Inhibitions

While I was walking on a sidewalk in Bangkok, the sun baking me and every other living thing that dared to show it's face in the middle of the afternoon (I was one of the dumb ones), God decided to confront me. He said something that I tried very, very hard to squirm out of, but I couldn't.

Caitlin, He began, do you have a list of things that you are unwilling to become? What are the things that you have decided you will not do for Me? 

Stories. They're beautiful, aren't they? When there's a character you fall in love with...a friend who you wish you had in real life...the purpose you feel like you have, but you just can't picture it happening in "real life." But the reasons stories are so beautiful is because they tend to reflect (in however small a way) truths about life outside of the novel. Reading them shows us things about ourselves and others in a way that would never have made sense if someone snapped it at you in person, point blank.

Writing stories is even better. We get to create worlds and characters and ideas and creatures and plotlines. Sometimes, the stories take on a life of their own. If you're a writer, I'm sure you've noticed how some characters start acting in ways that you didn't even plan for, saying things you never thought that they would say.

It's almost like...you made something that you couldn't control.

Why is that? Is it because the most creative parts of our brains are hidden far back in some subconscious corner, and it takes an art medium for them to come out and play? Or is it because we actually create something that is alive? Or is it because God is really creating everything that you create, He's just doing it through you?

I don't have an answer. But it's a crazy thing to think about. And it makes me think about why I love stories, why I even care about reading about them. I think I know why, a little bit. Because the greatest author ever to be known? That's God.

He's writing a story for all of us - we're all characters in God's book. We do a lot of things that seem random and uncalled for and just plan impossible to control, but He actually saw it coming. Darn. I think that I can somehow be my own character, though, without His interference.

So I label myself. I point to things and say, "That's me." Funny thing is, God has been using this year, this season, of my life to take each one of these labels and challenge them. He keeps asking me, "What if I don't want you to be that way?" Remember what I said in the beginning? How He saw right through me and pointed at the parts of me that I was withholding? Yeah, it hurts. A lot. So I tried to make a list. I wanted to examine myself and see just how many things I refused to be for Him.

Try it. Make a list of statements that you think define who you are. Here are some of mine:

• I am a night owl. More importantly, this means that...
• I am NOT a morning person
• I am an introvert; I need my space
• I need a lot of sleep or I can't function well
• I can be extroverted, but...
• I don't like the spotlight
• I make bad decisions on a whim
• I am really bad at being someone's shoulder to cry on

God took every one of these and ripped them apart till I just sat there and gaped because I realized that I had to be whatever He asked me to be. Whether I chose to follow Him or not, whether I was actually "saved" or not, He was still going to make me the Caitlin that He had created to be. I couldn't stop it from happening.

It freaked me out. And, to be honest, I still fight Him at times. I like the idea of making myself.

Don't we all?

These are a few snapshots from my time in Thailand.

It was truly the hardest, most rewarding, intrinsically happy times of my life.