Waves at My Feet

Rocking the boat.
Swimming upstream.
Going against the current.
Treading water.
Riding into a storm.

Oh, to be like You

Give all I have just to know You...

Every morning, there is something new. Another thought, another plan, another trouble...another wave crashing against my shore, pulling at my feet, drawing more grains of sand into the depths where I cannot see.

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to

I will follow You.

 I will follow You. 

I will follow You.

I've always loved the ocean. The sound is my therapy. The smell is intoxicating. I love standing with my toes at the edge of the line where sand and water meet, where foam collects and shells clump together, and I just let the waves lick gently at my toes. I love being on that edge. It is exhilarating for me to be at that point where you are half in and half out.

I feel the same at the edge of a cliff.

I feel the same as I stand at the cornice of a mountain.

I feel the same when I am starting anything new, teetering on the point of just-arrived and being thrown into I-live-here-now.

Who wouldn't want to stand there forever? Digging the view and knowing that you made it to that point, but never having to go any further?

But you're supposed to jump. That's how it works.

I have never jumped.

i have never jumped. 

God has recently convicted me of this sad truth: I have never, ever put myself (heart, soul, mind, and body) WHOLEHEARTEDLY into anything. I don't really know how to. I am not a person that is truly passionate. There are things I like, things that I care about. Yet I don't know how to sacrifice for those things. I don't know how to improve because I can't seem to get past a shallow understanding. Music, snowboarding, writing, reading, art, blogging, cooking...any number of things in my life that I love. 

I have labeled it many things. I go with the flow. I'm a dabbler. I have a split personality (not really. but kinda, yes). I know how to be a peacemaker (because I play both sides). I just have a lot of excuses for only going halfway through life. 

I went repelling. In case you don't know, that's where you are in a small harness and you're holding a rope and you "walk" (I use the term lightly, since in my opinion walking usually happens on horizontal, stable surfaces) - yeah, you walk straight off the edge of a rock/cliff...backwards. I know I'm using a lot of emphasis right now but I don't think it's too much because seriously. Walking backwards off a cliff is terrifying. Even if it's a small one. There's something in my brain that says, "This is a bad idea," and something in my stomach that goes, "I'm done for." It's why roller coasters still get us and thrill seekers exist. Our bodies crave and fear this insanity. 

Turn my eyes to see Your face

As all my fears surrender

Then I went to the top, basically, of a mountain. Not as high as you can go, but as high as I had ever gone before. And I stood there and looked around and went, "I'm at the edge of the world, and I'm about to jump off." Me and my snowboard leapt off the edge and tumbled into powder. It was amazing.

God's showing me something about waves in the ocean. Precipices unawares. Free-falling. He's telling me that, yes, it's okay to be still sometimes. But I need to be ready. Because at any moment, He could tell me to jump.

I normally make New Years' Resolutions. Every single year. It's one of my favorite things to do: curl up with my journal and look at the past year and scribble away all my new dreams. I make lists and plans and I basically decide to change my life. Does it ever really make a difference? If I'm being honest, no. But I like to do it anyway.

This year, I didn't do that. Something in me was just done pretending that I can change me without help. I don't need more lists to become the person I should be.

I need God.

I need Him.

So instead of a page full of resolutions, I just offered up a single, simple prayer: God, I'm ready. I'm all in. 

That's all I could say before I was choked with emotion. What if...oh, there are so many things He could ask of me. I am afraid. Afraid to live for Him and Him only.

But I want it.

I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son

No matter where He takes me.

Songs referenced:
Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair
Oceans by Hillsong United
Scandal of Grace by Hillsong United
Love is War by Hillsong United