hiding

There are days when I just want to stand under the hot water of the shower for hours, hiding on the other side of the crappy yellow shower curtain, not speaking to anyone all day.

There are nights when I can't fall asleep because I am too full of thoughts...and whispered voices that draw me in. That moment where reality and fantasy no longer have boundaries and they fuse together snowflakes melting on my breath.

I don't know why. I don't have an explanation for the moments when I just want to burst into tears. I don't have an answer for the questions I ask myself.

Ah, but here is the tricky thing: I know the answers.

But sometimes I don't believe them.

Darkness falls and stars shine brightly for all to see. Everything closes in on me and I become someone - something - else. I can be anyone...and I can be nothing.

Do you ever just want to sit and stare at the world for a while? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe you've been moving to much, and it's time you stopped? Do you ever wish you could step out of your own skin for just a moment and wander in the world doing nothing but seeing and breathing?

Remember. That's a big word for me lately.

Remember who God is. Remember that the best is yet to come. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

Remember that I don't have to know that answers to survive.

God is good. 
Therefore, it is well with my soul.

No High like the Most High

Let's face it, we all get high. We all have our things that make us deliriously happy or pleased or relaxed. Maybe it's our favorite TV show that we just have to curl up and watch alone. Maybe it's a beer at the end of a hard day's work. Maybe it's Pinterest. Or chocolate. Driving fast.

For me, it's food. I let food get the better of me nearly every two hours. Novels are another thing that rock my world.

My point is, we get all up in the faces of people on drugs, but coffee is pretty darn addictive, too, and so is everything else on the planet. We humans like being consumed by things. We naturally become addicted. Think about it: anything can become an addiction.

It's interesting to think about this, when everyone around me is spending their free time getting drunk or *ahem* high on marijuana. Definitely something I'm not used to dealing with/being around.

How am I supposed to act? React?

Honestly, God tells us to love. God tells us not to judge. [He also says pretty clearly that getting drunk is sinful.] But we're all sinners. I'm a sinner. And I shouldn't look down on the people here because they happen to smoke weed. I'm not any better than they are if I don't smoke weed.

Although, let's be honest here, I'd like to think that I am.  

I'm not condoning drugs by any means. All I'm asking is that we take a step back and look at the whole picture. What did Jesus do when He was on earth? He spent time with the lowest people on earth, spent time loving them.

And me? I can choose to get on high on the Most High, my Father. 

Just thoughts. What do you think about all of this?

What's weird is that I am in this cool place. This place that is beyond my former imaginings and strikes me speechless. It's perfect in so many ways, and imperfect in a million others, and I can't get over the feeling that...it's my home.

But amidst those feelings of joy and beauty and awe, I am prickled with discontent. Jealousy. Disappointment. Inadequacy. None of which are coming from God. Yet I listen to these voices as if they are my own, and I agree with them.

Let me tell you something. I live at the foot of a real live mountain (more than one, actually). I live in a college-dorm-style room with one of my bestest friends in the world, and she makes me laugh every day of my life. I get to shred in powdery snow for fun and as a job. I meet new people every day and I spend a few hours enjoying sunshine on my face. 

This place is amazing. I have no reason to complain. Yet I do. A little messed up, don't you think?

What have you found yourself complaining about lately? What blessings do you need to stop and be thankful for?

{There's no high like the Most High, guys}

a simple "thank you" would suffice

I have led a very easy life, to be perfectly honest with you. I'm not the one who's been through the fire and come out on the other side praising God. I'm not an example of how to plow through when the going gets rough. For me, "rough" has been reverse culture shock coming back from Thailand. Learning how to love my family. Trying to figure out used-car problems.

They're not exactly existential crisis moments.

My greatest dilemmas have been over what job to take and how to earn money for my travels. I have wonderful family members who never cease to take care of me and make me smile. I have devoted friends who stick around when I least expect them to stay (they never leave me alone, I'm telling ya -- haha). I have always had some manner of spending money, some means of transportation at the ready, always have had plenty of food and space in which to live.

I have an abundance. 

Instead of resting in this blessing and letting it fill me with thankfulness and trying to find the best ways to use this to bless others, I felt ashamed of it. I thought that my lack of dark experiences and troubling circumstances made me an incredibly shallow person.

But I realized that that just isn't true. Being surrounded by pleasant things does not make one joyful, just as being around unpleasant things does not make one bitter. Though both resulting conditions can easily be the case.

How we act in any circumstance declares who we are. The circumstance itself does not necessarily lend the label. 

Crazy, isn't it, how we label ourselves and others by what they have been through. Yes, those circumstances change us and in a way they make us who we are. But that isn't our identity.

"The clothes don't make the man." I'm sure you've heard it before. Who we are inside tends to show through in how we dress and what we say...not the other way around. Funny, isn't it, how what we believe has crazier consequences than we think it does..

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT."

Psalm 23:1

What a strange power there is in those last few words: I shall not want. This idea of God leading me and giving me literally everything I need to survive has far-reaching consequences. I shall not want for more food. I shall not want for a different car. I shall not want to be a different person with different circumstances. I shall not want beyond what I already possess.

Instead of constantly pursuing other things, I should be able to look around and go, "I have God." What or who can compare? I wonder if God just shakes His head at my flighty ways and endless desires. I sometimes think that He says, ever so gently (and rather ironically), "A simple 'thank You' would suffice, My daughter."