Seeking

I just picked up my Bible and read Proverbs 18 (that's where my bookmark was; I'm in the process of reading through the Bible from cover to cover). The first verse really struck home for me, and I had to pause for a second to think on it. When I continued, the second verse hit me hard as well. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me throughout the chapter.

I encourage you to read this chapter of the Bible and just think about it. Read through Proverbs 18 slowly and reflectively, and pray as you do so that God will open it up to you. The Scriptures are alive with God.

After you've done that, then you can scroll down and see what it is that hit me so hard :)


[ahem. did you read the chapter on your own yet? lol}



[i caught you skipping ahead! oh, you're not? well, then, by all means...]



Verse One: this is me. I seek to isolate myself from others from a fear of being known and judged. I love being around people and getting to know them better but I am always shrinking from putting myself on the line and opening up. Constantly, I blame this on my personality, but that is so very wrong of me. Personality is like an opinion: it is biased, it can be changed, and it is strong-willed. Neither are impossible to overcome.

"It doesn't matter what you've heard/impossible is not a word/it's just a reason/for someone not to try..." (What Faith Can Do by Kutless)

Verse Two: I am someone who wants to be heard. For some odd reason, there's this drive within me to be unique and different and lovable and amazing, someone everyone loves and enjoys being around because I'm just that cool. The problem is, I'm not that cool. I'm a horribly vain and and selfish person. I have flaws and dirty little secrets. My desire should be to hear and understand other people - instead of seeking my own glory.

Verses Ten and Eleven: Which of the two towers described do I run to, God or money? Or perhaps I run to a different type of tower altogether: forgetfulness, music, friendships, fun...'Tis food for thought.

There were other verses that spoke to me, and the whole chapter is full of wisdom, but this is just an example. God is there; never forget that.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." ~ Matthew 7:7-8

Don't stop seeking. Don't stop asking. Don't stop knocking on the door. He is there, waiting for you to come to Him. Sometimes I forget that if we seek we shall find. And what greater joy can be sought after than God's free and irrepressible joy?

Everything!

If some people are inept [and that's not an insulting title - it's NOT], then are others merely "ept" at everything?

I've felt overwhelmed before and I know it's not something singular to me; but what about those times when I'm not? Am I simply "whelmed"? Don't you have to be "whelmed" before you can be overwhelmed?

Ah, I knew I'd get you to see things my way. The English language is flawed. That's all there is to it.

Since my own words seem to be FAILING me, I think I'll just offer up one of the most amazing songs ever by Lifehouse:

Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything (x3)


And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

~ Because we all know in our hearts that God can satisfy all our desires...we just want to do it our way. I'm guilty as charged. I wish I could truly surrender all of me to all of who He is. ~

I'ma So Vain :/

I really wish I could do away with myself sometimes. That's part of the reason I haven't blogged in a while. The other part is that I've been very busy (a much less intriguing excuse).

Have you ever hated your own guts to death while at the same time admiring yourself as a person? I don't know how it's possible to feel like the vainest mermaid and the lowest worm at the same time, but that's where I've been hanging out for the past month (in case you were wondering). Wanting to be someone else really ruins my whole indie, unique aura.

Not that I have one. I just...wish I did. But then again, this "problem" adds a totally new tortured-artist dimension to myself, which I can't help but like. Pathetic.

All of this self-hate turns to self-pity, and because I can't find a good reason to like myself, I look to everyone else in my life to give me an identity. Like a buoy floating out in the ocean depths, I'm stranded, tossed back and forth by the waves.

"For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind." ~James 1:6

I'm worse than Doubting Thomas - halt! Pardon me, but I just realized that I'm using this entry as an outlet for my self-piteous reflections. I apologize. This blog has become an online journal for me at times and I *sometimes* forget that people are actually reading it.

Ooops:)

As much as I just want to do whatever I feel like (rebellious little me), I'm not going to. I'm going to stick with the plan - God's plan. I'm being a Doubter, and it's time I shape it up.

I've been so discontent and frustrated lately and I've been blind to the reason! [Ahem. That is, until now.] God won't be leading me or teaching me or giving me peace until I trust. Him. Fully. All this wishy-washy crap is turning me into the very thing that I don't want to be.

Trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Still Here

Da da da daaaa!

That was equivalent to me saying, "I have so much to say, so much to do, but all I want to do is sleep or run around like a lunatic in the fresh-falling snow!"

I am completely exhausted right now. I just can't seem to catch up with myself. So much to do, so much to learn, so much to figure out...

Anyway, I've been at a loss for words of late, which is why I haven't been posting. So sorry =( I'll post something longer and (hopefully) more useful tomorrow, right after a much-needed nap. I just wanted to throw something small in here so you know I didn't forget about the blog! ha! never.

God is doing a work in me. I can feel it. I just...don't know what it is yet ;)

Day One of....life?

First day of my life in the NEW YEAR!!!!!

and...I might have failed. It's not as if I had a mission - but that's kind of the point. I should have had a mission, and instead, I wandered around, nearly thoughtless. Nothing could hold my attention, and nothing erased the empty feeling in my gut.

It's been a not-so-great start to what I know is going to be a great year. I don't feel that it is, but it will be. Because I'm not going to let it be anything else. Life is too short to waste on regrets.

I know, I know; I should shut up before I start saying a whole bunch of things that I don't live up to myself...

Football, food, tons of Christmas cookies, goofy pictures, ghost talks (weirdness <3), and a whole lot of rainy-day songs. My day ends there; my thoughts keep swirling. I don't know where they'll take me. I don't know where God's taking me.

I'm just along for the ride.