week (shh only bloggers must know! it's like...a secret. A secret-secret.). And you have to use it more than once during the whole week (in an intelligent way, please).

I'll post a word on Monday. Everyone who wants to join in the challenge can do so! Just post a comment here letting me know how you did and what you did and if anything ^strange^ happened to you because of it ;). Which reminds me; I really need to get an email set up just for fellow bloggers. It'd be so much easier if you could just email me your stories/thoughts or anything at all that pertained to my blog and the stuff I talk about...I'll be doing that today, hopefully! *fingers crossed*

Winners!

The winner of the "Word of the Week Contest," which will (Lord-willing) occur 52 times a year (but not that many times this year, since I picked a very inopportune moment to start this whole thing, which is so very unlike me; I ALWAYS wait for the opportune moment - usually :P), will be notified every Saturday.

Notified, as in, I'll post it on this blog. *Unless*... UNLESS I get someone's email address - someone who is excited about this (or maybe just interested, since no one seems to match my excitement in this area of life *sigh* maybe I'm just the odd ball out?) - and then I will also email that person as the WINNER! :D

Prizes

Some of you may just have skipped right to this part of the post. Heck, I would've! Prizes are the most important part of any contest! Well, actually, the most important part is the participants. But, since I don't have any (yet), I'll have to settle on prizes for Number One on the Important List (haven't you ever wanted an Important List? A list with everything that's Important - with a capital "I" - on it? No? Oh. Guess I really am an odd ball).

What should the prize be? An entire blog post dedicated to the winner?

Nah.

Chocolate?

Very tempting...considering that I will win most of the contests since no one is going to enter because no one is READING this silly thing!!! But if I'm the winner and also the contest manager, I would have to buy chocolate for myself.

Doesn't sound so bad :P

But I can't deplete my life-savings by buying chocolate once a week. Not only would I not have a car (or any of the other necessities in life) I'd most likely gain my freshmen fifteen before I even became a college freshman!

I would NOT be a happy camper -_-

So unless I get more than 5 contestants to be a part of this weekly contest, THERE WILL BE NO PRIZES.

This means that if you want to be rewarded for your efforts, you'd better bring your friends on board! Yell across your neighborhood in a xylophone (er...some time of phone. I don't think that that's the right kind, though...)! Post it on your blog! Join the fun!!

Or...if this is just boring...click the "boring" button at the end of this post (each of my posts has one of these, but no one's been clicking on them, so I've felt great for a while). And then I'll know :)

Toodles!

Au revoir!

iRegret

Today I was filled with regret. Regret for all the stupid things I've done recently, all the mistakes I've made, all the people I've hurt and frustrated, all the moments of my life that I've wasted. And I was so ready to just quit this stupid cycle of messing up and asking for God's forgiveness and then going right back to where I was and messing up again!

I just can't take that anymore. It's depressing. And today, I just wanted to be depressed. Leave me alone and let me be lonely and forlorn and depressed. Not a good attitude, but that's how it was.

But I just realized how utterly ridiculous that frame of mind is. How being in a depressed mood may seem fine while you're there - and you certainly don't want to be happy - but it really just makes everything else worse. It seems like you're stopping the sick cycle, but you're not. You're just wasting more and more time in your pity party.

I wasted half of today in that aspect. And I might die tomorrow (no, I don't have a fatal wound or disease or anything like that). I don't know how much time I've got.

Ending the Cycle

The only way to stop the cycle is to live. Okay, major duh! But I mean to change the way you're living. I don't really know how to do things differently (and it's making me depressed again! argh), but God is still there. He's trying to show me, trying to push through the walls I keep making. The truth is probably right in front of my face - that's how it usually goes. And I don't know when I'll be able to see it.

But that doesn't stop me from trying.

I am depressed mostly because I feel like a failure. And, in light of what I've been doing - or, more accurately, have been unable to do - I really am a failure. I regret all of this. I regret being who I am now. I hate looking at my reflection and seeing what I am inside. So if I regret my mistakes...and wasted time...sitting around being depressed is just going to be yet another mistake. It's just going to waste more of my life.

Time is ticking. The clock never stops. Heart's beating, carrying life through my veins. And I can't stop the noise all of this is making in my head.

Un-Depressing?

You can't just stop being depressed. I know. It doesn't happen that easy. Especially if you actually want to be depressed (...guilty as charged...).

It starts when you surrender it to God.

Ouch. I'm so not giving in THAT easy! Really, I have to give Him everything? Even my emotions?! That's crazy. They're mine.

It's not about faking the emotion, the effort, that attitude. It's not about suddenly being "happy" when you're really not. It has to start with your heart, and it has to be God's work in you.

It doesn't let you off the hook, though. It's still your life. And all you have is this second right now. It's your choice to make. You decide.

Every second is a second chance...

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

Reading

Switching from Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy to a modern teen novel is...well...not good for the brain. It [meaning my brain] doesn't know what to do. The first chapters of the teen read were making me feel almost dumb and I LOVE, absolutely love, modern teen novels with all their randomness and sarcasm (and in some cases incredibly deep stuff which I also love)! So please, spare yourself the headache and don't switch back and forth between classics and modern stuff.

I still have yet to sink my teeth into Moby Dick and Dorian Gray! But I got sidetracked but Paranormalcy. Don't get mad at me; I simply can't help it. Now all I need is some dark chocolate...

Food is starting to become more than just a staple for me. Like, instead of eating to live, sometimes I start living to eat (not completely...I'm not obese or gross or anything :P). Stupid, right? But food is just so amazing. Of course, most of the things that make it amazing (like butter, grease, sugar, chocolate, SUGAR, etc.) are horrible for your body. Why, WHY must it be this way?!

Oh well. Enough of lamentations over food. Get over it, Em.

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3
ps: I keep forgetting my signature. Only, it's not a signature if you don't use it all the time, right??

Happy Endings and Time

The blog is staying as is unless I get some feedback. For those of you who dislike my blog, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT and tell me! :) Otherwise...suffer the consequences :P lol

I watched a movie called Extreme Days tonight, for about the fifth time. It's a Christian movie about four guys who go on a road trip along the west coast, and they snowboard, skateboard, and surf on the way!! :D It's amazing. And so I don't sound completely corny, there IS a girl in the movie heh heh. But it's just so full of fun and goofy-ness, and, in my mind, it is a classic. When all other copies of it are destroyed (it's bound to happen at the rate we are increasing in technology and all that, right?), I will still have mine. Not sure if I can promise about sharing it though. Only if you're the kind of person who will laugh at it all.

Dear oh dear, where does the time go? Does it disappear into space, never to return?

Well, that sentence was just going to be for show, or something, but it definitely wasn't supposed to be *literal*...and now I'm thinking about it literally, and wondering, where does time go?

Does it go into space? Does it just...die?!

Okay, halt. Doesn't the Bible say somewhere that "time is in God's hands"? Either way, it's probably not something I should try to wrap my medium-sized (I couldn't say "little") brain around. Or at least not around midnight.

Although...I like thinking at midnight :)

Speaking of thinking. Before I go (yes, I'm getting ready to sign off, so you don't have much more to read ;) lol), I want to say this: we always get annoyed with the happily-ever-afters and perfect endings and the guy ending up, inevitably, with the girl. But if we get hit with an ending that is NOT perfect, we call that story "depressing" or "unsatisfying." Am I right?

So where do you stand with happy endings??

Blogging Image

I just read Natalie Whipple's post on improving one's blog, and mine pretty much fits into most of the "no-no" categories XD

Long paragraphs (does that bother anyone? I know I tend to ramble...actually, that's what I'm doing right now), dark background, text in the middle of the page, etc. But, really, dark backgrounds make reading difficult?? They're so much more dramatic and emotional than light backgrounds, though! Should I switch the skin of my blog? Really, tell me. I've got to hear this.

The text in the middle of the page doesn't bother me...but then, I may be biased ;) Actually, now that I look at it with a critical eye - going against my very nature as an artist! - I see that my blog looks a bit overcrowded. But I finally got it settled in a way that was satisfactory to me! ah!

Or so I though -_-

Gory Sacrifices??

I'm reading through the Old Testament right now and I just finished Exodus and am currently in Leviticus, the book that happens to be filled with all the specific instructions describing the way to present multiple burnt offerings, grain offerings, sin offerings, etc. to God. And it can be quite wearying for the reader. I mean, it repeats itself so many times.

I started getting sick of hearing about "burning the entrails" (not a very nice mental picture...) and "sprinkle its blood all around on the altar." I can see people reading that and going, "If God is some bloodthirsty dictator that needs constant sacrifices to be appeased, then why would I want to 'serve' Him?"

But then I started thinking about the possible reasons that God would have the children of Israel do that. First of all, God is holy. Completely unblemished and set apart from us. He can't be near sin. So, for us to be able to be in communion with Him, so to speak, we have to be made holy. The sacrifices of lambs and doves and bulls (and everything else that was killed in the Old Testament :P) was a temporary form of atonement for their sins, and it allowed them to come before God with a priest - the person who oversaw all the offerings and acted as a interceder between God and the people - to be their holy mediator. This requirement of blood to make us holy has been forever satisfied by Christ's death on the cross! This is why burnt offerings are no longer required from us (praise the Lord for that).

Also, think about how much people would have hated bringing an offering before the Lord every single time that they sinned. I don't know about you, but I sin an awful lot. Imagine having to kill a ram every time you lied. Maybe it wasn't quite that extreme, but even so, it would make the whole process very distasteful, and I think that we would be less apt to sin outwardly. We'd think more about what we were doing.

These thoughts all led me to the conclusion that God didn't make up these rules just to make us suffer. He made them so that serving Him and doing His will wouldn't just be a flippant thing. During the time of the Old Testament, a person's riches were shown by their herds and flocks - their livestock. If you were continually killing your livestock because of what you were doing, I don't think that you would be very flippant with coming before God. It was all about reverence, realizing that you couldn't just come before God whenever you wanted to, that He wasn't just some friendly deity who could be appeased or whatever and you could get what you wanted from Him.

I really think that we Christians today are not reverent enough towards God. We focus on what He can and does do for us, instead of how we can honor and glorify Him! It's awesome when we can see His hand in our lives. Indeed. But our lives - yes, even our lives - are not about us. They are about Him. Our purpose and life-goal is to glorify God! When we pray, how does it begin? "Dear Lord, thank you for this beautiful day you have given me, please help my friend to get well, show me how to love my brother, amen"? Where, in all of that babble about us (and I'm not saying that I don't do the same thing; I do) is there a speck of desire to glorify Him with our whole lives?!

If this is what you want, if this is what you need - and you do need it, because I am convinced that this is what we all need - then I suggest digging into the Word and discovering for yourself how you can best glorify and seek Him with ALL OF YOUR HEART, SOUL, MIND, AND STRENGTH. Reading Jon Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life" is also very, very helpful and thought-provoking, and contains multiple references to the Bible.

We are living sacrifices to God; we are on this earth to glorify Him, and we know that He will do what is necessary to bring Himself that glory from the whole earth, in the end. So we can trust that He will use us if we wait upon Him. I offer myself up to Him, "a sweet aroma to the Lord" and I am content knowing that this is the real me: when I come before Him on bended knee, and serve Him as my one all-consuming passion.

Lifting Up One Another

Fever Fever rocked the house (er, church) last night!! :D woot! I got two free t-shirts, bought a cd from a young band called The Divide (they have some great guitar stuff in their songs). I go crazy at concerts. A little wild and overboard, maybe, but it makes everything so much fun. How can you stand in the crowd at a rock concert and not be moving to the beat?

Let's just say that music can transport me to other places. Sometimes it's the future, most of the time it's the past, it can make me happy, sad, contemplative, crazy, and a plethora of other emotions.

But Vince, the bass player for Fever Fever, took a couple minutes towards the end of the concert to talk about their mission to the world, and their band, and God. One thing he said really caught my attention. He was talking about bad days - who doesn't have them? - and how we always want God to save us. We want Him to come in and physically make us happy or change our day from bad to amazing. "There are several reasons He doesn't always do this," said Vince. "He could come in and save the day every time, if He wanted to. But I think one of the reasons He doesn't, is because He wants us to look out for one another and help each other. Jesus said that we will do greater things than Him [I found that this passage is in John 14:12]. Now, did He say that because we're more powerful than He is? No. I mean, He's God!"

He went on to say that God wants to use us - that He delights in using us in others' lives, for His glory. We are the lights of the world, the Body of Christ, and we need to be reaching out to others! I think as Christians, we sometimes get caught up in our own spiritual lives and problems, and we forget that this life is being lived by millions of others who all have pains and fears and troubles. What are we doing to encourage others in the faith? What are we doing to ease the pain for others? "Two are better than one..." the Bible says, because one can help the other.

This fight for life isn't meant to be fought alone. Every battle is fought with God in our hearts, but think how much stronger we could be when we stand together! There are so many little things, simple things, that we could do today and all days to ease our brothers and sisters burdens. When your burdens grow heavy, don't you turn gratefully to that friend who always seems to be able to lift you back up? Return the favor.

Love one another, as Christ also loves us.

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

9/11 Remembrance

Hey, I really did forget that today is the anniversary of 9/11...but my last post, from today, reflects that. I mean, I didn't lose anyone during 9/11, but I could have, and I could lose someone even today.

So I am thankful. So, so thankful for what I have. And even if it is all taken from me today, I will still have God <3

Saturday Morning :)

Anything is possible when the hip-hop music is blaring and you're cleaning up the kitchen on a Saturday morning :) Especially if you just had an amazingly relaxed morning with homemade brunch and a movie...

Sorry, I don't mean to brag, but...I HAVE ONE OF THE BEST FAMILIES EVER!!! :D My mom is great about making us cool snacks, and I love it when my big brothers come home on the weekends - it's like party in the house, woot!

But yeah, I'm just really thankful to God for all my amazing friends and family right now, and I know I take them all for granted way too often. I take my life for granted. And I take God for granted.

So here's to realizing what you have, instead of worrying about what you don't, and being THANKFUL and in AWE of God today :) I want Him to be my all-consuming passion <3

Breath of God

Oh no. I almost typed "I hate" again. I was about to start complaining about how stupid and boring and...yeah, anyway, about how I feel right now. NO SATAN, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! lol. I can't get away from myself lately -_-

Instead, how about I share something we read in family devotions last night?? My Dad had us read Job 37 (he loves Job), and this one verse just really hit me. Verse 10: "By the breath of God ice is given, and the broad waters are frozen." I immediately pictured breath, holy breath from God's mouth, floating over the earth and everything it touched turning to ice.

It was just so beautiful in my mind! And I was filled with awe for God, who works wonders in our lives, and in our world, and most of the time, we just don't notice. We don't care. We can't focus on Him right now because we're too busy - or whatever.

But He is THE ULTIMATE. Do you realize that? Do you believe that? There's nothing better or greater or stronger or holier than He is. Nothing will satisfy you like He can. And nothing could ever take his place.

So no more stupid whining or pining away for things that won't actually bring me happiness. Without Him, everything is lost; and what I lose to gain Him, is as nothing in light of who He is.

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

Loser

Don't you just hate it when you wake up on the right side of the bed (as opposed to the wrong side :P) and the day is great and you go off and fight and work and accomplish...and at the end of the day, you feel like a complete failure?

I hate feeling like a loser. But it seems to be happening more and more lately. That's why it's so AWESOME when I remember this: I am more than the choices I make, more than the mistakes I've made, more than the grades I get in school, more than the muscles I build (or don't build...) - I am so much more.

Not because I'm not a loser. No, I really am a loser. There's no getting past that one.

But I am so much more because God has made me! He defines who I am!!! And I don't need a second verdict from anyone else. I don't have to be "successful" or "beautiful" or "perfect."

I just have to have faith.

Faith in who He is.

Faith that He has a plan for me. Honestly, He knows everything; there is no way that I can mess up the plan He has for me. And even when I suck at whatever I'm doing, I can always come back to His arms of grace.

This is not an excuse for laziness. This doesn't mean that I should quit trying. On the contrary, it should inspire me to do more, since...

...If I fall, He'll pick me up. And nothing will happen if I fall. Losing face? Looking dumb? Who cares! His opinion is all that matters.

...If I fall, I get to try again.

...If I fall (and believe me, I'm going to), I'll just get closer to Him, and I'll become more and more refined and more and more ALIVE in Him.

...And if I fall...it will probably hurt. I'm not going to like it. But really, what do I have to lose???

"If He is for me, who can be against me?"

Even losers can win. But that doesn't always make them winners ;)

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

Autumn Breeze

Well, by the time I actually get online, all of my inspirational thoughts seem to have scattered in the wind. I'm very sorry.

Speaking of wind...I am loving all the breezy-ness these past few days! So refreshing and reviving. It's like something pure is blowing against me, washing everything away, and leaving me with a reminder of everything that is past and that is to be.

I love it.

What's one thing that you really enjoy about the outdoors? Something that men can't make - they can only replicate. It can be anything. Even an animal :) [And if we're talking about animals, I really love tigers. Just so you know.]

Autumn breeze
Blowing through this house
Signaling death
Elusive as a mouse
Painful and dull

Everything's dying
But someday, it will be
Made new

[random poetry...or non-poetry. whatever you'd like to call it...]

Fears and Fun :D

Happy Labor Day Weekend everybody! (Thought I'd put this at the front, since by the time I get to the end of my post, I may forget to say it. And I really wanted to say it. So I did.)

Sorry to say (actually, I'm not THAT sorry to say it :P) that I have been far too busy with my social schedule to bother with my writing. But, one needs a break from writing every now and again, right??

So after going to my grandparents house on Thursday and Friday (my grandma gave me this really unique necklace that she got from Finland!), I went to a park and played sports with my friends. Sports are so wonderful :). After exhausting ourselves (I try to group us all together, but I think I'm probably more of a wimp than most of them), we bought some half-gallons of ice cream (woot!) and ate it at a friend's house, had a bonfire, and played Capture-The-Flag in the dark.

I sustained several injuries. Words of wisdom: don't try to attack the ground when you're playing soccer - it can leave scars. And hitting the volleyball without aiming can have disastrous results. Despite the enjoyment of playing soccer in bare feet, I wish that some people (won't mention any names *cough*) weren't wearing cleats...but I'll let the bruise on my foot tell the story. Later.

My friend spent the night and we watched Bourne Ultimatum (I think I went to bed around 2:30am).

Today, I went shopping and bought some comfy, plaid (plaid! love the plaid!) flannel shirts. I love autumn, and wearing autumn clothing. We ate at Arby's, and, wonder of wonders, I really like that place! Their curly fries leave an impression (a good one, of course). To think that I didn't eat at Arby's till I was eighteen years old...

That's gotta be worth a page in the history books ;)

I smell like guy cologne (is all cologne for guys? I have no idea) from Hollister (oh yeahhh baby) and it's making me happy :) I'm thinking about buying some. For myself :P [Can you honestly say that you've never wanted to buy guy clothing/cologne before? If you can, I am shocked. Shocked. Only girls can answer that lol.]

Riding home from my grandparents house (yes, I'm backtracking here - amazing how words allow you to go backwards or forwards in time), the rain was falling on my windows, and I was listening to The Fray (perfect rainy-day music). And I suddenly realized what my two biggest fears are.

1. That I will waste my life.
2. That someone I know, one of my friends or relatives, will waste their lives, will die without knowing Christ, and will be forever lost to me. (And I will know that it's my fault, because I didn't do enough. It's true. I'm a horrible friend =/)

The only thing that all of these random thoughts/actions have in common is that they occurred this weekend. And I felt like telling you :) Clearing my thoughts, sharing my little joys and trials. It feels good, sometimes.

I'm pretty darn happy with my weekend (and it's not even over yet!). Hope you are, too.

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3

September, I greet thee :)

September! It's here! The first day of a new month!

The season's changing, yet again - woke up this morning, the sun was just rising, and there was fog still floating just above the ground. Fresh, crisp. The autumnal splendor is coming!

Yesterday, I read Ice by Sarah Beth Durst, in its entirety! 'Twas a good book. It had a sort of twist on Beauty and the Beast (which is my all-time favorite fairy tale, btw), although don't go thinking that it was a remake. It most definitely wasn't. The ending was extremely satisfactory :). I couldn't put it down (though that might have more to do with the fact that I haven't read a just-for-fun YA novel in a couple months and less to do with the story's suspense...)! Also, I kind of snuck in some reading during school hours...

Yes, I'm horrible.

But I got to check it off my reading list! I wish I could buy it, though; I had to settle for borrowing it from the library =/ The library is one of my best friends, though - I hope we never lose it!

I am currently writing two novels and a short story (at least, I hope it's a short story - it may decide to morph into something altogether different though :P). It helps me to have more than one story going at the same time, so when I get bored and/or stuck, I can just switch my creativity into a different outlet, without feeling as if I wasted it :)

Chapter Titles

What do you think about chapter titles in fictional books??

Personally, I dislike them. It usually gives away what's coming next, and the whole point is to end the chapter with some sort of cliff-hanger or means of suspense (even if it's not an action/mystery genre, you still want there to be a sense of unknown).

I'm sure there are some people who use them as a means of foreshadowing; maybe they've found a way to do it while keeping the suspense. But I find it easier to go with just numbers, instead of titles.

Writing is so much easier when there is inspiration. But we don't always have the luxury of that. Sometimes, we have to write just to get the words out, just to keep writing. It's hard to keep the focus, though.

<3 Elizabeth Marie {or Em} <3

5 Things I Love/Am Thankful For :)

1. Hoodies

They are adorable and comfy. Find an over-sized one (guys sweatshirts work great) and snuggle into it on a cool evening. Ah...bliss :)


2. Music



Music is more than sound. It's a connection between the performer and the listener, and it's an intertwinement of words and melody. Okay, trying to describe music is like trying to describe what I feel when I look at the full moon when I'm sad - it's impossible, and trying just makes it worse.


3. Laptops

Portable, personal, and...uh...very lap-ish =)

4. Fans

They are a convenience that is positively priceless when you live in a house without A/C (and I do)! I am so very thankful for them...

5. Sugarrr <3



Sugar is sweet, sugar is nice, sugar is better when you put it on twice. (Ignore my random insertion of silly rhymes and strange poetry.) Anyway, sugar - though not healthy in the least - is a wonderful thing! EVERYTHING is better with a little sugar on it :)

This post is reminding me to feel thankful when I am currently in one of my "moods." I get a "weird feeling"; I just don't feel like myself, and I dislike myself, and I am strongly inclined to do stupid things that I regret the next day. And what's even more annoying is that "dying to myself" is just not going well. =/

A Revelation!!!

Have you ever had a revelation from God?? It's like suddenly turning on a light after sitting in a pitch-black room for hours. What was staring you in the face for weeks and months is clear to you in a few seconds.

And you just sit back and say, "Wow." (Or at least I do.)

Today, I had one of those. And let me tell you, it was awesome. The Holy Spirit got inside my head and just kept throwing one concept after another at me, and following it up with Bible passages. It was like I had to run to keep up.

In John chapter 3, Jesus talks about how we have to be "born again" (Nicodemus's reaction was like mine: "What are you talking about?"). Mark 8:34-38 speaks about how we have to "lose our lives for Christ to gain them" and if we try to gain our lives, we lose them (think it's confusing? I'll explain). And then there is Romans chapter six.

I looked up a lot of other references too (I'll list them at the end of this post), and they all just confirmed the whole message I've been getting these past months, all saying one word: surrender.

SURRENDER.

Surrender isn't easy. It means giving up. Losing. Saying you were wrong, or you can't do it on your own. But when you surrender to God, what you're given up is only what is fallible and perishing, and what you're gaining is what is eternal and everlasting and perfect.

The scales are tipped in our favor, don't you think? I mean, we surrender, and we get more than we had before. So what are we waiting for? Let's surrender!

Wait a minute. Back up. What are we surrendering?

Good question. We are surrendering ourselves. ALL of ourselves. I have to surrender every little dream and desire, every piece of myself, to Him. I have to die to myself.

We are crucified with Christ (or should be); Christ rose from the dead, so then after our death, we are resurrected with Him, too. It is only after the death - only after we have killed ourselves - that we can become "born again," living for Him and through Him.

So right now I'm going to go on a journey. A journey that absolutely leads to death. And I can't let anyone else kill me - it has to be me, and me alone. After this death (which I have a feeling is going to be slow and painful), God will accept my body (which is what the Bible calls "a living sacrifice") and will resurrect me from the dead.

I will no longer be a slave to sin. I will no longer live for me. I will be alive in Christ.

This figurative death makes sense in theory...but I'm still working on what action I need to take to achieve it. I made a list of "keys" that I think would be helpful for me to follow.

Keys:
1. Shut up (every time I open my mouth, it's usually to express MY opinion...so, I'm "deleting" myself, and shutting up)
2. Be still (the Bible says, "Be still and know that I am God." 'Nuff said.)
3. Know Him (and who He is)
4. Trust Him (with everything. It's not about me, so why should I be fearful of death or humiliation or anything else that I'm afraid of? I need to trust Him completely - surrender.)
5. Surrender (which is pretty much what I'm doing, but it still needs to be on the list lol)

Maybe it's not about an action, though; maybe it's about the opposite of an action. Like when you're actively not doing what you would normally do. For instance, keeping my mouth shut when I'd like to speak. I could be over-thinking this...

I'm quite aware that this may sound completely crazy. Which is why it's hard to post it on my blog (even though no one is reading it!). But even if I lose everything else, I will have gained Christ, and that is what matters. His glory is my passion. I want to be consumed by Him. And if that means alienating fellow bloggers, losing some of my life-long dreams, or suffering in any way, so be it. I am going to do it if I achieve Christ.

And if I achieve Christ, my life will not be wasted.

So pick up a glass and have a toast with me. "To death," I'll say. To death.

I'm still not sure how I'm to go about doing this. But I'm following God's lead. If you think of it, pray for me...


References: John 3 & 4:34, Mark 8:34-38, I Corinthians 7:32-35, Luke 14:33, I John 2:15-17, Colossians 2:20-3:4, Romans 6

Spontanous! Woot!

Isn't "woot" a great word?? It's so small and basic and fun to say :)

The past two days, I have done spontaneous stuff - and I am so proud of myself! Don't give me a pat on the back, though; it might go to my head...Anywho, last night was our church Talent Show (they're lots of funnn). I sang some worship songs with our group, but I was also going to do a duet with my BFF. But a couple days before the show, I got sick, and I wasn't sure if I'd be well in time (which would be sad) - and we hadn't even practiced together for about a month!! So we canceled. Then we got to church, and we're like "What the heck? Let's just wing it!"

And we did :) and I was so glad that we did. It was fun and we did a great job.

The thing is, a couple weeks ago, I would have wimped out and procrastinated. I would never have done that. I'm changing :) And it's cool to watch.

Today, I did another *spontaneous* thing (haha). I made pasta! This is not a revelation - I have made pasta before. But I usually don't make food without being asked to. So, hey, I made myself some awesome fettuccine with zucchini (lol); I got the recipe off of Food Network, and I chose the "healthier" version (oil instead of butter, milk instead of heavy cream, and zucchini instead of meat). It was tasty and I was happy for having made it.

So high five peoples!!! I'm making history. Well...sort of :P

Bible verse of the day: "Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but ALIVE to God in Christ Jesus our Lord." _Romans 6:11_

Strangers

Most of us see strangers every day. They are the people who fill up the world, but they don't really connect to you. They're just there. Doing their jobs, going about their lives, operating in circles quite separate from your own.

But what happens when a stranger affects your life? What happens when an unknown person intrudes into your bubble and shocks you by popping it?

What if that kid on the bike got run over by a car right in front of your eyes?

What if the girl running the cash register (the one who, let's face it, gets judged by us all the time, when we don't even realize it) goes home and commits suicide?

When you know something about a stranger, does that change them? Are they no longer random people - do they become something else? Are people just random people until you know them?

(This is a post that I had saved in my drafts; I just never posted it. But I remember that I was really thinking about this: should people be strangers to us? We're all connected, all humans, all living on the same planet. Why should we feel so disconnected? Why do we have the attitude that "it's their problem - not mine"??)

Confession

I sincerely desire to break into the writing world, and I was - I am - hoping that this blog will be what does it for me. This is a rather good aspiration, I think; I just feel very chained to Time, time that I feel like I don't have.

The temptation to model this blog after thousands of others (make it full of fun, secular ideas, and me, me, me, all the time) so that I can become renowned in Blog-World, is a powerful and very seductive one. But if I succumb to that, if I choose the broad path, I will be losing the greatest secret to happiness there ever was or ever will be.

I will be losing my focus, my inspiration, and the one thing that truly holds me together at all times: God. Nothing can compare to Him. Nothing can separate me from His love.

I am afraid that bringing God into my writing and my blog(s) will hinder my progress and success in the world. I am afraid that I will offend some of you by mentioning Him.

But life really isn't about success. It's not about being on the New York Times Bestseller list (which would be simply amazing). It's not about being so loved and lauded that you're never lonely (which doesn't make you un-lonely anyway). And if you think about it, you'll know that this is true. Life isn't about those things.

Sometimes we have to take a stand. It can be a stand for anything - so long as you truly believe it, you can make that choice.

And I'm choosing. Right now.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek." _Romans 1:16_


P.S. I will now be signing my name as "Marie." It's not my real name (it's my middle name) but I kind of like it. So, hey, it's what I'm going for right now :) lol


<3 Marie <3

Triumphs!

Hurrah! I finally figured out the whole tabs and pages thing, and at last have some more info and interesting things on (or is it "in"?) my blog!!!

Excuse me while I go rejoice and eat some chocolate and dance in the gorgeous sunshine.

Er...scratch that. There are a few problems with the celebration plan: one, I'm supposed to be doing school right now (stupid laptop is distracting me - I won't let it happen again), two, I don't have any chocolate (*sigh*), and three, rejoicing in my blog will do no good since NO ONE IS EVEN LOOKING AT IT.

But you can't say I haven't tried :)

Trying counts for something, eh? "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Although, that can become a bit annoying.

I've got the sniffles...and the writing bug!

(Is there anyone besides me on this planet who has wondered how a nose can be "stuffed up," per se, and yet still be runny all the time? Quite a waste of trees, don't you think? No wonder my nose is getting sore...I've been wiping it with trees -_-)

There's something about being sick in the summer that feels so very, very wrong. Arguing with a stuffy/runny nose doesn't do much good, though (Me: "You shouldn't be bugging me right now, it isn't cold out!" My nose: "Your point is? Really, I should have to be ignored for the greater part of the year, just because you don't like me...").

On the plus side of this complaining about having a cold (yet another reason why you should only have them when it's cold out!), I have been doing lots more writing. Being lazy agrees with me, apparently. I can only take so much of it, though, before I start getting restless and wanting to DO SOMETHING besides sit on the couch all day!

It doesn't help that school has just started; I have to be studying while all my brain wants to do is imagine things. Imagination doesn't help me much with math :P

So...any suggestions on what I should be writing? Besides, you know, the blog (yes, I know this is my second post today, but the other one was so short...). No one gave me feedback on yesterday's post which means *drumroll* ahem, I said, *DRUM ROLL!*

*bdbdbdbdbdbdb*

Which means that the blog will stay exactly how it is: random, slightly helpful, and in need of much tweaking. But I'm blaming it on you, my non-existent readers. And if you don't like it, why don't you tell me?? I'd be very happy to know.

Of course, since my emotions and personality tend to change on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, the blog may turn out to be hot pink tomorrow. Or even filled with woodchips. After all, it IS subject to my imagination...

God Gave Me You :)

Have you ever heard the song "God Gave Me You" by Dave Barnes?? It's a great song. It's how I feel about all of my friends - God gave me you guys to go through life with, and I don't know what I'd do without you :)

If you have people close to you that you love and you don't think you could ever live without, please tell them. Tell them that you care. Tell them they mean the world to you.

Because it's true.

And if someone is reading this who has never been told that someone really loves them, then here you have it: God loves you.

Don't wait for them to be the first to say it. You can never sincerely say "I love you" too many times!!! If someone loved you, wouldn't you want to know?

Changes

I keep changing the blog's "image"; I really can't decide what I'd like to do with it. And I suppose that that stems from the fact that this blog doesn't have a unifying purpose - it just is. I randomly talk about my life and what God is teaching me.

But I could go in a bunch of new directions. Like I could add stuff:

* cooking ideas (always fun...)
* writing exercises/tips/updates/samples of my own work
* random media reviews
* photography

Or I could just generalize the whole blog into one thing:

* spiritual
* writing/literature-related
* inspirational
* my hobbies

Or...well, I'm pretty much out of ideas after that. And I must say, would someone PLEASE help me out with this?! Ideas are helpful - even voting on the ones I listed would be awesome!

But then again, I'm doubtful that anybody's really reading all of this...

If this were a facebook post, I would tag all of my friends so I could make them comment :)

scrawling on the pages of life :)

Yesterday I did something random without meaning to :) I stayed up till midnight, chatting online. Which, just so you know, is not my normal practice :P. Although, I do love staying up late! Being a night-owl is what I do best.
I started a conversation with the main characters of my current unfinished novel (all my novels are unfinished at this point) today :). It's helpful, fun, random - it reminds me of being a little kid and conversing with my imaginary friends, only the focus is on the "friend" instead of me.
The whole "little kid" thing is joke. Who am I fooling? (Probably no one. xD) I still have imaginary friends and adventures when I'm alone in my bedroom. I still color with crayons occasionally. Adulthood? What's that? I'm just starting the second stage of being a kid: trying to tell the world it's okay to still goof-off when you want to =)
Anyway, back to my unfinished novels. Or rather, the conversations I have with them. Sometimes I feel like the stories are writing themselves (those are the times I feel like a real writer)! I'm just the tool, typing away on my laptop, shaping the words and adding punctuations, as my characters yell at me to type faster and pay more attention. Which I usually don't do, because I get side-tracked.
I know it's not a very nice thing to just halt your characters right in the middle of whatever they're doing, but my life kind of takes priority over theirs. But I use my characters, because I need them for, eh, recreational purposes (haha) and to make my mark on the world (which may never happen; I suppose I'll come to terms with that gradually).
I made french toast for breakfast this morning. Note: I need to practice cooking more. Adding it to my mental list...

And then, at the end of this babble about myself and what I'm doing, here's a reminder (mostly for myself) to not focus on self: "Do not love the world or the things in the world...for this world is passing away, and everything in it."