A Little Story for Big Thoughts

I just jotted something down this week. It stemmed from listening to a song called "Boy With A Coin" by Iron and Wine.

Here is the story, my friends. Please by all means comment. I need to get back into writing (I have been neglecting it, let me tell you) and feedback - critical or otherwise - helps me keep going. I don't want to leave words behind in the snowdust of snowboarding on a mountain...

Boy With A Coin

    If he'd found it on the street, that would make sense. If someone had handed it to him from a generous pocket, the situation would seem much more plausible. But as it was (or rather, is) the boy seems a bit thoughtless. Careless. Confused.

     His name is Benjamin. I tell you this not because it is important, but because I want you to see him as you would a friend, acquaintance. Someone who's face and name you know and care about, if only because he seems to genuine and innocent to let anything bad happen to him.

     Benjamin worked hard. Every day there was some new job for him to do. In a world where little boys had nothing to their name, his was the life of a drifter. From shop to shop he begged for work, scrounging a living. No one begrudged him this life, though; he worked as hard as any of the grown men. Daily he earned more than food. He earned respect.

    It was on one of his odd jobs that he tripped on a loose cobblestone and unearthed a large coin. At first he could hardly believe it. It covered the whole palm of his hand.

    It was not a penny or a dime or any other such worthless piece of metal. No, this was a day and age when metal in your pocket meant more than any piece of paper crumpled in your wallet. This coin could have bought a weeks' worth of meals – in the boy's case, many more than that, as he usually existed upon bread crusts. He could have done most anything with this treasure.

    The world opens to your hand when you have money. That's the way it works. We all know this.

    Maybe the boy knew, and did not understand.

     He crammed it into his pocket and left it there. His face was aglow but his heart could only stare. True dreams are not of money (though they may be of wealth); true dreams are of beautiful things. Of adventure and love and desire and ambition and achievement of great things. Dreams take us away when our feet are shackled to the floor.

     He walked and walked till he reached the pier. There the sea breeze lifted the hair from his forehead and tore some of the stench from his grimy clothes. The world seemed to open before him. The see filled his vision, the horizon seemed closer than before, music sprang up in his ears. Without looking at it, he pulled the coin from his pocket and rubbed it smooth and clean.

    He held it up above his head, watching the last rays of sunlight catch the gold color and turn it brilliantly orange and yellow.

    What was he to do with it?

He tossed it into the sea.

    And then he wished.

    His eyes were wide open and the sunset over the ocean reflected brilliantly in them. His fists were clenched. His heart was throbbing with the idea of his dream being realized. That was all he needed to do. He turned and walked away.

*

     A sailor watched from the edge of his master's ship. His eyes drew together, then widened, as the scene played out before him. As soon as the boy's back was turned he ran, eyes fixed on the tiny ripples in the water where the coin had sunk. Money was tight, and not only for poor little orphan boys. He leapt out over the water and at the last second curled his body into a dive, fingers outstretched for the prize.

    Later, the papers reported a drowning. No one ever knew that it was the sailor's feeble graspings for treasure had brought him to his death.

*

    I cannot tell you what the boy wished for. Then it will not come true, you know. He never told me (though I guessed and I am sure that I am right). All I can say is that his wish does not involve anything that we have mentioned already.

   What if he had saved the coin? He could certainly have made great progress towards his wish. Perhaps even achieved it wholly.

   What if he had shared the coin with another, and brightened their day? He could have brought joy and eased someone's hunger, supposedly. He could have even given it to the sailor and saved that man's reckless life.

   But he didn't do those things. Instead he wished big and he wished wholly. Everything in him wanted this to come true. And it didn't matter that he was throwing away his livelihood. He was gaining life. Life such as he wasn't sure he could get.

   But it was worth throwing all away to wish for it.

     Just a boy with a coin. And then a boy without a coin. And does it all matter? That all depends on whether you wish you had the coin or not. Or whether you think you know what he wished for. 

Tell me: what one wish is worth wishing with everything you own? Wishing beyond what you could ever hope to gain?

Tell me, please. Tell me what this story means.  

Connection

CONNECTION - an excerpt

Clouds veil the sky. Wind blows at the lonely cornstalks on the hilltop and rushing down through the valley, chilling the air with its frosty breath.

Winter was on its way.

Hair twisted into an intricate braid, a girl climbs the hill, her hands balled into fists. An expression of distaste coating her otherwise pretty features.

When she crested the hill, she paused and took in the view. With a twist, the world shifted and she was falling - falling through miles of empty space, the ground below her spinning uncontrollably and getting closer every second, the cliff above her falling away just as quickly. Her scream rent the air.

And then she was standing again, the wind brushing her hair off her face, the hill as sturdy and ordinary as ever.

A tear trickled down her cheek. Would it ever stop? This second life tugged at her soul, and she could not escape. Help would never come; who could she turn to? If anyone knew...she shuddered. The thought of being forever an outcast, insane and alone, hurt worse than the suicidal visions that were so clear she seemed to leave the real world entirely.

They were hard to predict, these shifts in her reality. Sometimes they came in the form of dreams, waking her from her sleep. Other times, like today, they just happened, shocking her system uncontrollably. Every time they occurred, they left a blank spot in her memory, as if she'd skipped minutes of her life in real life.

A sheet of rain, carried on the wind, rushed from the east. She didn't try to run. As it hit her, she let the tears roll faster, mixing with the cold raindrops on her skin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her dress caught on a patch of briars. Angrily, she tore it free. She was angry a lot lately. Perhaps it was a safe emotion - everyone left her alone then. Something brushed her hair, and she reached back to untangle it.

But her hand brushed something else.

"Oh!" she gasped and spun around.

A man stood there. His eyes were an unusual shade of gray, his dark hair tousled by the wind. He was tall and almost intimidating, but she was not afraid; his face was open but so completely focused. His hand was still frozen in the air from when he'd touched her hair. Nervously, she took a step back. Her hands clutched the basket tighter than before.

They didn't say anything for a while. It was as if they both just needed to look.

"Who are you?" she whispered.

A hint of a smile crept over his lips. "No one."

She shook her head, afraid to return the smile. "This place isn't large enough to hide nobodies. You must be a relative of someone in town."

"You've stayed hidden this long."

She shuddered, as if something had crawled into her mind and seen things she didn't want them to see. What did he mean by that? Everyone in town knew her; she wasn't hidden at all.

"I'm not hiding from anyone." She pushed her chin in the air and turned to walk home.

He matched her strides with his own. "I'm Bryan."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too, Marie."

She stopped, trying to hide the shock. "How do you know my name?"

He didn't answer. he only kept walking, the leaves crunching beneath his leather boots. She caught up to him, breathless. "My name. How do you know my name? Have we met before?"

"No." He smiled at her, a crooked, knowing smile. "But I have seen you many times before."

Her heart pounded strangely. He was lying. He had to be. If he didn't live here, than there was no chance he could have seen her before. She'd never left this valley.

And now she was alone with this liar in the woods and darkness was approaching.

This is an extremely random story I just spouted out of nowhere. It might turn into something, but it also might not. I hope you enjoyed it:)

Stop and Go

I just realized something.

I don't want to spend the rest of life sitting in a day care center, teaching children about shapes, colors, and words. I don't want to wipe runny noses, chase after little boys, catch spiders in jars because "we don't kill bugs in front of children" (um, yes, I do -_-)...Yeah, being a teacher, maybe. But sitting in a room full of kids 5 to 6 days a week, day after day...I don't know why this excited me at first :P

What I do want to do is WRITE. I want to experiment with different art mediums. I want to travel.

Teaching just doesn't fit that.

So...this quarter is half a waste of my time. I know, it's sad. But there is room for change. For new decisions. The little planner-, wait-on-God-, procrastinator-me is freaking out inside.

I'm reading a book called Just Do Something. Appropriately enough, it's a super small book. It's pointing out to me the fact that "discovering God's will" isn't a treasure hunt that I'm on. I have to step out in faith and make decisions. I have to act on what I believe. There isn't time for me to float in limbo, waiting for God. While I wait to see His plan, I have to be doing.

Um, so this is pretty much Caitlin-ramblings ;) I wouldn't post it, except that I already wrote it and I haven't posted anything in so very long.

Ta ta for now!

Boys

Mmmm. It's that little voice in your head that just goes, "yummy," when you see an attractive guy...though that voice should really only be used in situations of chocolate, Starbucks mint mocha frappes, fresh-baked bread, and chicken salad sandwiches.

Lately, I haven't been able to put guys out of my head. I am literally *on the look-out post*, peeking over the edge of a book, glancing out of the corner of my eye, eavesdropping on others' conversations. It's like I think I'm a SPY or something.

I was sitting in a comfy chair, studying away on campus, when I glanced up and saw this guy. He had dark hair (hehe) and my first thought was just a casual, "Hm, nice profile." Then I kept watching him as he walked around the study area. (Very subtly, of course! :P) Then he went back outside, and as he went through, he stopped to hold the door open for a girl.

"A gentleman, too!" I thought. [You see how unfocused I am while doing homework?]

Then the girl came in and she was wearing a rather short skirt and heels, so basically a brunette chick with tan, long legs and I start to fume a little..."Of course he would hold a door open for her; what guy wouldn't?"

Then he walks off into the rain and he doesn't put his hood up or anything. Immediately, I assume that he secretly likes the rain, too, like I do.

Ahem. That's the end of my little Caitlin-with-hot-brunette fairy tale. I'm not exactly proud of the way I watch and analyze people. But it is funny thinking about it now. I'm so, so, SO glad there aren't mind readers out there!

My question is, am I the only one on the planet who does this? I mean, I'm currently heading toward guy-obsession (bad, bad Caitlin), but it's not wrong to think guys are *cough* hot....

....is it?

As a coworker of mine said: "A good piece of eye-candy is healthy every once in a while. It's the only kind of candy that's good for you!"

Heh. That makes me laugh.

dreads

for some reason, I am veeeeeery fascinated by the idea of having dreadlocks. this is NOT due to me crushing on anyone who has dreadlocks! i just....really want to do something different with my hair.

that would be different.



i know i sound like i'm going over the deep end here, having a break-down, going crazy, getting all rebellious on you...i swear to you, i am not. i'm just wanting to try new things. and seriously, doesn't that look pretty awesome right there??



i have no idea what my parents would say to such an idea. or if my new job would appreciate the hair addition. buuut, what's life without a little craziness? i mean if i legitly want to do this (and i do), then why shouldn't i? i'm not getting a piercing or a tattoo; this can be undone. (eventually...).

i won't know until i try, right?

do you have anything to say for or against?

Little Things

Sometimes I live from moment to moment. It's like I can't survive without those little things that make me happy. Because, honestly, there aren't that many HUGE moments. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

The little things drive away the tears and make me smile unconsciously. Before I know it, I'm happy...and I know it's God sending blessings my way.

~ Standing in the pouring rain, basking in the light of a monolithic and victorious bonfire, and watching little orange sparks float in the sky like stars...while my friends laugh and talk around me.

~ Wearing 3D glasses for the first time and feeling adorkable.

~ Texting underneath my pink umbrella while raindrops cascade at my feet.

~ Watching Sense and Sensibility with an enthralled expression as I realized just how amazing Colonel Brandon is.


~ Washing my car at home in the sunshine with an old-fashioned bucket of soapy water and the garden hose.

~ Spraying the hose for a few extra minutes just so I can see the miniature rainbow I've created.

~ Feeling goofily happy about my cork necklace.

I haven't been taking pictures lately, or I'd add some to this post. I...dislike my camera. A lot. But I love photography. What am I going to do about that?

There is one thing, though, that can't quite fit on the little things list for this past week, and that is this: God loves me. He's molding me into just the ceramic mug I'm supposed to be. And if it hurts a bit in the process...

If I feel like I'm a zombie going nowhere...

If I dig deeper into the world of fantasy because I can't stand watching my life play out before me...

Then I'll take that in return for His love. I'll just keep walking. Keep trusting that He has a plan. I give up -- He doesn't. I get lost -- He knows I've never wandered beyond reach.

And He sends me little things that He knows will make me smile :)

Happy Day :D

Yesterday was just one of those days. It didn't go as I planned (ha! does it ever?). But so many random little things happened -- it felt like a perfect day :)

I got a cell phone.

Woot!! :D

Touch screen + keyboard + NO data plan = the perfect first phone. And it has a purple case. Need I say more?

I also got a job.
Not just any job either. A job at Panera.

HAHA! WHOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!! *leaps for joy* Best. Day. EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Now, why do I say all this? To boast about Caitlin's grand ol' life? Nope. I'm saying this because I want to remind you (and myself) that these wonderful things are gifts from God.

I need to be thankful.

[I also feel like shouting my happiness to the world, and this is as far as I'm getting :p]

"God, thank you for all that you have given me. I pray that I use it all for Your glory...And that no matter what, You are my most prized possession."

Filling the Bucket

A bucket list is a...list...(:P) full of hopes and dreams -- things that you want to fulfil before you proverbially "kick the bucket." Mine is fairly random.

I like to put lots of big things on my list; the small things just stay tucked away in my heart. I'm seriously considering pulling all of them out and stacking them on paper, one by one. We shall see. It's called filling the bucket, doncha know?

I have everything from:

Acquiring a pair of red shoes

to

Going skydiving

to

Starting a whipped cream fight

to

Riding in a hot air balloon


Anyway, my bucket list is here.

Find your own bucket and start filling it. I hope you take some things out now and again and label them as memories. A bucket list is only great fun if you take care to cross things off of it:)

[This post is being entered in a "Bucket List" contest by a fellow blogger.]

{i wish i could fly}

I've had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head these past few days, and not very much time to write them down. Beautiful words that will never hit the page. So I like to pretend I'm setting them free just by thinking them, tossing them to the corners of the earth, and they fly away on the wings of the wind...



Sometimes, I really wish I could fly.

I have a bit of a confession to make. I've sort of fallen in love with the Harry Potter series.



A couple of friends of mine are excited about the conclusion of the series (Deathly Hallows, Part 2), which is coming out next Friday night, and I'd like to go watch it with them. It's prompted me to catch up. I've read the first four books, then watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire through to Deathly Hallows, Part 1.

One of my favorite characters from the movies is Luna Lovegood. I never met her in the pages of the book, but I love her anyway. She's just so...eccentric:)









I'm planning on dressing up as her. Should be interesting. Her radish earrings and cork necklace are just the type of thing that is so unique I love to copy it...which probably ruins the unique-ness a bit. Oh, well.

Upside Down

Life has a way of turning things upside down...and making you wonder how you ever managed to live right side up:)

That's my thought tonight. It's like all those stars I was talking about yesterday (see older post) just lit up my sky and I could finally catch a little glimpse of God's plan. Well, not His plan (I never seem to see that part rawr), but just what He's doing with my life right now.

The future remains a mystery.

So I was thinking - last night when I couldn't get to sleep, and today, when I was trying not to think :P - about my life and who I picture myself as. I've always kind of been a Tigger person. Personality-wise, and admiring-wise. But I was wondering...

What if all along I thought I was Tigger, but I've really been Eeyore the whole time?

It was quite an epiphany.

I'm reading the Inkheart trilogy (again) right now, and it's making me think about everything in story terms. Fiction. Books. Making my story. And wondering which character I am in the Story of Life. And it's making me sooo glad to realize that, unlike most fictional stories, I can change roles. I can go from being the bad guy (er, girl) to being on the side of the heroes. I can switch from the shy, low self esteem girl to being bold and courageous.

I can change.

It's making me really happy. It's also making me ask myself a few hard questions: what is it I really want? And if I really want something, what will I do to get it? God should be my greatest treasure. If I want Him above all else, I need to go and get Him.

Anyway, He's turned my life upside down and I'm slightly ruffled and freaked out but isn't that the best part of the roller coaster anyway? Looking back and saying, "Wow, I just about peed my pants...But gee, let's do it again! I know exactly where I'm going now." :)

Hyper Stars

Heyyyy:) I'm here again! Ta da!!

I AM HYPER!!! :D :D :D

...Why, you may ask? Because I'm about to dive into a bowl of peanut butter cup ice cream AND it's after eight-thirty (nighttime, you know) AND I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thus, hyperness.

Great, huh?

I also have one very good reason to NOT be hyper/happy -- which I am very avidly ignoring. I don't want to be depressed and confused anymore. (Well, the confused part I won't be getting away from anytime soon.) I'm ready to look through the darkness and gaze at the stars.

Enjoy those little moments that sparkle like stars in my night sky. Some of them like shooting stars that I try to hold but they fade anyway...And others that glitter on, tucked away in my mind forever, where I can flip through them and just remember <3

But the best ones are the ones I'm living now. The ones where I'm riding the roller coaster and screaming as I shoot around faster than any shooting star. The ones that make me giggle because everything is funny. When all I can taste is something delicious on my tongue. All I can feel is the peaceful, cool grass on my toes...or the well-worn pages of my favorite book...or the bliss at being me, right where I am, in this world.

Maybe these moments are occurring less and less. But isn't it my fault if the little things are meaning less, and I'm focusing instead on heading for the big ones - the big ones that never come?? Yup. MY fault.

So, here's to enjoying the stars...even when clouds fill my sky with shadows <3

D - the letter of the day

I was thinking the other day (rare, I know) about how many “D” words I like. It seems like a great thing to bring up in my blog – vocabulary and all that jazz. Anyway, here are my favorites:

1. Duck = not the animal. I’m quite averse to quacking. I mean the verb, “duck,” as in trying to escape from bullets ;)
2. Dredged = oh, the image of something being dragged or pulled up from somewhere way down, through darkness and deep water…till finally, it’s dredged up to the surface.
3. Dude = okay, I’ll admit it: I love saying dude.
4. Disco = it’s just fun to say! Blaring music, flashing lights, people full of energy…
5. Delve = this is what you do when you’re going deep down to dredge something up :P
6. Dampen = don’t drench (although that is another great word), don’t moisten – just dampen the rag. Like dew drops.
7. Dew. Bahaha ^
8. Dismal/Dreary = makes me think of days of rain without ceasing, or castle dungeons, or going hours without seeing people.
9. Droll = I should really have put this one at the top. It’s the best “D” word ever! Listen to the definition (oh-hoh, it’s soooo awesome): “amusing in an odd way; whimsically humorous; waggish.” Go and look up the “waggish” – I assure you that you will be amused. And I have just decided that I am a wag.
10. Delete = don’t you just love that little button on the keyboard that says DELETE? I wish there was one of those for my brain. And my life. Oh, I don’t want to remember that – delete. I’d like get rid of that annoying person – delete.
11. Departure = something I’d rather participate in than merely “leaving.” If you know what I mean.
12. Disinclined = quite self-explanatory in its awesomeness.
13. Dastardly = meaning cowardly, sneaking…Dastardly deeds are always done in medieval novels. Quite.
14. Dysfunctional = oh, how this word applies to me…At the moment, my computer is making me dysfunctional in anything but cyberspace ;p
15. Discover = my major life pursuit. My life-motto. All of my dreams in a nutshell. My…ooookay, I’m being prolixly again.
16. Discard = throwing away things has its benefits. Especially those books I buy from library booksales that are labeled DISCARD in a most appealing way. Although, I don’t use this word very much because I’m an, ah, packrat *cough*.

Do you have a favorite "D" word?? I'm always willing to expand my vocabulary!

I AM NUMBER FOUR

I just got back from watching I AM NUMBER FOUR at the theater. It wasn’t quite what I expected (at first, the whole alien thing upset me – I’m not a big fan of alien-related stories *groans*). But I like surprises. And the characters in this movie were very…eh, enviable to me.

Yeah. Not going to go into that right now.

But one thing that really came across in that movie is the whole feeling of other-worldliness. It’s a prevalent theme in media today. Supernatural, paranormal, inhuman, mythical, alien – all words that describe this feeling inside that we need something outside of our “normal, ordinary lives.”

We all want to be something…more…than what we are. It’s a part of who we are. To remedy this desire, we search for the things in nature that seem to be beyond us – or at least beyond our words – things that are outside of our control. Inversely, we sometimes go the opposite direction and do everything humanly possible to be in control: we up our speed, strength, talents, intelligence, and reflexes till we seem invincible.

But we’re not.

So for those of us who are lazy and don’t know how to achieve this supernatural-ness, we watch great movies and read awesome books that allow us, for a few hours, to become supernatural. We can fly, we can understand our friends completely, we can rise above all obstacles, we can shoot rays of light from our fingers or pull fantastical stunts or see the future or become fireproof. It’s quite the experience.

For me, there’s a slightly deeper desire…beyond the yearning for impossible beauty or strength or intuition…it’s a desire to be my own person. Those characters are so well-crafted that you don’t just see their faces and their clothes; you see their persona. They have a little life that’s completely unique to themselves. And I’ve never really had that.

I’m more of a mixture of things. I don’t stick with the same thing for very long – I like to bounce around and dabble in – well – everything. (cough.) My most defining characteristic is that I laugh easily and loudly. Seriously.

So the girl in I AM NUMBER FOUR was so spectacular to me. She was ordinary (in a way) but she had this image. Her image was a photographer.

Her room was plastered with photos, her decorations were photographs, cameras, and film. She carried a camera everywhere, snapping photos every ten seconds or so. She had a blog/website full of interesting pictures. That camera was what she put her life into.

She did other things besides take pictures, she still paid attention to how she dressed, and she had a family life. But that camera was so her. I loved that.


Anyway, I’m not trying to knock myself, cause I hate it when people do that. (Okay, maybe I was a little, but it’s okay to feel slightly insignificant when you find someone that you think is a role model, okay? :P) I just really want the spectacular right now. I want to be…known for who I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not really, entirely, truly myself.

And that sounds completely ridiculous. Sigh.

But that yearning we all have is because of the void of God. He’s the supernatural we all need and want! He’s the defining force that gives us our identity. Fame, money, pleasure, material possessions, fashion, college degree – none of that really defines us. I mean, who are we, but God’s creation? What do we have that He hasn’t given to us?

So right now I’m longing to “create” myself anew and become what I think is a cool person (huh, sounds fun, doesn’t it?). Yet I think to what the Bible says…what we are through Jesus’ death on the cross…we are all new creations. Born again. Washed clean. Ready to start over.

This life that I want so much to create…He’s trying to create it for me. But I keep getting in the way. Buying a camera isn’t going to set the stage for an amazing life. But following Him is.

_Caitlin_

Corn

Let's meditate on corn for a moment, shall we? Corn is a wonderful, tasty thing. It grows from the ground and we pick it and we eat it and we save it and it is YELLOW like sunshine!!

A couple things I'd like to note about corn though.

1. It starts out as a little seed. There could be thousands of them sitting in a bucket, and they'd all look virtually the same. So small...and yet so ready to burst into life.

2. Those little seeds get a whole lot bigger. Knee high by the Fourth of July and all that. Predictable, maybe, but nonetheless wonderful to see corn grow.

3. There's a certain type of corn that is perfect for making popcorn. [And I loooove popcorn! <3] The seeds all start out the same - looking the same, reacting the same - but with the right amount of heat, they start to burst open and reveal their fluffy little insides.

Now, we all known what a kernel of popcorn looks like. It's not that hard to distinguish. But have you ever really looked at those kernels? Each one is different!!!

I don't know, I was eating day-old popcorn today, and I sort of had a "corn-epiphany." {Don't go knocking epiphanies :P} I just thought, hey, we're all like those corn kernels. We're all the same, really - human bodies, faces, arms, legs, the general amount of body parts - but when the heat is applied, when the pressure is on, we just sort of pop...and you see who we really are.

This is not a fool-proof theory or anything. I'm no psychologist. Which reminds me: I was reading about psychology today. Oops. Guess that's where this came from. Isn't that sad? I didn't just randomly decide to start thinking deeply...lol.

And that is the end of my corn meditation. Hope you enjoyed the little journey:) And remember: you can be a big, puffy kernel of popcorn, one that just had to burst open...or you could be one of those kernels that barely opened at all...and those kind don't taster very nice.

Heh heh =]

This Is Me

This is me writing a blog post when I really don't have anything to say.

This is me getting incredibly excited about something that has a very high potential of making me feel worse in the long run.

This is me having an awesome and otherwise hectic and unexpected day.

Besides the fact that my productivity was interrupted by a throbbing headache in the middle of the day (which has since receded), and then by Facebook, I've gotten quite a few things decided and accomplished. Even so, I've got more to do, so I'm going to throw a few random things out there and make it a short post:)

First of all, lately I've been really going my own way. I do whatever I feel like, I harbor anger, regret, bitterness, and my own form of depression deep inside me, and I try to make everyone see just how "important" I am. It's actually been very annoying -- not fun at all. I realize that I need to give all of these things up to God and stop living like an idiot.

Maybe then I'll stop running just to catch myself. Maybe then I'll find the joy in every moment of just being alive in God's presence (or as close to Him as we can be here on earth). Maybe then I'll quit spazzing out over the way my life is going - I really can't change that anyway.

In fact, these aren't maybes at all. These are truths. I know that when I "let go and let God" I'm going to find a freedom I can't get anywhere else. I've tasted it before, but only in small doses, and I think it's time I return to that.

I started that with a "first of all"...I don't have a second point. Just that I'm really all over the place (happy, not happy; busy, not busy; etc.) and I can't wait for God to use me for His kingdom <3

P.S. regarding my very first statement (the one about not having anything to say)...I guess God gave me something to say. Cuz that was totally not the plan. Don't you love it when He switches things around on you? =)

Springboard of Thought

There is something so very intoxicating about fresh spring air. I know it's only the middle of February, but I swear spring was giving us an early glimpse of herself today. When spring comes I am quite torn inside. One part of me feels that winter was too short (this year I didn't even build a snowman!) and that I'm going to be depressed when Snow Trails closes (I'm going to miss snowboarding so much). The other part of me can't wait to wear flip-flops and t-shirts and have a mud fight with someone.

Today I was reminded of how much I adore springtime. One whiff of that air that smells fresh as rain and cool as mountain snow and I am filled with an excitement that just bubbles up inside me. I suddenly feel as if anything is possible. I feel hope.

Tonight I've kind of lost that dream. It's slipping away like fog through my fingers; I'm unable to grasp it or make it stay, but at the same time it's clouding my vision. Thoughts, emotions, everything is treacherous. Why can't I just live life without over-thinking everything?

I actually have a bunch of "deep" problematic things that I need to think through right now, but I keep putting them off. Instead I obsess over things that don't really matter :P Time is an illusion. What time is there but now?

P.S. I've been neglectful. Sorry. But blogging isn't in my top ten right now...make that top twenty...ugh. To do lists keep getting longer.

SHOES

Short Post ;)

Apparently, shoes with any heel are not made with comfortability in mind. Or if they are, they look like something your grandma would wear, and not something that should complete the look of your fancy dress. After a good two hours (I'm guessing here), I finally found some decent shoes! Meaning this: they have less heel than I originally wanted, are less crazy than I was previously leaning towards, are quite plain and *almost* sensible, and a very, very good deal.

But they're for my brother's wedding, and I can't risk spraining my ankle in some ridiculous heels when I'm probably going to be helping out with anything and everything all night ;) Shelling out the cash for them isn't in my budget currently anyway.

Does anybody else have trouble with shoe shopping? Beyond the whole style issue, there's the sizing thing...Yeah. Shoes need to just conform to my feet. And all others, beware -_-

Spills and Dreams

So the other day, I *happened* to be walking in front of my mirror while holding a water bottle (yes, I tend to be attracted to mirrors xD soo vain of me). I thought I saw something on my back so I angled myself so I could see my backside in the mirror, simultaneously lifting the water bottle up so I could take a drink. I somehow missed my mouth - and my face - and managed to dump water all over my the left side of my sweatshirt.

I don't know how these things happen to me. Really, I don't.

I've decided to tell you my dream from last night because it's hilarious. And also because...I can actually remember quite a few details from this particular escapade in dreamland:)

I was in a house (a ranch-style house, in case you were wondering) in Alaska. I don't know how I knew I was in Alaska, because there really weren't any windows and I never went outside; it's so great having all this knowledge in dreams! Anyway, we were having a garage sale...INDOORS. Obviously, since in Alaska there's always snow, right? :P

I went in one of the back rooms to get something, or check something, and came back out (without any...pants...on...ah! no one noticed though, luckily *whew* lol). There were these two Japanese girls there and they wanted to know if we had any winter hats. Apparently, they hadn't brought any winter gear with them to Alaska. Also, just as a side note, we were having a garage sale - not starting a business. If we didn't have any hats out there for sale, then go somewhere else! But whatever.

I say, "Sure," and go into another back room and pull out a box that has my hats in it (I love my hats, by the way) and another, larger box that has all of Lydy's hats and gloves and stuff in it (the Lydy family goes to our church and I'm good friends with them). As I open it up, Joel Lydy (who is younger than me) comes up and is like, "You can't take that one, because it's so-and-so's..." and so we go through all of them and make sure to leave all of the hats that belong to someone in the box. I thank him, profusely, and give him a high-five because it would have been a disaster to sell all of their hats AND their cousins (their cousins live in TN, so I'm not sure why they left their hats with us...in Alaska...hm).

I take out the chosen hats and let the Japanese girls sort through them and pick the ones they want. Then I go off and start helping with other areas of the garage sale. My mom, who is taking care of the money, etc., starts bagging up the Japanese girls' stuff, and I'm suddenly filled with the most urgent fear that she is going to give my hats away FOR FREE instead of making them pay for them! So this whole spiel of how I'm only going to charge them fifty cents or a dollar each for the hats gets thrown down the drain and I'm pretty upset.

I don't know if she ever charged them for the hats or not. That's kind of when my dream morphed into a new one, one I can't really remember...

I'm still sick and suddenly very excited about reading Les Mis (which I have not read yet) because a certain friend of mine keeps talking about it on her blog. I'm also getting more and more enthusiastic about photography, playing piano (so I can have something beautiful to play on the amazing grand piano at a certain ball I'm going to in March...), writing, and snowboarding (which I miss dearly since it's been a week from last time I went, and also because I fear the season is ending soon).

Au revoir!
[reminds herself to go, NOW, and practice her French ;)]

If Only There Was a Word that Summed Up This Post...

Since other people can get away with writing a blog post about virtually nothing, but at the same time about everything, and still come out with something entertaining, I'm going to attempt to sprawl my random thoughts across the "page" without corralling them into sense:)

[And now I feel like Paul, who has those long-winded sentences that never seem to end. It makes reading aloud very...breathtaking :P]

I actually ENJOYED drinking tea today!! I rarely drink tea and when I do, more often than not it's iced instead of hot. But I'm a bit sick-ish today (meaning I don't have the flu...yet), so I made some tea that's especially for sick-ish people. I really enjoyed sipping away at my mug of hot tea. I felt as if I were being healthy, for once, versus when I drink coffee and think of how many spoonfuls of sugar I dumped into it ;) But this tea-revelation could have been ignited by the fact that I was reading J.R.R. Tolkien, and you have to be drinking tea to appreciate good literature. I am now convinced. haha.

The snow and ice were gorgeously inviting today. Not to mention the sunshine lighting up a pretty blue sky! But I'm currently frustrated with my camera, so it stayed stuffed up in my room, being punished. I felt like I was the one being punished, though. Stupid half-cold forced me to come inside before I was ready.

Now that we're past these trivial trivialities, can I just say that tonight I'm going to WRITE? Well, technically, I'm going to edit, which is an entirely different thing, but there will be some writing involved, trust me. I haven't made any serious progress with any of my novels lately. Poor, neglected adventures!

Tonight it's all about my nano creation, though. Hence the editing. Even though I only wrote it a few months ago, it seems like forever since the idea hit me! The characters also seem very childish (although the plot is not). But I want to like my characters *sniff*.

Yet my author aspirations are lying dormant while I write a blog post. It seemed important. now I've watched the clouds scudding across the sky outside my window, I've watched the sky grow dark as the sun sets, and I realize that time is moving on. It's passing me by. Since time is one thing that can never quite be caught, I'd best hit "publish" and leave it at that. And go write. Right now. Write right now. Hee hee.

Au revoir!
[Which reminds me that I haven't worked on my French much lately. Oops.]

Still Here

Da da da daaaa!

That was equivalent to me saying, "I have so much to say, so much to do, but all I want to do is sleep or run around like a lunatic in the fresh-falling snow!"

I am completely exhausted right now. I just can't seem to catch up with myself. So much to do, so much to learn, so much to figure out...

Anyway, I've been at a loss for words of late, which is why I haven't been posting. So sorry =( I'll post something longer and (hopefully) more useful tomorrow, right after a much-needed nap. I just wanted to throw something small in here so you know I didn't forget about the blog! ha! never.

God is doing a work in me. I can feel it. I just...don't know what it is yet ;)