Where Priority Lies

Well, God's been speaking to me a lot lately (I call them "revelations" :)). That's a good thing. What's not a good thing is the reason He's been speaking to me. Obviously, I don't know the mind of God and there's no way I can really know what He's thinking. But I can make an educated guess. Based on my horrible little brain.

I've been up and down -- more downs than ups, but that's okay -- and I keep coming back to God after every down. Problem? He has to yank the rug out from under me just to get my attention. It's not that dramatic every time, to be sure, yet I can see a very sad little pattern here. A pattern of me being rebellious and selfish and lethargic and *winces* lukewarm. Then I pause for a moment to reflect and realize how wrong I am, how awesome He is, how much more I have to live for...

And then a few days later, I'm stuck in the gutter again, growling at anyone who dares to lift a finger to try and help me :P

If I'm frustrated with myself, I can only imagine what a thorn I must be to God sometimes. And to everyone else, for that matter. Depressing, yes. Enlightening? Yes, that too. Because I see that I'm wrong. I just don't know how to stop this sickening cycle!

I'm going back to His Word, though, knowing that if I seek, I will find, and if I ask, I will receive. Guess what he showed me today? Luke 10:41-42. Even though it's a rather obvious concept, it takes a nudge from the Holy Spirit for me to actually perceive the meaning in the words. He's done a lot of nudging lately.

Luke 10:41-42 ~
"And Jesus answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.' "

Ah, the two sisters, Mary and Martha. Differing ideas and personalities, different perspectives on life...and what's important. Unfortunately, I have the same tendencies as Martha: worrying about unimportant, material things when right in front of me is the Creator! He's called me, and here I sit, dithering away my time pining after things I do not have. Longing to be different than who I am. But I have God. Do you know how many people there are on earth who don't know Jesus Christ as their Savior?

I don't. I should. But it's like I can't see anything beyond my own little window. There is so much out there, a ripe harvest of souls, and there are not nearly enough people who dare to be God's "hands and feet" and do the work that He's called us to do.

I probably sound preachy. The world tells us that we have to be careful not to tread on others' toes. To be kind, and tolerant, and avoid sounding "too preachy." Did Jesus ever say that? Did He ever warn His disciples to "break the news gently"? No. He said, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature."

Heh. Preaching. I'm horrible at it, in that I really don't have anything to say -- they're God's words and not mine! I'm great at it, in that I do it far too often, probably, and I know I really should take care of the twelve-ton boulder blocking my vision first [that's a twist on the whole "log in your own eye" analogy thing lol].

I just want to encourage you to be in the Word. Even if it feels like you're just reading it to read it...because you know you're supposed to...it can still work. This is God's word we're talking about here! Take some time to dig in and hear what He wants to say to you. Maybe pray before you open up the Bible. Pray that you will be open-minded, pray that He will make you the new creation that He promises <3

This Is Me

This is me writing a blog post when I really don't have anything to say.

This is me getting incredibly excited about something that has a very high potential of making me feel worse in the long run.

This is me having an awesome and otherwise hectic and unexpected day.

Besides the fact that my productivity was interrupted by a throbbing headache in the middle of the day (which has since receded), and then by Facebook, I've gotten quite a few things decided and accomplished. Even so, I've got more to do, so I'm going to throw a few random things out there and make it a short post:)

First of all, lately I've been really going my own way. I do whatever I feel like, I harbor anger, regret, bitterness, and my own form of depression deep inside me, and I try to make everyone see just how "important" I am. It's actually been very annoying -- not fun at all. I realize that I need to give all of these things up to God and stop living like an idiot.

Maybe then I'll stop running just to catch myself. Maybe then I'll find the joy in every moment of just being alive in God's presence (or as close to Him as we can be here on earth). Maybe then I'll quit spazzing out over the way my life is going - I really can't change that anyway.

In fact, these aren't maybes at all. These are truths. I know that when I "let go and let God" I'm going to find a freedom I can't get anywhere else. I've tasted it before, but only in small doses, and I think it's time I return to that.

I started that with a "first of all"...I don't have a second point. Just that I'm really all over the place (happy, not happy; busy, not busy; etc.) and I can't wait for God to use me for His kingdom <3

P.S. regarding my very first statement (the one about not having anything to say)...I guess God gave me something to say. Cuz that was totally not the plan. Don't you love it when He switches things around on you? =)

Springboard of Thought

There is something so very intoxicating about fresh spring air. I know it's only the middle of February, but I swear spring was giving us an early glimpse of herself today. When spring comes I am quite torn inside. One part of me feels that winter was too short (this year I didn't even build a snowman!) and that I'm going to be depressed when Snow Trails closes (I'm going to miss snowboarding so much). The other part of me can't wait to wear flip-flops and t-shirts and have a mud fight with someone.

Today I was reminded of how much I adore springtime. One whiff of that air that smells fresh as rain and cool as mountain snow and I am filled with an excitement that just bubbles up inside me. I suddenly feel as if anything is possible. I feel hope.

Tonight I've kind of lost that dream. It's slipping away like fog through my fingers; I'm unable to grasp it or make it stay, but at the same time it's clouding my vision. Thoughts, emotions, everything is treacherous. Why can't I just live life without over-thinking everything?

I actually have a bunch of "deep" problematic things that I need to think through right now, but I keep putting them off. Instead I obsess over things that don't really matter :P Time is an illusion. What time is there but now?

P.S. I've been neglectful. Sorry. But blogging isn't in my top ten right now...make that top twenty...ugh. To do lists keep getting longer.

SHOES

Short Post ;)

Apparently, shoes with any heel are not made with comfortability in mind. Or if they are, they look like something your grandma would wear, and not something that should complete the look of your fancy dress. After a good two hours (I'm guessing here), I finally found some decent shoes! Meaning this: they have less heel than I originally wanted, are less crazy than I was previously leaning towards, are quite plain and *almost* sensible, and a very, very good deal.

But they're for my brother's wedding, and I can't risk spraining my ankle in some ridiculous heels when I'm probably going to be helping out with anything and everything all night ;) Shelling out the cash for them isn't in my budget currently anyway.

Does anybody else have trouble with shoe shopping? Beyond the whole style issue, there's the sizing thing...Yeah. Shoes need to just conform to my feet. And all others, beware -_-

Spills and Dreams

So the other day, I *happened* to be walking in front of my mirror while holding a water bottle (yes, I tend to be attracted to mirrors xD soo vain of me). I thought I saw something on my back so I angled myself so I could see my backside in the mirror, simultaneously lifting the water bottle up so I could take a drink. I somehow missed my mouth - and my face - and managed to dump water all over my the left side of my sweatshirt.

I don't know how these things happen to me. Really, I don't.

I've decided to tell you my dream from last night because it's hilarious. And also because...I can actually remember quite a few details from this particular escapade in dreamland:)

I was in a house (a ranch-style house, in case you were wondering) in Alaska. I don't know how I knew I was in Alaska, because there really weren't any windows and I never went outside; it's so great having all this knowledge in dreams! Anyway, we were having a garage sale...INDOORS. Obviously, since in Alaska there's always snow, right? :P

I went in one of the back rooms to get something, or check something, and came back out (without any...pants...on...ah! no one noticed though, luckily *whew* lol). There were these two Japanese girls there and they wanted to know if we had any winter hats. Apparently, they hadn't brought any winter gear with them to Alaska. Also, just as a side note, we were having a garage sale - not starting a business. If we didn't have any hats out there for sale, then go somewhere else! But whatever.

I say, "Sure," and go into another back room and pull out a box that has my hats in it (I love my hats, by the way) and another, larger box that has all of Lydy's hats and gloves and stuff in it (the Lydy family goes to our church and I'm good friends with them). As I open it up, Joel Lydy (who is younger than me) comes up and is like, "You can't take that one, because it's so-and-so's..." and so we go through all of them and make sure to leave all of the hats that belong to someone in the box. I thank him, profusely, and give him a high-five because it would have been a disaster to sell all of their hats AND their cousins (their cousins live in TN, so I'm not sure why they left their hats with us...in Alaska...hm).

I take out the chosen hats and let the Japanese girls sort through them and pick the ones they want. Then I go off and start helping with other areas of the garage sale. My mom, who is taking care of the money, etc., starts bagging up the Japanese girls' stuff, and I'm suddenly filled with the most urgent fear that she is going to give my hats away FOR FREE instead of making them pay for them! So this whole spiel of how I'm only going to charge them fifty cents or a dollar each for the hats gets thrown down the drain and I'm pretty upset.

I don't know if she ever charged them for the hats or not. That's kind of when my dream morphed into a new one, one I can't really remember...

I'm still sick and suddenly very excited about reading Les Mis (which I have not read yet) because a certain friend of mine keeps talking about it on her blog. I'm also getting more and more enthusiastic about photography, playing piano (so I can have something beautiful to play on the amazing grand piano at a certain ball I'm going to in March...), writing, and snowboarding (which I miss dearly since it's been a week from last time I went, and also because I fear the season is ending soon).

Au revoir!
[reminds herself to go, NOW, and practice her French ;)]

If Only There Was a Word that Summed Up This Post...

Since other people can get away with writing a blog post about virtually nothing, but at the same time about everything, and still come out with something entertaining, I'm going to attempt to sprawl my random thoughts across the "page" without corralling them into sense:)

[And now I feel like Paul, who has those long-winded sentences that never seem to end. It makes reading aloud very...breathtaking :P]

I actually ENJOYED drinking tea today!! I rarely drink tea and when I do, more often than not it's iced instead of hot. But I'm a bit sick-ish today (meaning I don't have the flu...yet), so I made some tea that's especially for sick-ish people. I really enjoyed sipping away at my mug of hot tea. I felt as if I were being healthy, for once, versus when I drink coffee and think of how many spoonfuls of sugar I dumped into it ;) But this tea-revelation could have been ignited by the fact that I was reading J.R.R. Tolkien, and you have to be drinking tea to appreciate good literature. I am now convinced. haha.

The snow and ice were gorgeously inviting today. Not to mention the sunshine lighting up a pretty blue sky! But I'm currently frustrated with my camera, so it stayed stuffed up in my room, being punished. I felt like I was the one being punished, though. Stupid half-cold forced me to come inside before I was ready.

Now that we're past these trivial trivialities, can I just say that tonight I'm going to WRITE? Well, technically, I'm going to edit, which is an entirely different thing, but there will be some writing involved, trust me. I haven't made any serious progress with any of my novels lately. Poor, neglected adventures!

Tonight it's all about my nano creation, though. Hence the editing. Even though I only wrote it a few months ago, it seems like forever since the idea hit me! The characters also seem very childish (although the plot is not). But I want to like my characters *sniff*.

Yet my author aspirations are lying dormant while I write a blog post. It seemed important. now I've watched the clouds scudding across the sky outside my window, I've watched the sky grow dark as the sun sets, and I realize that time is moving on. It's passing me by. Since time is one thing that can never quite be caught, I'd best hit "publish" and leave it at that. And go write. Right now. Write right now. Hee hee.

Au revoir!
[Which reminds me that I haven't worked on my French much lately. Oops.]

Ice

Isn't it interesting how something can be so harmful and troublesome and yet...so beautiful? When the sun hits the ice just right, you can almost see a rainbow shimmering inside the frozen H2O.

But I hate it because it stops me from going places. It annoys me because then I have to scrape it off of the car and I have to add more layers to my winter attire.

Another side to ice is that it provides another medium for experimentation. I love how, almost immediately, guys start sliding on the ice, trying out tricks and spins (more often than not while driving! lol). They see the adventure in it.

Three different views on ice. Three opinions. And the only difference between them is perspective. Where is your "starting point"? When people look at the world, they see everything with their own eyes. I know that sounds very obvious (like, duh, Caitlin), but it's not. Because if we try to see things from someone else's point of view, we find that our world looks completely different.

Kutless has a great song about this, called "Perspectives." They point out that our problems, our issues with life, could be changed by just a mere switch of perspective. For example, when we get stuck in rush hour traffic on the way to some important event, we get upset. Maybe even irate. But think about people in third-world countries; they'd be happy by just getting a good meal, let alone a car or expensive clothes.

For us Christians, we are called to look at the world through God's eyes. To live our lives doing everything that we do for His glory. This also translates into being people who love others enough to try to see the world through their eyes.

Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I was upset, confused, and frustrated by one thing (I won't go into detail right now) that has been troubling me for some time, and yesterday it just really got to me. I immediately pushed everyone away, even God, and just focused on being, well, depressed. I tried to hide it at the same time in which I was indulging it.

Today I've been able to break free from that and praise God for having life. And it's funny because today, I realize that that "thorn in the flesh" isn't as bad as I think it is. Sure, it hurts, but pain is only momentary and it produces hope and perseverance (Romans 5:3-4). I still have life to live. And I don't want to regret wasting one single moment.

Perspective: a way of regarding situations; the proper/accurate point of view or the ability to see it.

Have you ever had a day like that where things are suddenly turned around because of a change in perspective?

[and, this post really is not about ice, I guess :P]