iRegret

Today I was filled with regret. Regret for all the stupid things I've done recently, all the mistakes I've made, all the people I've hurt and frustrated, all the moments of my life that I've wasted. And I was so ready to just quit this stupid cycle of messing up and asking for God's forgiveness and then going right back to where I was and messing up again!

I just can't take that anymore. It's depressing. And today, I just wanted to be depressed. Leave me alone and let me be lonely and forlorn and depressed. Not a good attitude, but that's how it was.

But I just realized how utterly ridiculous that frame of mind is. How being in a depressed mood may seem fine while you're there - and you certainly don't want to be happy - but it really just makes everything else worse. It seems like you're stopping the sick cycle, but you're not. You're just wasting more and more time in your pity party.

I wasted half of today in that aspect. And I might die tomorrow (no, I don't have a fatal wound or disease or anything like that). I don't know how much time I've got.

Ending the Cycle

The only way to stop the cycle is to live. Okay, major duh! But I mean to change the way you're living. I don't really know how to do things differently (and it's making me depressed again! argh), but God is still there. He's trying to show me, trying to push through the walls I keep making. The truth is probably right in front of my face - that's how it usually goes. And I don't know when I'll be able to see it.

But that doesn't stop me from trying.

I am depressed mostly because I feel like a failure. And, in light of what I've been doing - or, more accurately, have been unable to do - I really am a failure. I regret all of this. I regret being who I am now. I hate looking at my reflection and seeing what I am inside. So if I regret my mistakes...and wasted time...sitting around being depressed is just going to be yet another mistake. It's just going to waste more of my life.

Time is ticking. The clock never stops. Heart's beating, carrying life through my veins. And I can't stop the noise all of this is making in my head.

Un-Depressing?

You can't just stop being depressed. I know. It doesn't happen that easy. Especially if you actually want to be depressed (...guilty as charged...).

It starts when you surrender it to God.

Ouch. I'm so not giving in THAT easy! Really, I have to give Him everything? Even my emotions?! That's crazy. They're mine.

It's not about faking the emotion, the effort, that attitude. It's not about suddenly being "happy" when you're really not. It has to start with your heart, and it has to be God's work in you.

It doesn't let you off the hook, though. It's still your life. And all you have is this second right now. It's your choice to make. You decide.

Every second is a second chance...

<3 Elizabeth-Marie {Em} <3