Human

Unfortunately, I still have moments - moments that occur quite often - during which I am extremely human. Moments when I...

...look up pictures of Taylor Lautner (okay, big confession xD)

...eat almost a whole bag of chocolate in one sitting - for no reason

...spend my time fantasizing about a life that I don't have

...yell and get mad because I WANT TO

So...here's to being human. No matter how much we try to be something else, we can't be. We're still fallible, sinful, and, honestly, rather stupid. For all our technology and modern ideas, we still cannot come up with a way to escape emotion.

Loving what I shouldn't...

1 John 2:15-17
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever."

I've really been struggling with this lately. Maybe "lately" isn't the right word, though; I think this is something I've struggled with for my whole life. I'm a material person. I love shopping. I love owning things. I love the security I feel when I have money in my hands, and I know I can buy what I need (or, more realistically, what I want...).

More than that, I love this world. I love everything about it (okay, besides the sin and the bugs and, well, the bad stuff :P)! I love admiring nature - which isn't inherently bad, since God created it for human enjoyment. I love being around people and squeezing fun out of every experience. I'm real big on experiencing everything.

So how do I let go? How do I release my iron grip on everything that is so temporary??

I'm praying for God to show me the fragility of this life. I want Him to consume me so that I can do nothing without it being for Him <3

I'm going to try to do a Bible study on my own (just me, myself, and I). Although this will cut down on group input (obviously), and will also have to function on less knowledge, I think it will be edifying :)

Oh yeah, what I'm studying: 1 John.

Feel free to join me, online or otherwise :)

1 John 1:5-10
"This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us."

All of this could be sort of hopeless (we're sinners, we sin, that's what we do, and sin separates us from God)...except for verse 9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"!

Dwell on that for a minute. Doesn't it make you feel so free??

This Ocean Before Me

In front of me is a huge ocean. Like any other ocean on the planet (made up or otherwise), this ocean has tides that ebb and flow, and it is very unpredictable. I can't quite figure it out.

I have this desire, a desire that's more than just an urge, to jump into the sparkling depths. It draws me towards itself. Yet I'm so afraid of it's unknown and thus terrifying nature.

Several times I run to the edge. I get my feet wet.

But now I'm ready for the plunge. I'm ready to risk it all, take the dare, face up to the challenge - however you want to put it; I'm just ready. I'm diving in.

As the water closes over my head, I'm rammed full force with my immediate and very natural impulses: I want to rush to the surface. My air is running out, pressure is building in my chest, I can't touch the bottom. All very good excuses.

But somehow I know, without a doubt, without proof, that if I choose to go back to what is normal and safe, I will lose the power of the ocean. This precious, timeless moment will be lost. Only by letting myself drown in this ocean can I ever hope to receive its impact on my life.

The ocean is God. Lost within Him, yet I am lost without Him.

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." _Jim Elliot_

"He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." _Matthew 10:39_

I really dislike myself right now. Mostly cause all I think about is me, me, me, ME! (And if it's bugging me, chances are, others have noticed it too.) I guess love is not what I have inside of me right now.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (I Corinthians 13:4-7)

Huge words jumping out at me: LOVE DOES NOT PARADE ITSELF.

End of story. There's nothing more. There aren't "conditions" that follow; no subscript saying, "except if you like someone and just want to 'be yourself' " or "except if you're tired and you've tried hard all day and you just can't try any more."

No excuses. Zilch. You just leave yourself out of this. This is love. Love never seeks stuff for itself - it always looks at what's best for others. And God is our ultimate example of love.

He doesn't just love. He is love. God is the perfect, holy embodiment of love.

So why do I wander around looking for love from guys who, honestly, couldn't care less about me? Why do I try to be accepted down here, when I don't even belong?

Disturbing questions. Ones that I can't answer. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." I do the things I hate, and I can't do things I want to do.

Lord, help me. Teach me to love. Teach me to stop this "me spree" and be someone who could care less about what happens to me, but instead, spends time thinking of others. Help me never to leave Your side. Amen.

Rain

The rain is so beautiful. Refreshing, cleansing...peaceful.

I'm parched with thirst. Dry ground, looking towards the sky. Begging for the rain to come down and wash me.

Jesus, bring the rain. Let Your mercy fall down on me like so many raindrops. Cleanse me from all sin, and renew my strength with Your living water. And as I drink, I know Your water is eternal.

Through the rain, I am made new.

I love the rain <3

This Is A Call -- to you

Is feeling very strange today. And it's not because of the heat (although that isn't helping very much).

I guess I could best describe this as feeling lost. And, since I have God, I shouldn't feel lost. I should know my purpose, my place. I should have joy and contentment.

But I don't.

And, really, it has to be my fault. Right? It's not God. He doesn't change from day to day, the way I do.

So, if anyone has suggestions for me, I welcome them with open arms. I don't know what to do. Whenever I feel this way, I go and hang out with friends...but then, that doesn't really satisfy me either.

It's my life...or is it?

It's not my life.

The Bible is full of verses that explain that I have been bought by God; my life isn't mine. I am dead in Christ, but I am also alive in Him.

I think I have "rights" - seriously, I don't want to be kind and forgiving! Can't I just be mad? Can't I just be selfish for a little while?

I even start thinking that my life "sucks."

But it's not about me! It's about God! My life is not my own. So if my day gets ruined, so to speak, I have to learn to live *beyond* that. I have to give my whole life for Him and to Him.

"He who saves his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake, will find it." (paraphrased...)

Selfish Passions =/

Doing is so hard. Sometimes, all I want to do is feel - I just want to have passions and emotions alive in me, and I want to express them.

I don't want to work. I don't want to accomplish things (although, later, I beat myself up for doing nothing worthwhile).

I don't want to love others - I want to feel a loving passion.

I don't want to go out and change the world - I want to feel the recognition and change that others have brought me.

How utterly, completely selfish of me. And how lazy.

*Lord, give me strength to break past the wall of emotion, and battle to what is real and true. Give me the courage to stand out in a crowd for You. Teach me to live for You, and You alone. Give me a passion that never burns out; a passion for You, and everything that You love.*