Saturday, April 23, 2011


I'm not in the mood for much of anything, at the moment. I'm in the mood to watch a movie -- which translates into a non-mood. Because when I'm in a movie-watching mood, it means that I basically don't want to think about things that cause me pain, I don't want to try to solve my problems, I don't want to deal with imperfect things/people, and I would rather be dead then be me. Cuz watching a movie is about as active as being dead. Yet I'm in that mood so often! Kind of disturbing, isn't it? I'm more of a zombie than I thought.

Movies, books, and the internet are my three methods of dipping into an alternate reality. It's like stepping over some invisible line and escaping the red cross hairs trained on my pinhead. Once I've let my mind enter either of these three fairy tales, I cease being myself. I'm just an objective opinion on the fringes of a great story. I'm just following someone else around as they live their life.

Because I don't want to live mine.

This post started out as a sort of journal entry. Whenever I let my mind wander, it seems to come to its own difficult conclusions and hit me smack dab in the place where it hurts the most. But it's a good feeling -- a feeling of realization, truth, reality -- realizing that all these things I've been struggling with (or rather, trying to avoid) are not as complicated as I thought they were.

They're just a result of me being lazy and avoided anything that event remotely involves waking up.

I love sleep. Sleeping physically, and sleeping spiritually. I know who God is (or I pretend to), I know the "deeper meaning" of life, and I'm okay with not doing anything about...about...well, about the state of things in this world. The state of my heart (you poor broken, confused thing) and the state of my mind (let's not go there) and the state of everyone around me.

So many of us know God and yet haven't really experienced Him. And so many others out there DON'T know God. At all.

This whole thing is to basically say that I keep messing up over and over again. I make the exact same mistakes all the time.


But what do I do about it?


If you're looking for a happy ending, you're not going to get one. Not yet, at least. If there is one coming for me, it's going to take a very long time. When He takes me home.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Simpatico with Life

I just have to post this wonderfully fun word to say that I got in my inbox today (that...totally rhymes)! You've probably heard the word, but I've never actually known what it means, so it feels new to me :p

simpatico: congenial or like-minded

I was going to endeavor to use it in a sentence, but I rather like leaving it untouched and unmangled by my stilted words. Forgive me. Nothing's coming out poetically today.

The rain usually has me in this wonderful poetic mood, but it's like it hasn't reached me today. I'm just stuck in my own little online world. I think I've been staring at screens too much today. The TV screen (educational videos if you MUST know) and the laptop screen...hours of wasted time...

Not wasted, exactly, just seemingly unprofitable ;)

I'm simultaneously writing this while chatting with a friend, and it has come to me that I still do not have a main focus for this blog. Is that a good thing? I'm not entirely sure. Hm. I just feel bad about the subject

So allow me to point my little (very little) light back to where it belongs: God. Because after that sad post from Saturday night, this is how He's brought back the dawn.

"She said, 'It's gonna be alright,'
Cause God made a way through the pain
And He opened her eyes..."

No matter what happens or what has happened, He's still there, loving me. And that's all that matters. ["Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."]

Saturday, April 9, 2011


I'm in complete turmoil at the moment. Isn't it odd to have peace and happiness as the same time that your heart is bleeding and hurting? I think so. Apparently, my heart doesn't, though.

I feel the utter need to talk to someone about it all and in the absence of a friend, I'm turning to you, my dear bloggers. My family is around me but having five brothers kind of shuts down any talk about the emotional/heart crap. (Er, I don't mean crap. It's serious business, serious enough to hurt, but I still hate myself for the roller coaster I'm always on.)

God is waiting for me to come and talk with Him, I think. Rrrgh. But I don't want to! Another emotion going on here, I suppose. It's not about what I want. At least, it shouldn't be.

Can you tell I'm tired? Yeah, just a bit.

<3 Au Revoir <3

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Life isn't simple.

But it's not complicated either.

Life isn't all good -- there's always going to be hard things, bad things that happen, things that we wish we could forget happened.

But we know that "all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28).

I complicate things in my mind, though. I feel surrounded by doubt - because I'm surrounded by the world. I don't dig deeper into God; I dig deeper into the world. But I want to know who He is. I want to love Him with my whole heart!!

What is it that Paul says? He does the things he does not want to do, and the things he doesn't want to do, he does. Every day is a battle against our flesh. Against what we were born into (sin).

Anyway, this is the struggle I have been dealing with. On one side is God (so simple a thought, just that word: God). On the everything else that I want in this world. Dreams, friends, food, money, everything perishable and yet not inherently evil. It's like a clamorous room filled to the brim.

And across the hallway I see an open door. I don't know what lies behind it, really, because I haven't taken the time to look. There's just a wall of white, like fog. Only the fog doesn't seem to be trying to conceal. It wants to reveal God to me. He wants to reveal Himself to me! But I turn and walk away nearly every time.

So I leave you with this one simple verse: “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
[Matthew 22:36-40]