{Reality}

I'm not in the mood for much of anything, at the moment. I'm in the mood to watch a movie -- which translates into a non-mood. Because when I'm in a movie-watching mood, it means that I basically don't want to think about things that cause me pain, I don't want to try to solve my problems, I don't want to deal with imperfect things/people, and I would rather be dead then be me. Cuz watching a movie is about as active as being dead. Yet I'm in that mood so often! Kind of disturbing, isn't it? I'm more of a zombie than I thought.

Movies, books, and the internet are my three methods of dipping into an alternate reality. It's like stepping over some invisible line and escaping the red cross hairs trained on my pinhead. Once I've let my mind enter either of these three fairy tales, I cease being myself. I'm just an objective opinion on the fringes of a great story. I'm just following someone else around as they live their life.

Because I don't want to live mine.

This post started out as a sort of journal entry. Whenever I let my mind wander, it seems to come to its own difficult conclusions and hit me smack dab in the place where it hurts the most. But it's a good feeling -- a feeling of realization, truth, reality -- realizing that all these things I've been struggling with (or rather, trying to avoid) are not as complicated as I thought they were.

They're just a result of me being lazy and avoided anything that event remotely involves waking up.

I love sleep. Sleeping physically, and sleeping spiritually. I know who God is (or I pretend to), I know the "deeper meaning" of life, and I'm okay with not doing anything about...about...well, about the state of things in this world. The state of my heart (you poor broken, confused thing) and the state of my mind (let's not go there) and the state of everyone around me.

So many of us know God and yet haven't really experienced Him. And so many others out there DON'T know God. At all.

This whole thing is to basically say that I keep messing up over and over again. I make the exact same mistakes all the time.

I HATE IT.

But what do I do about it?

Nothing.

If you're looking for a happy ending, you're not going to get one. Not yet, at least. If there is one coming for me, it's going to take a very long time. When He takes me home.