I really wish I could do away with myself sometimes. That's part of the reason I haven't blogged in a while. The other part is that I've been very busy (a much less intriguing excuse).
Have you ever hated your own guts to death while at the same time admiring yourself as a person? I don't know how it's possible to feel like the vainest mermaid and the lowest worm at the same time, but that's where I've been hanging out for the past month (in case you were wondering). Wanting to be someone else really ruins my whole indie, unique aura.
Not that I have one. I just...wish I did. But then again, this "problem" adds a totally new tortured-artist dimension to myself, which I can't help but like. Pathetic.
All of this self-hate turns to self-pity, and because I can't find a good reason to like myself, I look to everyone else in my life to give me an identity. Like a buoy floating out in the ocean depths, I'm stranded, tossed back and forth by the waves.
"For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind." ~James 1:6
I'm worse than Doubting Thomas - halt! Pardon me, but I just realized that I'm using this entry as an outlet for my self-piteous reflections. I apologize. This blog has become an online journal for me at times and I *sometimes* forget that people are actually reading it.
Ooops:)
As much as I just want to do whatever I feel like (rebellious little me), I'm not going to. I'm going to stick with the plan - God's plan. I'm being a Doubter, and it's time I shape it up.
I've been so discontent and frustrated lately and I've been blind to the reason! [Ahem. That is, until now.] God won't be leading me or teaching me or giving me peace until I trust. Him. Fully. All this wishy-washy crap is turning me into the very thing that I don't want to be.
Trust.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6
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