Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the wondering wanderer...

I'm still wondering why I'm here...

Still thinking, "What does life mean?"

I feel things. I think things. But I get nowhere. There's still an insatiable desire within me - a black hole that refuses to be filled. A thirst that nothing will quench.

I wander around, longing. Longing for what, I couldn't say.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


"Tell me: why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated.."

I know I've said that everything in life is either simple or complicated, based on your perspective.

I still think that that's true.

But I forgot one little thing: sometimes, things can become complicated even when you think they're simple...because other people think it's complicated. Which makes it oh-so-complicated for you.

So, right now, everything feels rather complicated. And I honestly don't think that it's my fault =/.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Death to Myself

We must give up the illusion of control. We can't physically MAKE anything happen; what power do we have? We can do things...if nothing (namely, God) interferes.

I make plans all the time.

And then God throws a wrench (or so it seems) into the works, and it all crumbles around me and I'm disappointed. Again.

But, really, it's my own fault. There's nothing wrong with making plans, though. The problem occurs when I think that my plans are absolutely going to come to fruition, when in reality, I don't know. God already has a plan. And my plans will, more than likely, be very different from His.

So what I have to do is trust.

Take away all the articulate words and intricate emotions, and you have the skeletal truth: I am completely, horribly afraid to trust God with my entire life.

Giving Him pieces of me, little by little, is easy. But when He requires full trust...I shy away. I'm guilty of running from Him. Telling Him I can do this on my own.

Trust. It's feeling like a slow, painful death as I take these steps in blind faith.

And, in a way, it is. It's a death to myself. "For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

Sunday, June 20, 2010

There's so much I don't understand; I have so many questions...

How do I "obtain" or become "in-tune" with the Holy Spirit?

What, exactly, is worship?

Where should I go to college?

I always want to know. I'm always harping on my family to tell me the plan. But God doesn't always give us the answers. In fact, most of the time, He gives us zero information. Like with Abraham: "Now the Lord had said to Abram [Abraham]: 'Get out of your country, from your family, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you...' " [Genesis 12:1]

Okay, Lord...I am listening. What? You want me to go where? Nowhere?! Oh. I get it...sort of. But - couldn't I have a little hint?

We have to take steps in blind faith all the time. There aren't big signs saying, "Caitlin, go to Ashland University and get a degree in journalism." Instead, we just have to trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Key word here: all. ALL of my heart must trust in Him. ALL of my ways must come subject under Him.

The key word is also my problem. I serve Him with my mouth...but not with my heart. I turn so often from His ways and I decide to chart my own course. Only, I just get lost. And hurt. And then I know I have to come humbly before Him and ask Him to help me because, quite honestly, I'm ready to quit.

To quit on life. To quit on God (but He'll never quit on me). To quit on purity. To quit on "religion."

It's simple to do the opposite thing, isn't it? It's easier to ignore someone than it is to confront them. It's easier to be put on a false cover than showing who you really are.

And it's easier to keep running away - pushing others away - than it is to open up and trust.

Smudges :)

So I officially named my cat Smudges!! {Side note: "Smudge" sounded too harsh, so I changed it to Smudges - much cuter, haha.) She is adorable! Too bad that I am allergic to cats (*sigh*). But I still hang around them anyway :)

(she's very playful)

(so adorable <3)


I nicknamed her Goofball. LOL. But's that's quite UNofficial. You come up to me and call my cat Goofball, be prepared for a...well, at least a water fight (don't worry, I've never actually punched anyone :P).

Thursday, June 17, 2010

* Ball of Fluff *

I have an adorable new friend!! :D A cute little kitten {pictures coming soon}. She is soft, furry, fluffy, playful, ornery, and - did I mention this? - adorable!

Of course, the first problem facing this new addition to my family is, quite naturally, a name. Here's my tentative options so far (I must warn you, though, that I have pretty much made up my mind which one I like best):

Goofball - this one is soooo darn tempting! she IS a goofball! but I'm not sure I can justify naming a cat that. I mean, it sounds like the sort of dorky name a guy would pick, one that I would make fun of :P

Fluffy - no comment. this one is out.

Kelsey - no idea where THAT one came from...

Storm - a good suggestion, considering the kitten is all gray :)

Ashes - loooove this one, except it's already been taken. and I think she is a bit too feisty for such a calm name.

Raindrop - now, honestly, doesn't this sound like an inexpressibly cool name?? I love the way it sounds. but, again, it doesn't seem to fit her. or even a cat, for that matter.

Smudge - this is the one that I have (very nearly) chosen. she has these random tan splashes on her paws and face, but otherwise she's a soft gray. on her nose is a strange sort of smudge that is lighter gray than the rest of her fur. and I love how cute the name sounds...and how it refers to ink <3 (anything that has to do with words, paper, ink, etc. is a clear message of approval).

But is smudge a cat-sort of name?

Oh, and another thing. This kitten is somewhat claustrophobic. She's high-spirited. Ornery. And she's like the smudges I can never escape; whenever I write or sketch, I always leave some sort of smudge on my paper. It's annoying, but then again, I've never liked the look of a perfect piece of paper :). So, isn't "smudge" fitting for a kitten who can't seem to stay out of anything - let alone trouble?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

were the 1920s presidential elections broadcast on TV?

Today is officially "pick a random title for your blog post" day :)

What would the weather forecasters say if they loved words? if they were all authors?? Well, here's a sample of what that might look like ;). A writer's weather forecast for 6/15/10: mostly cloudy sky, mixed with fickle sunshine throughout the day. Possibly gorgeous sunset in store for those willing to watch it. Slight chance of rain. Hot, humid, muggy air that is made bearable by a faint breeze.

You must pardon all of this nonsense, for I'm feeling random today -- despite the fact that I want to convey something meaningful and unforgettable to the entire world. Ah, well, we can't ALL be productive EVERY day :).

Monday, June 14, 2010

notes from the life of...

Orange dish soap smells like SunnyD o_O

Animal crackers aren't what they used to be. Sad.

The sun is just starting to come out AFTER I'm done mowing. So much for working on my tan. There are indeed more important things in life, though :)

Like God, for instance. Everything feels like it's crashing down on me. It happens nearly every day (think "roller coaster"). But, like one of my favorite Christian bands says:

"It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad?
Look at the world in it's suffering;
Can you honestly tell me that no one else could understand
All of the hurting inside?"
-Perspectives by Kutless

Just when I feel like I want to curl up and hibernate for a few weeks (or maybe years...), God tells me to relax and step back. So I do. And what I see is so completely different from what I thought was in front of me that I catch my breath in a gasp. What scenery! My problem gets shrunk down from a giant monster that is going to swallow me whole to a teeny little ant that I can crush.

It's perspective. It's the switch that can shed light over that hulking shadow to show what it really is: an inanimate object that can't do anything to me. So I yell at it, "You can't bring me down!"

My circumstance doesn't dictate who I am.

I choose how to react to my own life.

But it's God who gives me the eyes to get the perspective I need. It's God's strength that pushes this problem down to size. He holds my hand through it all. He gives me strength to do everything that I never knew I could do.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

With this phrase resounding in my head, I step forward, gripping the truth with one hand and God with the other. I am emboldened to face the day - no matter what it brings.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

go out and look at the clouds. listen to the thunder. gasp in wonder at the lightning flashing outside your window.

and give glory to the God who made it all <3