Sunday, August 21, 2011

thinking out loud

Pretty much every time I write, I’m putting thoughts into words…thoughts that I never knew existed. I’m thinking through each concept as I type. I don’t state my opinions and leave the page open for someone to read it. I tuck the paper on my lap and hide it from view as I scribble word after word after word…

Just thinking out loud on paper.

And today, while listening to the sermon in church today, I realized that David wrote the Psalms in the same way. Ever noticed how despairing and depressed most of them are – and yet lines of hope and trust in God seem to be almost thrown in? David was thinking through things, realizing God’s point of view as he wrote.

But they weren’t just words. Not inward journaling, not kingly records, not a blog post for the world to see.

They were prayers to God.

David was crying out his pain and anger and frustrations to God in a written prayer and as he did so he began to understand the way God was looking at his problems.

Wow. That really excited me. That’s how things happen to me a lot. That’s how I begin to understand something that seemed much too complicated before. I have something in common with David! The same David who killed Goliath, who kept believing even after he was separated from his best friend, was attacked and chased by King Saul; even after he messed up big-time and murdered Uriah just to have his wife…

Obviously, it’s not the amount or the enormity of our mistakes.

We can still be close to God. We can still rest in the light of His plan for our future, no matter how hopeless it all seems.

So even if no one ever reads this blog…even if it never reaches anyone beyond my little circle of friends…I can live with that. Cause it’s God who’s listening. I’m only thinking out loud, after all.

Waiting for His words to shine through mine. Waiting for the brokenness to come, so that His life can make me whole again.


Raindrops hit my umbrella. Drip, drip. They cascade around me. My feet grow cold and wet. But I love it, this feeling. Cold. Tears. Hopelessness. Why is it that the dark, the gray, the silent, the melancholy beauty – why is it that all of this makes me feel the most happy? The most…free?

The sound of rain is the most beautiful, heartbroken sound in the world.

The sky is crying.

I wish it would cry more often. Maybe then I’d feel okay to join in. A few tears seem to relieve the pressure, the fear, the exhaustion of going on and on without rest. [This isn’t masochistic at all, I promise…]


You are beautiful to me
You will never be able to see
The depths of despair

Hitting me cold and true
What happiness have I ever felt
Without first feeling you?

Don’t go away
You’ve ruined my day
But I love you both

Entwined together, this I see
A braided rope of harmony
Rain and sunlight always know
That together they make a rainbow
We only have to take the time
To live through the painful rhyme
And come out on the other side
Enjoying the quiet joy that hides
In rain.

~ Caitlin

My Sneaking Tears

How heavy fell the rain that day
From burdened clouds of mournful grey.
The torrent forced them stay their height -
Composure swayed by onerous might.

My skin wrung wet with icy chill
As mud embraced that sodden hill.
But mind of mine had elsewhere gone -
'Twas clouds abandoned I was on.

The driving drops advanced their gears
To camouflage my sneaking tears -
Whence now did swell such floods of pain
To see me melt into this rain…

On equal bearing now were we:
This rain; myself, in harmony.

~ Mark R. Slaughter (found on

Monday, August 8, 2011


for some reason, I am veeeeeery fascinated by the idea of having dreadlocks. this is NOT due to me crushing on anyone who has dreadlocks! i just....really want to do something different with my hair.

that would be different.

i know i sound like i'm going over the deep end here, having a break-down, going crazy, getting all rebellious on you...i swear to you, i am not. i'm just wanting to try new things. and seriously, doesn't that look pretty awesome right there??

i have no idea what my parents would say to such an idea. or if my new job would appreciate the hair addition. buuut, what's life without a little craziness? i mean if i legitly want to do this (and i do), then why shouldn't i? i'm not getting a piercing or a tattoo; this can be undone. (eventually...).

i won't know until i try, right?

do you have anything to say for or against?

Saturday, August 6, 2011

how far we've come

The phrase keeps hitting me. It's from this song:

It's like a clock ticking the minutes. An alarm jolting you from peaceful slumber. The big hand tilts forward and you realize that Change is coming again - whether you like it or not.

I really don't prefer change. I like staying in my own little climate-controlled bubble and moving around in a normal routine. God, on the other hand, likes to pop my bubble and toss my routine to the winds. I end up on a roller coaster.

Yesterday I went to Cedar Point with a huge group of my friends and it was {AWESOME} There were lots of not-so-nice parts...Long lines, sweating to death because Ohio decided to be hot and muggy, feeling incomplete, water being too often out of reach, walking in wet clothes, aching get the idea. But over all, it was really great.

We did the same thing last year.

This year was quite different.

But me, being me, kept flash-backing to last year. It wasn't that I wanted to go back. I was just...very unsatisfied. (It's not a word but I like it.) I always want things to be different than they are. I'm never quite happy to be standing in my own shoes -- or at least not today. I keep forgetting that today is all I have.

Let's see how far we've come.

It's been one intensely crazy ride. I have changed and grown so much! (I feel like that most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going rather backwards, though ;p)

I don't know where I'm going with this. I think...I think I'm trying to say that change is incredibly good even if it hurts. ESPECIALLY if it hurts. As long as you choose to ride through it to the end. No bailing at the last second. No chickening out while you wait in line. Just jump in the roller coaster, strap on your seat belt, and throw both hands in the hand. And scream.

It's scary. Heck, it's TERRIFYING. So why is it that when it's over we're usually grinning from ear to ear shouting, "Let's do that again!"?

Granted, there are those rides that make us sick to our stomachs, scare us to death, scar us beyond reckoning...That's where God comes in. That's where healing and faith have to do their work. We still can't jump out before we've started. Life won't let us. God won't let us. And today, I'm glad that this is true.