Thirsty

There's a lot of meanings broiling inside that word. Some good, some not so good. We claim thirst as a need. We humans have our "natural instincts" tucked away out of sight, but they are still there. And that means that we are thirsty all the time - thirsty not just for one thing, but for everything. Except that we can't have everything.

That means that we come up empty a lot. 

It starts to feel like something is wrong with life, like there's an off-kilter part of earth, and that's the part that you're standing on. It took me a minute to see past this and realize that (duh) it's simply because I'm not drinking the right thing.

I like to taste a little bit of everything, you know. A little spicy dish here, something sweet there, a sip of someone's wine. A moment in the choking heat and overwhelming happiness of Thailand. A stroll down the music-saturated world of Nashville. A gasp of fresh Colorado mountain air. 

It's easy to just keep going. To meet someone and make a memory...and then move on. What's harder is sticking around. Staying at a job that's starting to get static. Sticking with a group of friends even though you think you know everything about them already.

But if I treat life like a buffet, I feel like I can do it all and just not stop.

Sometimes what's needed is for me to remember my thirst. To realize that I'm hungry even when I thought I was eating. Especially here at Copper, when literally everything seems designed to drain moisture right out of me. In the beginning I was doing so well! As I started getting deeper into the culture and higher into the mountains, however, I forgot to drink the water more often.

As long as I keep busy and push forward in my momentum, I don't even notice that I'm dehydrated.

But as soon as I stop and stare at these four walls, I collapse. I notice my strained muscles, my dry throat, my empty stomach, my exhaustion. That's when it hits me:

I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING WATER. 

Physically speaking, I mean. And also...spiritually. My soul gets dry faster than my mouth. But this dryness, this ache - it's good.

Ever notice how our "primal" needs (those for food, water, rest...yes, we have to go over Maslow's hierarchy of needs as part of our ski school training..) seem to be the strongest? How that need for lunch shuts down every other voice in your head? Yeah. That.

When you start to feel that draw, that need, for God, then you know it's as it should be. Even if it means that I haven't been drinking enough of Him in, it means that I need Him. Crave Him.

So I'm taking this moment to pause and feel my thirst. Then I'll take a huge drink, guzzling it down with abandon.

Isn't that a great word?

abandon.

it speaks of a heart let loose upon the world. of a soul set free from chains. of a bird soaring through a tunnel and into sunshine. of a free-fall into an unknown. 

This is what it means to be with God. This is what it means to "wait upon the Lord" to "walk in the light" and to follow Him. 

Abandon who you are. Abandon what you want. Abandon every tie to this world and fall into grace. 

That's exactly where He'll find you. 

God, You know me. You know me. Come and show me the meaning of these things. Psalm 139.

hiding

There are days when I just want to stand under the hot water of the shower for hours, hiding on the other side of the crappy yellow shower curtain, not speaking to anyone all day.

There are nights when I can't fall asleep because I am too full of thoughts...and whispered voices that draw me in. That moment where reality and fantasy no longer have boundaries and they fuse together snowflakes melting on my breath.

I don't know why. I don't have an explanation for the moments when I just want to burst into tears. I don't have an answer for the questions I ask myself.

Ah, but here is the tricky thing: I know the answers.

But sometimes I don't believe them.

Darkness falls and stars shine brightly for all to see. Everything closes in on me and I become someone - something - else. I can be anyone...and I can be nothing.

Do you ever just want to sit and stare at the world for a while? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe you've been moving to much, and it's time you stopped? Do you ever wish you could step out of your own skin for just a moment and wander in the world doing nothing but seeing and breathing?

Remember. That's a big word for me lately.

Remember who God is. Remember that the best is yet to come. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

Remember that I don't have to know that answers to survive.

God is good. 
Therefore, it is well with my soul.

The Leopardess

I am always asking Aslan why I can't return to Narnia by the same way I came the first time. I am always wishing that I could have the same adventure again.

But He draws me away each time and reminds me that nothing is ever the same. Ever.

But there is, however, always a theme. God knows that I love stories and themes and strands that overlap and connect with each other.

My first adventure [I suppose I have had many, but by my first I mean my time spent in Thailand] was all about walking with the feet of a hobbit.

From a lovely place called Pinterest

I took my copy of The Hobbit with me, and I literally dug into the adventure in a new way. I made it my own. I became Bilbo. I felt exactly like him: lost, surrounded by an unknown race of people, continuously missing the comforts of home, feeling completely inadequate for this adventure that I'd rashly jumped into. 

Courtesy of Pinterest

Somehow, God had deemed me perfect for the time in Thailand, and I ended up having a blast, meeting tons of new people, and learning things about myself that I never would have otherwise. And, hey, I'm still alive ;)

This time I am calling my "second adventure." I'm strapped into a place I never thought I'd be, surrounded by mountains taller than anything I've ever seen. I live in Colorado.

I brought The Hobbit with me again this time, thinking how much it had comforted me on my last adventure (always with the appropriate lines of, "how dearly Bilbo missed his hobbit-hole" and whatnot). But the funny thing is that - although I definitely feel like a Bilbo again - that theme, that story, doesn't really apply in this situation.

Through various coincidences, I have come to view myself as having a Narnia adventure. And not only that, but I am a leopardess, walking these snowy paths.

Lauren and I, besties for lifeeee

I have these rad snowboard boots that are covered in leopard-print. I have slipper-boots and now a neck-gator to match. I've never been much for animal prints; they usually say flashy and gaudy and, occasionally, slutty. To be honest, I don't know why I am suddenly obsessed with leopard stuff.

As weird as it sounds, I think it's a God thing.

Because I'm starting to see that He wants me to be a Leopardess here: wild, crazy, different, unafraid to show my colors, true to what I have been created to be.

He's teaching me to run madly, chasing His voice. To be untamed in a world full of cages and chains. To proclaim freedom on this earth. [Don't ask me how that came from leopard-print boots. I'm pretty sure I couldn't make that up.]

I can no longer cling to home. To safety. To a place that I can call my own. I am a drifter, a wanderer, a follower of Christ. There's no turning back now.

My life is one great tangle of crazy coincidences these days. The people I've met, the things I've done, the clothes I've bought, even right down to the food I've eaten...it's all been full of blessings and surprises. And I'm starting to see a theme here: Lauren and I are here to love. We are here to be shooting stars playing in the sky. Wild cats frolicking in the snow and fighting for what we believe in.

Lights.

Free, bold.

Insane.

Lovers.

Jesus freaks.

I believe in God, and that is why this tangle of threads is not a coincidence. It is a purposeful plan. He sweeps me off my feet with His timing...His gifts...His lessons.

Here I stand, Lord, praying that You are using me, even when I cannot see the plan. Even when I lose track of who You have asked me to be. I am the painting, You are Painter. I will let myself become that picture. 

Shredder Girl, Episode 2: Ready...Set...

Exactly 8 months ago to the day, I was stepping on a plane that would take me to Bangkok, Thailand (we had to stop at Chicago and Seoul, South Korea first, but we eventually made it). It was a cold, drearily rainy morning and we had to drive all the way to Cleveland to catch our flight. And hopping on a plane to Thailand came with a heck of a lot of prerequisites, let me tell you.

But somehow I managed to pack, prepare, and survive the 20-hour flight and arrived, breathless and terrified, on a piece of land that was utterly unfamiliar to me.

It seems like so long ago now. The friends I made there seem worlds away. The crazy thing is, my Thailand cohort, Bethany, is back in Thailand right now as we speak. She moved there - for a year. I have a feeling she may never call America home again. Thailand completely captured her heart.

But while Bangkok serenaded all of my senses to the max, it didn't speak to me like a homeland. Instead it spoke to me of a forever foreign and breathtaking land. A place of beauty and kindness, riveting views and astonishing people, and of course, the heat that suffocates as it caresses. I loved it. Yet...it only inspired me to see more. To travel again and again and again and again.

Apparently my great thirst for travel is already to be assuaged, for tomorrow I step out on yet another grand journey with this God of mine. He stretched out His hand and offered me another plane trip (only this one not quite as far away). Another temporary move to a new, thrilling place.

C O L O R A D O .

I barely breathe the word, letting its syllables slide off my tongue and linger in the air, where they expand into slides of sunbeams and fluttering snowflakes and ponds that mirror the incredible beauty of majestic mountains.

God has asked me to move there for 6 months. And I get to snowboard while I'm at it.

I can hardly believe it! It doesn't seem real! Even though my bags are packed - FINALLY (and don't get me started on the outcome of all that backbreaking labor) - my mind just can't wrap itself around the fact that this is actually happening...to me.

And you know what? A part of me doesn't want to go. That part is scared of stepping onto unknown ground, of losing my footing (yet again) and free-falling into God's hands. It's scared of losing things and comfortable jobs and, most of all, people.

Saying goodbye has never been easy for me.

I have been so blessed. I am being so blessed. This crazy God that I am trying to love but only succeeding in betraying, this God who adores His creation and lavishes His love and mercy upon it, this God who is everywhere and knows everything and is beyond what I can understand...this God whom I barely know has already done so much for me.

Besides giving my dreams of travel literal wings with which to take flight and surrounding me with people who love me, He also did something that blows my mind even more.

My Creator died for me.

And somehow that huge cosmic idea of God dying for me and then choosing to spend His time and energy on loving me just blows my mind so much but I still turn around and look at the fake glitz of earth and think that that's where the good stuff is. I see good things in my life and what do I do? I claim them as my rights. They are my reward. I deserve them.

Ha. Puny little Caitlin thinks that she deserves something. Isn't that sweet? Dear immortal that dreams, you deserve nothing from this world. Even less do you deserve something from your Maker.

I am breathless.
I am weightless.

How can there be life better than this? I know that God exists. I know that He loves me.

And I am learning to know Him.

From the hills of Ohio (and soon the mountains of Colorado!),
~Caitlin Marie 

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change

And breakaway...
(BreakawaybyKellyClarkson)

a simple "thank you" would suffice

I have led a very easy life, to be perfectly honest with you. I'm not the one who's been through the fire and come out on the other side praising God. I'm not an example of how to plow through when the going gets rough. For me, "rough" has been reverse culture shock coming back from Thailand. Learning how to love my family. Trying to figure out used-car problems.

They're not exactly existential crisis moments.

My greatest dilemmas have been over what job to take and how to earn money for my travels. I have wonderful family members who never cease to take care of me and make me smile. I have devoted friends who stick around when I least expect them to stay (they never leave me alone, I'm telling ya -- haha). I have always had some manner of spending money, some means of transportation at the ready, always have had plenty of food and space in which to live.

I have an abundance. 

Instead of resting in this blessing and letting it fill me with thankfulness and trying to find the best ways to use this to bless others, I felt ashamed of it. I thought that my lack of dark experiences and troubling circumstances made me an incredibly shallow person.

But I realized that that just isn't true. Being surrounded by pleasant things does not make one joyful, just as being around unpleasant things does not make one bitter. Though both resulting conditions can easily be the case.

How we act in any circumstance declares who we are. The circumstance itself does not necessarily lend the label. 

Crazy, isn't it, how we label ourselves and others by what they have been through. Yes, those circumstances change us and in a way they make us who we are. But that isn't our identity.

"The clothes don't make the man." I'm sure you've heard it before. Who we are inside tends to show through in how we dress and what we say...not the other way around. Funny, isn't it, how what we believe has crazier consequences than we think it does..

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT."

Psalm 23:1

What a strange power there is in those last few words: I shall not want. This idea of God leading me and giving me literally everything I need to survive has far-reaching consequences. I shall not want for more food. I shall not want for a different car. I shall not want to be a different person with different circumstances. I shall not want beyond what I already possess.

Instead of constantly pursuing other things, I should be able to look around and go, "I have God." What or who can compare? I wonder if God just shakes His head at my flighty ways and endless desires. I sometimes think that He says, ever so gently (and rather ironically), "A simple 'thank You' would suffice, My daughter."

Friendship (is) in the Rapids

Sometimes we have to do things that are hard.

I'm kind of having a "duh" moment, in case you were wondering. But it's late, so I think I am entitled to a few less-than-intellectual realizations. 

Friendships should not be taken for granted. Any relationship, in fact, should not reach the point where it seems to be a permanent fixture in your life and thus does not need as much constant attention. ERROR MESSAGE. Faulty reasoning is at play!

If you rent a car, or a microwave, or even a pair of socks, you know that their presence is temporary, and you treat them as such. You use them a lot for just what they were made for. You try to keep them clean and presentable so that when you return them you don't have to pay extra fees. But for the most part, you use them and ignore them and kind of enjoy them.

But when you save and save and save and SAVE to buy your own car, you are so excited to finally own it that you treat it like gold. You love on it. You clean it. You take care of it. You probably talk to it like it's a friend. It changes from a temporary side-item to something worth so much more. Why? Because you put time and effort into owning it. You chose it. You "earned" it.

In the very same way, any relationship that makes it past the acquaintance we-watch-movies-together-occasionally stage deserves attention and deserves to be made into something of worth. Okay, it's not exactly the same as the car example, because once you have a really good friend you don't "own" them.

But the point I'm trying to knock into my head is this: the more something is in my life, the more attention I should pay to it.

Instead, I start seeing people as fixtures in my life and I'm just swimming through them, doing whatever I please, not realizing that if I care (and I do) I need to make it clear to them and myself that I care. That they are not taken for granted.

Oof. I thought getting past the less-than-true-friends stage meant pushing into more tranquil waters. Ha! That's only the beginning of the rapids! Yet, like Pocohontas, I think that I'd always choose the narrower, wilder path of the river. Because you can't find safety by looking for it.

In fact, I'm not sure that you can find safety at all...

Do you really want to find it?

Tozer and My Daily [grain-free] Bread, #1

I recently finished reading Faith Beyond Reason by A.W. Tozer. For some reason, I had never read any of his works before, but this book really hit the spot. I think I marked just about every page in the book. I would like to share some of my favorite tidbits with you.

Before I jump into that, a little Whole30 update: I went back to work at my old job (which is, incidentally, a restaurant). My life is now smelling and seeing good food all the time. Especially lots of fresh-baked breads. I have worked the past 3 days and I have managed not to eat anything but what I packed for my own lunch. I even turned down free pizza and ....mint oreos. I feel like a food-martyr. Haha.

Alright. Enough food woes. The body is more than food and clothing, right?

"That is why the meaning of the word received is so important here. "As many as received him" - actively and aggressively took Him. This means a determined exercise of the will. It means to not deny any condition that the Lord lays down. That is something quite different from what we are hearing. They did not come to the Lord and try to make terms, but they came to the Lord and actively took Him on His terms."

(^^This quote is referring to the passage of John 1:11-13) 

"I believe that this Bible is a living book, that God as given it to us and that we dare not add to it or take away from it. It is revelation. But revelation is not enough! There must be illumination before revelation can get to a person's soul. It is not enough that I hold an inspired book in my hands. I must have an inspired heart. There is the difference, in spite of the evangelical rationalist who insists that revelation is enough."

Now this is the part that I find interesting. He talks about the "body" and the "soul" of truth. That merely reading the truth (seeing its "body") is not enough for us to consider ourselves to be true.

"You can memorize all of the texts of the Bible - and I believe in memorizing. But when you are through, you have got nothing but the body. There is the soul of truth as well as the body. There is a divine inward illumination the Holy Spirit must give us or we do not know what the truth means. Right there is the difference. We must insist that conversion is a miraculous act of God by the Holy Spirit. It must be wrought in our spirits. The body of truth, the inspired text, is not enough; there must be an inward illumination!"

All credits for the quotes go to A.W. Tozer; these are his words, not mine.

Tips From The One {Still} Awake

Checking in again. I've been busy, in my absence. Projects to be blogged about (complete with pictures) soon! I'm not sure I'll have time this week, as it's spring break and all -- priorities, you know.

Black nail polish with silver sparkles on top looks rad.

If you plan a day just for packing for vacation, make it a different day than the one right before you leave.

Want to smell nice for less? Take a quick walk around the mall - Victoria's Secret and American Eagle have the best fragrances. Plus, you'll get a little extra exercise.

Those are just my tips for the week. Stay tuned for more to come, as I'm off on a new adventure (I'll let you know when I arrive), and I'll probably make some mistakes to blog about.

It's two in the morning here. I've been switching off from Breaking Benjamin and Bleach, two older bands that are relatively new to my music portfolio. Why am I up? Don't ask.

No, really, don't ask. You're liable to get a different answer every time anyway.

Check out Pinterest, while you're at it (find me as kcaittodd). There's infinite possibility on this site and it's a great way to share ideas and borrow some new ones!

I do apologize if this post was boring. I just needed to write and I couldn't think of a better place. There's always 750words (the perfect literary microphone for ranting into cyberspace), but I didn't feel like tossing rocks into an infinite black hole. No thanks. I'd rather know that my words at least have the possibility of being read.

Good night at last! Bonsoir!
~ KoreeGirl ~ The Adventurous One in her Attic Bedroom ~

ps. because my posts aren't complete without a postscript..
pps. ...what do you think about Macs? Good, bad, waste of money, gods of technology?

thinking out loud

Pretty much every time I write, I’m putting thoughts into words…thoughts that I never knew existed. I’m thinking through each concept as I type. I don’t state my opinions and leave the page open for someone to read it. I tuck the paper on my lap and hide it from view as I scribble word after word after word…

Just thinking out loud on paper.

And today, while listening to the sermon in church today, I realized that David wrote the Psalms in the same way. Ever noticed how despairing and depressed most of them are – and yet lines of hope and trust in God seem to be almost thrown in? David was thinking through things, realizing God’s point of view as he wrote.

But they weren’t just words. Not inward journaling, not kingly records, not a blog post for the world to see.

They were prayers to God.

David was crying out his pain and anger and frustrations to God in a written prayer and as he did so he began to understand the way God was looking at his problems.

Wow. That really excited me. That’s how things happen to me a lot. That’s how I begin to understand something that seemed much too complicated before. I have something in common with David! The same David who killed Goliath, who kept believing even after he was separated from his best friend, was attacked and chased by King Saul; even after he messed up big-time and murdered Uriah just to have his wife…

Obviously, it’s not the amount or the enormity of our mistakes.

We can still be close to God. We can still rest in the light of His plan for our future, no matter how hopeless it all seems.

So even if no one ever reads this blog…even if it never reaches anyone beyond my little circle of friends…I can live with that. Cause it’s God who’s listening. I’m only thinking out loud, after all.

Waiting for His words to shine through mine. Waiting for the brokenness to come, so that His life can make me whole again.

rain

Raindrops hit my umbrella. Drip, drip. They cascade around me. My feet grow cold and wet. But I love it, this feeling. Cold. Tears. Hopelessness. Why is it that the dark, the gray, the silent, the melancholy beauty – why is it that all of this makes me feel the most happy? The most…free?

The sound of rain is the most beautiful, heartbroken sound in the world.

The sky is crying.

I wish it would cry more often. Maybe then I’d feel okay to join in. A few tears seem to relieve the pressure, the fear, the exhaustion of going on and on without rest. [This isn’t masochistic at all, I promise…]


Rain

Rain
You are beautiful to me
Sunshine
You will never be able to see
The depths of despair

Raindrops
Hitting me cold and true
What happiness have I ever felt
Without first feeling you?

Rain
Don’t go away
Sunshine
You’ve ruined my day
But I love you both

Entwined together, this I see
A braided rope of harmony
Rain and sunlight always know
That together they make a rainbow
We only have to take the time
To live through the painful rhyme
And come out on the other side
Enjoying the quiet joy that hides
In rain.

~ Caitlin

My Sneaking Tears

How heavy fell the rain that day
From burdened clouds of mournful grey.
The torrent forced them stay their height -
Composure swayed by onerous might.

My skin wrung wet with icy chill
As mud embraced that sodden hill.
But mind of mine had elsewhere gone -
'Twas clouds abandoned I was on.

The driving drops advanced their gears
To camouflage my sneaking tears -
Whence now did swell such floods of pain
To see me melt into this rain…

On equal bearing now were we:
This rain; myself, in harmony.

~ Mark R. Slaughter (found on poemhunter.com)

Happy Day :D

Yesterday was just one of those days. It didn't go as I planned (ha! does it ever?). But so many random little things happened -- it felt like a perfect day :)

I got a cell phone.

Woot!! :D

Touch screen + keyboard + NO data plan = the perfect first phone. And it has a purple case. Need I say more?

I also got a job.
Not just any job either. A job at Panera.

HAHA! WHOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!! *leaps for joy* Best. Day. EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Now, why do I say all this? To boast about Caitlin's grand ol' life? Nope. I'm saying this because I want to remind you (and myself) that these wonderful things are gifts from God.

I need to be thankful.

[I also feel like shouting my happiness to the world, and this is as far as I'm getting :p]

"God, thank you for all that you have given me. I pray that I use it all for Your glory...And that no matter what, You are my most prized possession."

{Braveheart}

I watched Braveheart for the first time last night. I'd seen bits and pieces of it before, but never the whole thing. Never before heard the words that William Wallace spoke resounding in my head. Never before felt the emotions playing across his face...and Murron's...and Isabelle's...and Robert the Bruce's...



This is one of the opening scenes...as far as I'm concerned, it's one of the most powerful. Something about the way neither William or Murron speak. It's just a connection between two children <3

Braveheart is a tale of {LOVE}


















A tale of {WAR}


























But mostly...Braveheart is about {FREEDOM} You see it in Mel Gibson's face, that desire for freedom reflected in his eyes (he plays William Wallace, in case you didn't know).



"They may take our lives - but they will never take our FREEDOM!"

William says many things that cut to the heart.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

"I *am* William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as free men... and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?"

Scottish soldier: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.

"Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take...OUR FREEDOM!"

Robert the Bruce: Lands, titles, men, power, nothing.
Robert's Father: Nothing?
Robert the Bruce: I have nothing. Men fight for me because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and their children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace, and he fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it's tearing me apart.
Robert's Father: All men betray. All lose heart.
Robert the Bruce: I don't want to lose heart!! I want to believe as he does.

A note on Princess Isabelle. I really liked her. She fought for freedom in her own way. And this line was delivered with womanly strength: "The king will be dead in a month and his son is a weakling. Who do you think will rule this kingdom?"

For those of you who have not seen Braveheart, I won't spoil the ending or storyline. I'm a girl and I'm not into gory/bloody battles, but this one was decent; the tale was beautiful and heartrending, uplifting...yada yada yada...But really though, I did love it:) And I would encourage you to watch it.

Oh, wait...there are some cuss words (gahhh). And a few extremely inappropriate scenes (two to be precise). They are easily skipped/fast-forwarded though.

Impossible

Being a follower of Jesus, I've often tried to convince myself that the word "impossible" doesn't exist. [It does, of course, but the boundaries that rule this world don't rule God.] Because of this verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) I "have God" and so I can use His power to do anything, nothing will stop me.

Yes...and no.


I think we've got this a little twisted. Flip the verse around and reapply the meaning, and you come up with something like Matthew 19:26: "But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'"

It's not us using God. It always starts with God. Nothing is impossible for God. He shows us this by getting us through things, giving us things...and using us to do impossible things. We don't do them - God does.

Are you feeling any awe here? I am. Standing before God...I can't even imagine it. And sometimes I forget that. I forget who God really is. Just how big and holy he is. Nothing I've ever wanted or dreamed of can compare with Him.

"If you have been in the presence of the Almighty God, everything that once controlled you suddenly has less power." This quote is from a book I'm reading, When People are BIG and God is Small. It's about overcoming "fear of man" - aka insecurity, self-consciousness, peer pressure...etc. The solution? Focusing on who God is instead of on who you are.

It's an interesting concept.

Right now, I'm just enjoying searching the Word to discover God. I want to be in awe of Him and to delight in just being His daughter...His servant...



A light for Him in this world, burning with passion.

Dynamic Short People

The title was designed to get your attention (yeah, I'm guilty of the salesmanship plot...) and it might be a bit off-track, but this does have to do with small people -- who are either small in stature or small inside.

If you're like me at all (not very probable), you want to understand small people. Those people who seem too small to have made it into the spotlight, too unimportant to have influenced history. When I read a book, sometimes I find myself wondering about those in-between characters. What would happen if I took time to devote an entire novel to a lesser character...say the White Witch's dwarf-servant, or Pippin in Lord of the Rings, or Tinkerbell in Peter Pan?

There's always a deeper level to delve into.

I went to see The Return of the King in theaters last night. I know, it came out years ago, but they were having a special showing of the extended edition for just one night, one time...It was amazing:) LOTR has always held a special place in my heart. And the last one is just so beautiful and sad (*tears up just thinking about it*). I didn't actually cry, though, because SOMEONE kept laughing (*cough* Ruthie *cough* Alex), and consequently I laughed.

J.R.R. Tolkien's story seems to have so many, hm, similarities to our world. It reveals so many lessons and heartfelt truths (C.S. Lewis is also very good at that). But there is one lesson in particular that keeps coming to me over and over and over again.

[Here's where we get to the "short people" ;)]

The small, imperfect, weak, and simple-minded people can sometimes make the greatest changes in the world.

Obviously, I'm referring to the hobbits. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and, last but not even close to least, Frodo. Four hobbits who are half the size of everybody else and yet they choose to keep taking small steps forward and fight for their world - not in pursuit of glory and fame, but just because they believe it's right. The other, "wiser" characters are not dumped in the mud by any means; they still play their large and awesome parts. But it's just the fact that the little people can and do make a difference.

It's the best story in the world.

Probably because I feel like one of the lesser characters in my own story ;)

Which brings me to the connection with our world. I Corinthians 26-29:

"For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence."

There you have it. God wants to take our measly little selves and turn us into amazing people for Him! Not that we should stop trying to be better...but that we are content with who God made us. Whether you be Elf, Dwarf, Man, Woman, Hobbit, Orc (preferably not..), or Smeagol.

Never you forget that Smeagol had a part to play in the end! And only once he was cast into the molten lava of Mount Doom (spectacular name, btw) did he finally lose his chance for redemption...

Upside Down

Life has a way of turning things upside down...and making you wonder how you ever managed to live right side up:)

That's my thought tonight. It's like all those stars I was talking about yesterday (see older post) just lit up my sky and I could finally catch a little glimpse of God's plan. Well, not His plan (I never seem to see that part rawr), but just what He's doing with my life right now.

The future remains a mystery.

So I was thinking - last night when I couldn't get to sleep, and today, when I was trying not to think :P - about my life and who I picture myself as. I've always kind of been a Tigger person. Personality-wise, and admiring-wise. But I was wondering...

What if all along I thought I was Tigger, but I've really been Eeyore the whole time?

It was quite an epiphany.

I'm reading the Inkheart trilogy (again) right now, and it's making me think about everything in story terms. Fiction. Books. Making my story. And wondering which character I am in the Story of Life. And it's making me sooo glad to realize that, unlike most fictional stories, I can change roles. I can go from being the bad guy (er, girl) to being on the side of the heroes. I can switch from the shy, low self esteem girl to being bold and courageous.

I can change.

It's making me really happy. It's also making me ask myself a few hard questions: what is it I really want? And if I really want something, what will I do to get it? God should be my greatest treasure. If I want Him above all else, I need to go and get Him.

Anyway, He's turned my life upside down and I'm slightly ruffled and freaked out but isn't that the best part of the roller coaster anyway? Looking back and saying, "Wow, I just about peed my pants...But gee, let's do it again! I know exactly where I'm going now." :)

Hyper Stars

Heyyyy:) I'm here again! Ta da!!

I AM HYPER!!! :D :D :D

...Why, you may ask? Because I'm about to dive into a bowl of peanut butter cup ice cream AND it's after eight-thirty (nighttime, you know) AND I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thus, hyperness.

Great, huh?

I also have one very good reason to NOT be hyper/happy -- which I am very avidly ignoring. I don't want to be depressed and confused anymore. (Well, the confused part I won't be getting away from anytime soon.) I'm ready to look through the darkness and gaze at the stars.

Enjoy those little moments that sparkle like stars in my night sky. Some of them like shooting stars that I try to hold but they fade anyway...And others that glitter on, tucked away in my mind forever, where I can flip through them and just remember <3

But the best ones are the ones I'm living now. The ones where I'm riding the roller coaster and screaming as I shoot around faster than any shooting star. The ones that make me giggle because everything is funny. When all I can taste is something delicious on my tongue. All I can feel is the peaceful, cool grass on my toes...or the well-worn pages of my favorite book...or the bliss at being me, right where I am, in this world.

Maybe these moments are occurring less and less. But isn't it my fault if the little things are meaning less, and I'm focusing instead on heading for the big ones - the big ones that never come?? Yup. MY fault.

So, here's to enjoying the stars...even when clouds fill my sky with shadows <3

What Defines Me?

What if our lives weren't lived, silently, loudly, apart from the world and yet constantly in it...what if our lives were, instead, written??

What if the things that we say and do were recorded in a book? What if your story was actually a story - would you be the villain, the bully, the controller making things happen? Would you be the one lost in speculation and thought, filling pages with your questions and answers? What character would you be?

Okay, what if your life wasn't a book? Not a story, not really anything...but a life. Yet your life had a room dedicated to you. Just one room. Every person's room was different - some small, others huge, some without any windows. And across the walls, scrawled in different colors of ink and paint, were words. Words that you wrote. Words that just screamed you. Words that you thought in your head.

Words that you thought, but never said.

What if someone could peek into the room, after you were gone, and see you in full force, like a movie character on a screen? It was something to return to, over and over again, and just look and admire and learn...

My reason for creating this idea of a room that equals a person is to try and discover something (haha! my D word!). That something is this: What makes you you? What makes me me?

If you took away all the defining physical characteristics (blond hair, gray-green eyes, skinny arms, fair skin), what would I leave behind that would be me? Is it the way I think? Well, if that's it, then I'm rather put-out; you see, there are some people who think like me. Alright, not exactly like me (ha, I'm sure no one is quite that psychotic), but if you took each of my different trains of thought separately, I'm sure there would be another person to make each one up to.

Okay. Let's hypothetically say that it isn't just our thoughts that make us us. What's left over? Our personalities. A personality is "the visible aspect of one's character as it impresses others."

Wait. Our personalities are defined by how people see us? For some reason that is very disturbing. So then, according to worldly opinions on the matter, WHO WE ARE IS DEFINED BY THE WORLD.

Sometimes, by what we do. Mostly by what we wear, where we work, and who we know. It's all subjective to others ever-shifting opinions. Where do our own opinions come in? In defining others.

What a crazy, silly circle.

Cut out personality and thoughts. And physical features. What's left is fashion, hobbies/talents/skills, paper certificates that are supposed to mean something ("you have graduated from such and such a high school"), your friends, and how much money you have.

Is that really what describes me? Am I Caitlin because I write words all over the place and I am relatively poor? I can't decide what style I like best, so I dress both punk and vintage. Does THAT make me Caitlin?

I've always wanted to be me...plus something else (see the I AM NUMBER FOUR blog entry). But the thing is, I can only ever be me, even if I try to be something else, even if I try to change.

I'm still Caitlin. Still here.

The real answer to all these questions is sitting right in front of my face. I've been staring at it - and not wanting to see it. Because it's too simple. And...I've been seeing things through the world's eyes lately (a very bad habit, I know). I keep reaching for these insignificant things that everyone else is going for and I think I need them.

I don't.

Because I have God.

He defines me. He defines all of us. HE MADE US.

It's annoying, that it's so easy, so dependent upon only Him...and yet it's also a relief. So calming, so perfect, so right. And I guess I needed to hear that. Needed to think through all of this and realize that ME is whoever He wants me to be.

I am His.

That's who Caitlin is.

I AM NUMBER FOUR

I just got back from watching I AM NUMBER FOUR at the theater. It wasn’t quite what I expected (at first, the whole alien thing upset me – I’m not a big fan of alien-related stories *groans*). But I like surprises. And the characters in this movie were very…eh, enviable to me.

Yeah. Not going to go into that right now.

But one thing that really came across in that movie is the whole feeling of other-worldliness. It’s a prevalent theme in media today. Supernatural, paranormal, inhuman, mythical, alien – all words that describe this feeling inside that we need something outside of our “normal, ordinary lives.”

We all want to be something…more…than what we are. It’s a part of who we are. To remedy this desire, we search for the things in nature that seem to be beyond us – or at least beyond our words – things that are outside of our control. Inversely, we sometimes go the opposite direction and do everything humanly possible to be in control: we up our speed, strength, talents, intelligence, and reflexes till we seem invincible.

But we’re not.

So for those of us who are lazy and don’t know how to achieve this supernatural-ness, we watch great movies and read awesome books that allow us, for a few hours, to become supernatural. We can fly, we can understand our friends completely, we can rise above all obstacles, we can shoot rays of light from our fingers or pull fantastical stunts or see the future or become fireproof. It’s quite the experience.

For me, there’s a slightly deeper desire…beyond the yearning for impossible beauty or strength or intuition…it’s a desire to be my own person. Those characters are so well-crafted that you don’t just see their faces and their clothes; you see their persona. They have a little life that’s completely unique to themselves. And I’ve never really had that.

I’m more of a mixture of things. I don’t stick with the same thing for very long – I like to bounce around and dabble in – well – everything. (cough.) My most defining characteristic is that I laugh easily and loudly. Seriously.

So the girl in I AM NUMBER FOUR was so spectacular to me. She was ordinary (in a way) but she had this image. Her image was a photographer.

Her room was plastered with photos, her decorations were photographs, cameras, and film. She carried a camera everywhere, snapping photos every ten seconds or so. She had a blog/website full of interesting pictures. That camera was what she put her life into.

She did other things besides take pictures, she still paid attention to how she dressed, and she had a family life. But that camera was so her. I loved that.


Anyway, I’m not trying to knock myself, cause I hate it when people do that. (Okay, maybe I was a little, but it’s okay to feel slightly insignificant when you find someone that you think is a role model, okay? :P) I just really want the spectacular right now. I want to be…known for who I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not really, entirely, truly myself.

And that sounds completely ridiculous. Sigh.

But that yearning we all have is because of the void of God. He’s the supernatural we all need and want! He’s the defining force that gives us our identity. Fame, money, pleasure, material possessions, fashion, college degree – none of that really defines us. I mean, who are we, but God’s creation? What do we have that He hasn’t given to us?

So right now I’m longing to “create” myself anew and become what I think is a cool person (huh, sounds fun, doesn’t it?). Yet I think to what the Bible says…what we are through Jesus’ death on the cross…we are all new creations. Born again. Washed clean. Ready to start over.

This life that I want so much to create…He’s trying to create it for me. But I keep getting in the way. Buying a camera isn’t going to set the stage for an amazing life. But following Him is.

_Caitlin_

{Reality}

I'm not in the mood for much of anything, at the moment. I'm in the mood to watch a movie -- which translates into a non-mood. Because when I'm in a movie-watching mood, it means that I basically don't want to think about things that cause me pain, I don't want to try to solve my problems, I don't want to deal with imperfect things/people, and I would rather be dead then be me. Cuz watching a movie is about as active as being dead. Yet I'm in that mood so often! Kind of disturbing, isn't it? I'm more of a zombie than I thought.

Movies, books, and the internet are my three methods of dipping into an alternate reality. It's like stepping over some invisible line and escaping the red cross hairs trained on my pinhead. Once I've let my mind enter either of these three fairy tales, I cease being myself. I'm just an objective opinion on the fringes of a great story. I'm just following someone else around as they live their life.

Because I don't want to live mine.

This post started out as a sort of journal entry. Whenever I let my mind wander, it seems to come to its own difficult conclusions and hit me smack dab in the place where it hurts the most. But it's a good feeling -- a feeling of realization, truth, reality -- realizing that all these things I've been struggling with (or rather, trying to avoid) are not as complicated as I thought they were.

They're just a result of me being lazy and avoided anything that event remotely involves waking up.

I love sleep. Sleeping physically, and sleeping spiritually. I know who God is (or I pretend to), I know the "deeper meaning" of life, and I'm okay with not doing anything about...about...well, about the state of things in this world. The state of my heart (you poor broken, confused thing) and the state of my mind (let's not go there) and the state of everyone around me.

So many of us know God and yet haven't really experienced Him. And so many others out there DON'T know God. At all.

This whole thing is to basically say that I keep messing up over and over again. I make the exact same mistakes all the time.

I HATE IT.

But what do I do about it?

Nothing.

If you're looking for a happy ending, you're not going to get one. Not yet, at least. If there is one coming for me, it's going to take a very long time. When He takes me home.

Simpatico with Life

I just have to post this wonderfully fun word to say that I got in my inbox today (that...totally rhymes)! You've probably heard the word, but I've never actually known what it means, so it feels new to me :p

simpatico: congenial or like-minded

I was going to endeavor to use it in a sentence, but I rather like leaving it untouched and unmangled by my stilted words. Forgive me. Nothing's coming out poetically today.

The rain usually has me in this wonderful poetic mood, but it's like it hasn't reached me today. I'm just stuck in my own little online world. I think I've been staring at screens too much today. The TV screen (educational videos if you MUST know) and the laptop screen...hours of wasted time...

Not wasted, exactly, just seemingly unprofitable ;)

I'm simultaneously writing this while chatting with a friend, and it has come to me that I still do not have a main focus for this blog. Is that a good thing? I'm not entirely sure. Hm. I just feel bad about the subject being...me.

So allow me to point my little (very little) light back to where it belongs: God. Because after that sad post from Saturday night, this is how He's brought back the dawn.

"She said, 'It's gonna be alright,'
Cause God made a way through the pain
And He opened her eyes..."

No matter what happens or what has happened, He's still there, loving me. And that's all that matters. ["Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."]