A Little Story for Big Thoughts

I just jotted something down this week. It stemmed from listening to a song called "Boy With A Coin" by Iron and Wine.

Here is the story, my friends. Please by all means comment. I need to get back into writing (I have been neglecting it, let me tell you) and feedback - critical or otherwise - helps me keep going. I don't want to leave words behind in the snowdust of snowboarding on a mountain...

Boy With A Coin

    If he'd found it on the street, that would make sense. If someone had handed it to him from a generous pocket, the situation would seem much more plausible. But as it was (or rather, is) the boy seems a bit thoughtless. Careless. Confused.

     His name is Benjamin. I tell you this not because it is important, but because I want you to see him as you would a friend, acquaintance. Someone who's face and name you know and care about, if only because he seems to genuine and innocent to let anything bad happen to him.

     Benjamin worked hard. Every day there was some new job for him to do. In a world where little boys had nothing to their name, his was the life of a drifter. From shop to shop he begged for work, scrounging a living. No one begrudged him this life, though; he worked as hard as any of the grown men. Daily he earned more than food. He earned respect.

    It was on one of his odd jobs that he tripped on a loose cobblestone and unearthed a large coin. At first he could hardly believe it. It covered the whole palm of his hand.

    It was not a penny or a dime or any other such worthless piece of metal. No, this was a day and age when metal in your pocket meant more than any piece of paper crumpled in your wallet. This coin could have bought a weeks' worth of meals – in the boy's case, many more than that, as he usually existed upon bread crusts. He could have done most anything with this treasure.

    The world opens to your hand when you have money. That's the way it works. We all know this.

    Maybe the boy knew, and did not understand.

     He crammed it into his pocket and left it there. His face was aglow but his heart could only stare. True dreams are not of money (though they may be of wealth); true dreams are of beautiful things. Of adventure and love and desire and ambition and achievement of great things. Dreams take us away when our feet are shackled to the floor.

     He walked and walked till he reached the pier. There the sea breeze lifted the hair from his forehead and tore some of the stench from his grimy clothes. The world seemed to open before him. The see filled his vision, the horizon seemed closer than before, music sprang up in his ears. Without looking at it, he pulled the coin from his pocket and rubbed it smooth and clean.

    He held it up above his head, watching the last rays of sunlight catch the gold color and turn it brilliantly orange and yellow.

    What was he to do with it?

He tossed it into the sea.

    And then he wished.

    His eyes were wide open and the sunset over the ocean reflected brilliantly in them. His fists were clenched. His heart was throbbing with the idea of his dream being realized. That was all he needed to do. He turned and walked away.

*

     A sailor watched from the edge of his master's ship. His eyes drew together, then widened, as the scene played out before him. As soon as the boy's back was turned he ran, eyes fixed on the tiny ripples in the water where the coin had sunk. Money was tight, and not only for poor little orphan boys. He leapt out over the water and at the last second curled his body into a dive, fingers outstretched for the prize.

    Later, the papers reported a drowning. No one ever knew that it was the sailor's feeble graspings for treasure had brought him to his death.

*

    I cannot tell you what the boy wished for. Then it will not come true, you know. He never told me (though I guessed and I am sure that I am right). All I can say is that his wish does not involve anything that we have mentioned already.

   What if he had saved the coin? He could certainly have made great progress towards his wish. Perhaps even achieved it wholly.

   What if he had shared the coin with another, and brightened their day? He could have brought joy and eased someone's hunger, supposedly. He could have even given it to the sailor and saved that man's reckless life.

   But he didn't do those things. Instead he wished big and he wished wholly. Everything in him wanted this to come true. And it didn't matter that he was throwing away his livelihood. He was gaining life. Life such as he wasn't sure he could get.

   But it was worth throwing all away to wish for it.

     Just a boy with a coin. And then a boy without a coin. And does it all matter? That all depends on whether you wish you had the coin or not. Or whether you think you know what he wished for. 

Tell me: what one wish is worth wishing with everything you own? Wishing beyond what you could ever hope to gain?

Tell me, please. Tell me what this story means.  

Waves at My Feet

Rocking the boat.
Swimming upstream.
Going against the current.
Treading water.
Riding into a storm.

Oh, to be like You

Give all I have just to know You...

Every morning, there is something new. Another thought, another plan, another trouble...another wave crashing against my shore, pulling at my feet, drawing more grains of sand into the depths where I cannot see.

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to

I will follow You.

 I will follow You. 

I will follow You.

I've always loved the ocean. The sound is my therapy. The smell is intoxicating. I love standing with my toes at the edge of the line where sand and water meet, where foam collects and shells clump together, and I just let the waves lick gently at my toes. I love being on that edge. It is exhilarating for me to be at that point where you are half in and half out.

I feel the same at the edge of a cliff.

I feel the same as I stand at the cornice of a mountain.

I feel the same when I am starting anything new, teetering on the point of just-arrived and being thrown into I-live-here-now.

Who wouldn't want to stand there forever? Digging the view and knowing that you made it to that point, but never having to go any further?

But you're supposed to jump. That's how it works.

I have never jumped.

i have never jumped. 

God has recently convicted me of this sad truth: I have never, ever put myself (heart, soul, mind, and body) WHOLEHEARTEDLY into anything. I don't really know how to. I am not a person that is truly passionate. There are things I like, things that I care about. Yet I don't know how to sacrifice for those things. I don't know how to improve because I can't seem to get past a shallow understanding. Music, snowboarding, writing, reading, art, blogging, cooking...any number of things in my life that I love. 

I have labeled it many things. I go with the flow. I'm a dabbler. I have a split personality (not really. but kinda, yes). I know how to be a peacemaker (because I play both sides). I just have a lot of excuses for only going halfway through life. 

I went repelling. In case you don't know, that's where you are in a small harness and you're holding a rope and you "walk" (I use the term lightly, since in my opinion walking usually happens on horizontal, stable surfaces) - yeah, you walk straight off the edge of a rock/cliff...backwards. I know I'm using a lot of emphasis right now but I don't think it's too much because seriously. Walking backwards off a cliff is terrifying. Even if it's a small one. There's something in my brain that says, "This is a bad idea," and something in my stomach that goes, "I'm done for." It's why roller coasters still get us and thrill seekers exist. Our bodies crave and fear this insanity. 

Turn my eyes to see Your face

As all my fears surrender

Then I went to the top, basically, of a mountain. Not as high as you can go, but as high as I had ever gone before. And I stood there and looked around and went, "I'm at the edge of the world, and I'm about to jump off." Me and my snowboard leapt off the edge and tumbled into powder. It was amazing.

God's showing me something about waves in the ocean. Precipices unawares. Free-falling. He's telling me that, yes, it's okay to be still sometimes. But I need to be ready. Because at any moment, He could tell me to jump.

I normally make New Years' Resolutions. Every single year. It's one of my favorite things to do: curl up with my journal and look at the past year and scribble away all my new dreams. I make lists and plans and I basically decide to change my life. Does it ever really make a difference? If I'm being honest, no. But I like to do it anyway.

This year, I didn't do that. Something in me was just done pretending that I can change me without help. I don't need more lists to become the person I should be.

I need God.

I need Him.

So instead of a page full of resolutions, I just offered up a single, simple prayer: God, I'm ready. I'm all in. 

That's all I could say before I was choked with emotion. What if...oh, there are so many things He could ask of me. I am afraid. Afraid to live for Him and Him only.

But I want it.

I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son

No matter where He takes me.

Songs referenced:
Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair
Oceans by Hillsong United
Scandal of Grace by Hillsong United
Love is War by Hillsong United

hiding

There are days when I just want to stand under the hot water of the shower for hours, hiding on the other side of the crappy yellow shower curtain, not speaking to anyone all day.

There are nights when I can't fall asleep because I am too full of thoughts...and whispered voices that draw me in. That moment where reality and fantasy no longer have boundaries and they fuse together snowflakes melting on my breath.

I don't know why. I don't have an explanation for the moments when I just want to burst into tears. I don't have an answer for the questions I ask myself.

Ah, but here is the tricky thing: I know the answers.

But sometimes I don't believe them.

Darkness falls and stars shine brightly for all to see. Everything closes in on me and I become someone - something - else. I can be anyone...and I can be nothing.

Do you ever just want to sit and stare at the world for a while? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe you've been moving to much, and it's time you stopped? Do you ever wish you could step out of your own skin for just a moment and wander in the world doing nothing but seeing and breathing?

Remember. That's a big word for me lately.

Remember who God is. Remember that the best is yet to come. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

Remember that I don't have to know that answers to survive.

God is good. 
Therefore, it is well with my soul.

[yournamehere]

Names. We all have one. One that our parents gave us. One that we get just by having parents. Nicknames that follow us around. Names we wish people would forget were associated with us. Words that aren't even names, but ones that somehow seem to stick to us, things like hard-working, drop-dead gorgeous, lazy, a party-er, flirtatious, quiet, and a million others adjectives both good and bad. We judge others by their names and then we add more names to them.

Basically, the whole world is constantly identifying others while at the same time seeking to proclaim their own identity. Every single person in the world has an identity. Is it self-made, or just a picture that others have painted for you?

IDENTITY.

We tend to figure out our identity in a very backward way. The things we wear, the way we look, our bodies and our expressions and our physical traits...these things paint a picture of us. But that is entirely opposite of how identity is really determined.

Our identity is determined by who we are on the inside. This body is flesh, and flesh only. Made from the dust of the earth. Polished with some soap and a dash of brightly colored fabrics. That identity bleeds into our physical appearance in little ways.

But these bodies that we live in? They are passing shadows, faint glimmers of beauty, fragile as a dandelion gone to seed.

Photo found on Google images

Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that. My flesh is so strong. Its desires pull at me, jerking me back and forth all over the board. I listen to my flesh because...I think that it is me. I think that my blond hair and grey/blue/green eyes are mine. I think that my skinny little body is all mine to own and keep forever. I even kind of like my feet (don't tell anyone). 

For me to say "no" to my body -- when it's hungry or thirsty, tired or fidgety, weak or strong -- seems like a preposterous idea. Why would I even want to do that? 

I am asking God to show me the difference. The difference between me (my soul) and my body (the fleshly cage in which I live). 

I watched The Host for the first time tonight. I read the book a few months ago and it blew me away with its intense insight into the battle between soul and body. I posted about it here.

From The Host; picture from Pinterest

The movie was, of course, not nearly as good as the book. (I'm pretty sure that that's my favorite line. Get used to hearing it.)

But again, I was struck by the way souls and bodies were shown as completely separate concepts. Which, they are! How crazy is it that I know this to be true and yet I don't live it as truth. I don't act like I believe it.

From The Host; picture from Pinterest

The world is beautiful and there is magic in it. But the bigger magic is found within us. God chose to make us "in His image" -- we are a miracle fashioned by His very words to be like Him.

And then He did something even crazier. He died so that we might die to our flesh in Him. That our souls might have power over our flesh. And that He might take His Spirit (the very Spirit of God!) and anoint us with Him, as a present. We have the Holy Spirit living within.

My flesh fights this Spirit with its whole being.

It is a war of the very deepest kind.

"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts." ~Romans 13:14

"Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." ~ Romans 5:16-17

A Dance

Okay, let's start off by saying I'm not really okay at the moment. I'm frustrated and tired and confused pretty much every day, and I pray myself to sleep at night and I have to pray myself awake in the morning (which...is totally a good thing. But it's hard, too).

I really feel fine most of the time. But I'm very unsettled underneath. And the tunes that I have been singing keep ringing in my ears because the lyrics explain how I feel. For reals.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Relient K, For the Moments I Feel Faint

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then - but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now; the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

Ellie Goulding, Lights

I can't be losing sleep over this
No, I can't
And I cannot stop pacing

Give me a few hours
And I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

'cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between 

So with this being not okay stuff, when I go to social events, I am only partially engaged. But I go. Because I end up having fun. 

Wednesday night, I went with swing dancing with some friends. Cool, right? Very. Especially since it was my first time. However, I have a heck of a lot of trouble accepting dances from people. A) I'm shy, B) I'm not that great of a  dancer, and C) some guys can be awkward dancers, and it's already awkward for me with a stranger, so...

I spent a lot of time watching the dancers. Some smooth, some not. Some talented and focused, others just goofing off. Two things I noticed.

Dancing is all about confidence.
If you move in all confidence, everyone will think that whatever you are doing is what you're supposed to be doing. It's a free-for-all -- you don't have to be all-knowledgeable. 

Dancing is a beautiful picture of God's relationship with us.

When the girl tries to lead during the dance, nothing works right. Everything gets messed up and confused. It's so easy, being the girl, to start to watch the guy's feet and try to figure out each move for yourself. Following seems really hard. 

But if you follow the guy completely, you realize that the girl has the easiest and most fun role of all. She doesn't have to create the moves or communicate a new move to the other person. She just has to pay attention and go with the flow. She gets to have the fun, without all the pressure. C'est perfe!

So why do we girls try to take control? Why can't we see that that's a worse road to take? 

Interesting, how that's all God's asking of us: to follow Him and enjoy the ride. Just listen to the music, move to the beat, and react to what He's telling you. 

sorrowful epiphany...of sorts

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think about how teeny little events can cause so much change. I forgot what I’ve learned many times before – that we’re always changing, that everything in our lives leaves its mark, slowly molding us into who we will be in our futures. Who God wants us to be.

Our perspectives, which determine the way we react to our world, are like windows. Stained glass windows. We start out clear and fresh, open-minded. Everything is new. Then things start to change. Colored pane after colored pane slides over the old ones, each pane a different color: tinted lavender, bright yellow, nostalgic gold. The old ones are still there, but the new ones change the old a little. Our understanding gets deeper the more things we learn, the more experiences we have; it changes with the friends we make, the paths we choose…and the colored glass panes we add to our

Perspective.

Like those glasses from National Treasure. With each color, something new is read on the map.


I got a deep red pane of glass added to my ever-changing window today.
So I got ready to go to school this morning, right? I made myself some hot chocolate for the trip, and hopped in my car. I was thinking about homework, music, warm hoodies, the fact that I needed to get gas…and I think there were some friendship thoughts circling around upstairs. I’d only been driving for about three minutes when, out of absolutely nowhere, there’s a white flash right where my car is going to be in the next second and I don’t have time to react.

Thump-thump.

It’s that heart-wrenching sound that makes you say, “That didn’t just happen.” It makes you hope that you ran over a piece of trash, a cardboard box, even a nail – but you didn’t. You hit something alive.
I hit a small, white, furry dog. He’s dead.
Needless to say, I freaked. First thoughts: “God, tell me there’s a reason for this.”

I was shaking a little and hyperventilating, totally unsure what to do but knowing in my subconscious that I had to get to class. So I keep driving (my eyes combing the sides of the road for any other furry pets that might be out) and as I’m driving I keep praying and almost crying and talking to my car. “Luna,” (that’s the name of my car) “how could you? I thought you loved animals!” *teeny sob* “I know, you didn’t see him either, you’re probably heartbroken, you hit him, I was only driving…”

You don’t want to hear any more. Believe me.

I kept skipping through songs on my iPod, knowing that I couldn’t listen to this crap anymore, but needing desperately the perfect song. “This Man” by Jeremy Camp came on, and I paused.

Jeremy Camp - This Man

I don’t know why, actually. I’ve been in an anti-Jeremy-Camp-and-Third-Day-and-Building429 mood for months now. But it didn’t take me long to realize what part of the reason for me hitting that poor dog was: I needed another level of glass to see through.

Suffering.

Almost immediately after hitting the dog, I could feel tears prickling my eyes. How many times have I cried over Jesus’ death on the cross for me? How many times have I been devastated by the tolls of human lives lost when I hear it on the news?

Why is it that when an innocent animal, or a sitcom love interest (*cough* ninelivesofchloeking *cough*), dies “tragically” (and it is tragic!), we get all heartbroken, but we never worry about the tragedy of human life?

God gave the command, turned His wrath on His Son, and watched as He died. I’ve heard it so many times and it doesn’t hit me. He died. In front of people. With blood trickling down his hands and feet, and out of his side.

So the blood-red perspective I have is a new pane of red glass over my eyes. To see everything in the light of Christ, and Him crucified, and the old me crucified with Him. To realize that God loves every person and creature that dies or will die.

It hurts to realize that most of the time, I just don't care.

thinking out loud

Pretty much every time I write, I’m putting thoughts into words…thoughts that I never knew existed. I’m thinking through each concept as I type. I don’t state my opinions and leave the page open for someone to read it. I tuck the paper on my lap and hide it from view as I scribble word after word after word…

Just thinking out loud on paper.

And today, while listening to the sermon in church today, I realized that David wrote the Psalms in the same way. Ever noticed how despairing and depressed most of them are – and yet lines of hope and trust in God seem to be almost thrown in? David was thinking through things, realizing God’s point of view as he wrote.

But they weren’t just words. Not inward journaling, not kingly records, not a blog post for the world to see.

They were prayers to God.

David was crying out his pain and anger and frustrations to God in a written prayer and as he did so he began to understand the way God was looking at his problems.

Wow. That really excited me. That’s how things happen to me a lot. That’s how I begin to understand something that seemed much too complicated before. I have something in common with David! The same David who killed Goliath, who kept believing even after he was separated from his best friend, was attacked and chased by King Saul; even after he messed up big-time and murdered Uriah just to have his wife…

Obviously, it’s not the amount or the enormity of our mistakes.

We can still be close to God. We can still rest in the light of His plan for our future, no matter how hopeless it all seems.

So even if no one ever reads this blog…even if it never reaches anyone beyond my little circle of friends…I can live with that. Cause it’s God who’s listening. I’m only thinking out loud, after all.

Waiting for His words to shine through mine. Waiting for the brokenness to come, so that His life can make me whole again.

rain

Raindrops hit my umbrella. Drip, drip. They cascade around me. My feet grow cold and wet. But I love it, this feeling. Cold. Tears. Hopelessness. Why is it that the dark, the gray, the silent, the melancholy beauty – why is it that all of this makes me feel the most happy? The most…free?

The sound of rain is the most beautiful, heartbroken sound in the world.

The sky is crying.

I wish it would cry more often. Maybe then I’d feel okay to join in. A few tears seem to relieve the pressure, the fear, the exhaustion of going on and on without rest. [This isn’t masochistic at all, I promise…]


Rain

Rain
You are beautiful to me
Sunshine
You will never be able to see
The depths of despair

Raindrops
Hitting me cold and true
What happiness have I ever felt
Without first feeling you?

Rain
Don’t go away
Sunshine
You’ve ruined my day
But I love you both

Entwined together, this I see
A braided rope of harmony
Rain and sunlight always know
That together they make a rainbow
We only have to take the time
To live through the painful rhyme
And come out on the other side
Enjoying the quiet joy that hides
In rain.

~ Caitlin

My Sneaking Tears

How heavy fell the rain that day
From burdened clouds of mournful grey.
The torrent forced them stay their height -
Composure swayed by onerous might.

My skin wrung wet with icy chill
As mud embraced that sodden hill.
But mind of mine had elsewhere gone -
'Twas clouds abandoned I was on.

The driving drops advanced their gears
To camouflage my sneaking tears -
Whence now did swell such floods of pain
To see me melt into this rain…

On equal bearing now were we:
This rain; myself, in harmony.

~ Mark R. Slaughter (found on poemhunter.com)

Impossible

Being a follower of Jesus, I've often tried to convince myself that the word "impossible" doesn't exist. [It does, of course, but the boundaries that rule this world don't rule God.] Because of this verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) I "have God" and so I can use His power to do anything, nothing will stop me.

Yes...and no.


I think we've got this a little twisted. Flip the verse around and reapply the meaning, and you come up with something like Matthew 19:26: "But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'"

It's not us using God. It always starts with God. Nothing is impossible for God. He shows us this by getting us through things, giving us things...and using us to do impossible things. We don't do them - God does.

Are you feeling any awe here? I am. Standing before God...I can't even imagine it. And sometimes I forget that. I forget who God really is. Just how big and holy he is. Nothing I've ever wanted or dreamed of can compare with Him.

"If you have been in the presence of the Almighty God, everything that once controlled you suddenly has less power." This quote is from a book I'm reading, When People are BIG and God is Small. It's about overcoming "fear of man" - aka insecurity, self-consciousness, peer pressure...etc. The solution? Focusing on who God is instead of on who you are.

It's an interesting concept.

Right now, I'm just enjoying searching the Word to discover God. I want to be in awe of Him and to delight in just being His daughter...His servant...



A light for Him in this world, burning with passion.

Dynamic Short People

The title was designed to get your attention (yeah, I'm guilty of the salesmanship plot...) and it might be a bit off-track, but this does have to do with small people -- who are either small in stature or small inside.

If you're like me at all (not very probable), you want to understand small people. Those people who seem too small to have made it into the spotlight, too unimportant to have influenced history. When I read a book, sometimes I find myself wondering about those in-between characters. What would happen if I took time to devote an entire novel to a lesser character...say the White Witch's dwarf-servant, or Pippin in Lord of the Rings, or Tinkerbell in Peter Pan?

There's always a deeper level to delve into.

I went to see The Return of the King in theaters last night. I know, it came out years ago, but they were having a special showing of the extended edition for just one night, one time...It was amazing:) LOTR has always held a special place in my heart. And the last one is just so beautiful and sad (*tears up just thinking about it*). I didn't actually cry, though, because SOMEONE kept laughing (*cough* Ruthie *cough* Alex), and consequently I laughed.

J.R.R. Tolkien's story seems to have so many, hm, similarities to our world. It reveals so many lessons and heartfelt truths (C.S. Lewis is also very good at that). But there is one lesson in particular that keeps coming to me over and over and over again.

[Here's where we get to the "short people" ;)]

The small, imperfect, weak, and simple-minded people can sometimes make the greatest changes in the world.

Obviously, I'm referring to the hobbits. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and, last but not even close to least, Frodo. Four hobbits who are half the size of everybody else and yet they choose to keep taking small steps forward and fight for their world - not in pursuit of glory and fame, but just because they believe it's right. The other, "wiser" characters are not dumped in the mud by any means; they still play their large and awesome parts. But it's just the fact that the little people can and do make a difference.

It's the best story in the world.

Probably because I feel like one of the lesser characters in my own story ;)

Which brings me to the connection with our world. I Corinthians 26-29:

"For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence."

There you have it. God wants to take our measly little selves and turn us into amazing people for Him! Not that we should stop trying to be better...but that we are content with who God made us. Whether you be Elf, Dwarf, Man, Woman, Hobbit, Orc (preferably not..), or Smeagol.

Never you forget that Smeagol had a part to play in the end! And only once he was cast into the molten lava of Mount Doom (spectacular name, btw) did he finally lose his chance for redemption...

Upside Down

Life has a way of turning things upside down...and making you wonder how you ever managed to live right side up:)

That's my thought tonight. It's like all those stars I was talking about yesterday (see older post) just lit up my sky and I could finally catch a little glimpse of God's plan. Well, not His plan (I never seem to see that part rawr), but just what He's doing with my life right now.

The future remains a mystery.

So I was thinking - last night when I couldn't get to sleep, and today, when I was trying not to think :P - about my life and who I picture myself as. I've always kind of been a Tigger person. Personality-wise, and admiring-wise. But I was wondering...

What if all along I thought I was Tigger, but I've really been Eeyore the whole time?

It was quite an epiphany.

I'm reading the Inkheart trilogy (again) right now, and it's making me think about everything in story terms. Fiction. Books. Making my story. And wondering which character I am in the Story of Life. And it's making me sooo glad to realize that, unlike most fictional stories, I can change roles. I can go from being the bad guy (er, girl) to being on the side of the heroes. I can switch from the shy, low self esteem girl to being bold and courageous.

I can change.

It's making me really happy. It's also making me ask myself a few hard questions: what is it I really want? And if I really want something, what will I do to get it? God should be my greatest treasure. If I want Him above all else, I need to go and get Him.

Anyway, He's turned my life upside down and I'm slightly ruffled and freaked out but isn't that the best part of the roller coaster anyway? Looking back and saying, "Wow, I just about peed my pants...But gee, let's do it again! I know exactly where I'm going now." :)

Hyper Stars

Heyyyy:) I'm here again! Ta da!!

I AM HYPER!!! :D :D :D

...Why, you may ask? Because I'm about to dive into a bowl of peanut butter cup ice cream AND it's after eight-thirty (nighttime, you know) AND I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thus, hyperness.

Great, huh?

I also have one very good reason to NOT be hyper/happy -- which I am very avidly ignoring. I don't want to be depressed and confused anymore. (Well, the confused part I won't be getting away from anytime soon.) I'm ready to look through the darkness and gaze at the stars.

Enjoy those little moments that sparkle like stars in my night sky. Some of them like shooting stars that I try to hold but they fade anyway...And others that glitter on, tucked away in my mind forever, where I can flip through them and just remember <3

But the best ones are the ones I'm living now. The ones where I'm riding the roller coaster and screaming as I shoot around faster than any shooting star. The ones that make me giggle because everything is funny. When all I can taste is something delicious on my tongue. All I can feel is the peaceful, cool grass on my toes...or the well-worn pages of my favorite book...or the bliss at being me, right where I am, in this world.

Maybe these moments are occurring less and less. But isn't it my fault if the little things are meaning less, and I'm focusing instead on heading for the big ones - the big ones that never come?? Yup. MY fault.

So, here's to enjoying the stars...even when clouds fill my sky with shadows <3

I AM NUMBER FOUR

I just got back from watching I AM NUMBER FOUR at the theater. It wasn’t quite what I expected (at first, the whole alien thing upset me – I’m not a big fan of alien-related stories *groans*). But I like surprises. And the characters in this movie were very…eh, enviable to me.

Yeah. Not going to go into that right now.

But one thing that really came across in that movie is the whole feeling of other-worldliness. It’s a prevalent theme in media today. Supernatural, paranormal, inhuman, mythical, alien – all words that describe this feeling inside that we need something outside of our “normal, ordinary lives.”

We all want to be something…more…than what we are. It’s a part of who we are. To remedy this desire, we search for the things in nature that seem to be beyond us – or at least beyond our words – things that are outside of our control. Inversely, we sometimes go the opposite direction and do everything humanly possible to be in control: we up our speed, strength, talents, intelligence, and reflexes till we seem invincible.

But we’re not.

So for those of us who are lazy and don’t know how to achieve this supernatural-ness, we watch great movies and read awesome books that allow us, for a few hours, to become supernatural. We can fly, we can understand our friends completely, we can rise above all obstacles, we can shoot rays of light from our fingers or pull fantastical stunts or see the future or become fireproof. It’s quite the experience.

For me, there’s a slightly deeper desire…beyond the yearning for impossible beauty or strength or intuition…it’s a desire to be my own person. Those characters are so well-crafted that you don’t just see their faces and their clothes; you see their persona. They have a little life that’s completely unique to themselves. And I’ve never really had that.

I’m more of a mixture of things. I don’t stick with the same thing for very long – I like to bounce around and dabble in – well – everything. (cough.) My most defining characteristic is that I laugh easily and loudly. Seriously.

So the girl in I AM NUMBER FOUR was so spectacular to me. She was ordinary (in a way) but she had this image. Her image was a photographer.

Her room was plastered with photos, her decorations were photographs, cameras, and film. She carried a camera everywhere, snapping photos every ten seconds or so. She had a blog/website full of interesting pictures. That camera was what she put her life into.

She did other things besides take pictures, she still paid attention to how she dressed, and she had a family life. But that camera was so her. I loved that.


Anyway, I’m not trying to knock myself, cause I hate it when people do that. (Okay, maybe I was a little, but it’s okay to feel slightly insignificant when you find someone that you think is a role model, okay? :P) I just really want the spectacular right now. I want to be…known for who I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not really, entirely, truly myself.

And that sounds completely ridiculous. Sigh.

But that yearning we all have is because of the void of God. He’s the supernatural we all need and want! He’s the defining force that gives us our identity. Fame, money, pleasure, material possessions, fashion, college degree – none of that really defines us. I mean, who are we, but God’s creation? What do we have that He hasn’t given to us?

So right now I’m longing to “create” myself anew and become what I think is a cool person (huh, sounds fun, doesn’t it?). Yet I think to what the Bible says…what we are through Jesus’ death on the cross…we are all new creations. Born again. Washed clean. Ready to start over.

This life that I want so much to create…He’s trying to create it for me. But I keep getting in the way. Buying a camera isn’t going to set the stage for an amazing life. But following Him is.

_Caitlin_

Ice

Isn't it interesting how something can be so harmful and troublesome and yet...so beautiful? When the sun hits the ice just right, you can almost see a rainbow shimmering inside the frozen H2O.

But I hate it because it stops me from going places. It annoys me because then I have to scrape it off of the car and I have to add more layers to my winter attire.

Another side to ice is that it provides another medium for experimentation. I love how, almost immediately, guys start sliding on the ice, trying out tricks and spins (more often than not while driving! lol). They see the adventure in it.

Three different views on ice. Three opinions. And the only difference between them is perspective. Where is your "starting point"? When people look at the world, they see everything with their own eyes. I know that sounds very obvious (like, duh, Caitlin), but it's not. Because if we try to see things from someone else's point of view, we find that our world looks completely different.

Kutless has a great song about this, called "Perspectives." They point out that our problems, our issues with life, could be changed by just a mere switch of perspective. For example, when we get stuck in rush hour traffic on the way to some important event, we get upset. Maybe even irate. But think about people in third-world countries; they'd be happy by just getting a good meal, let alone a car or expensive clothes.

For us Christians, we are called to look at the world through God's eyes. To live our lives doing everything that we do for His glory. This also translates into being people who love others enough to try to see the world through their eyes.

Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I was upset, confused, and frustrated by one thing (I won't go into detail right now) that has been troubling me for some time, and yesterday it just really got to me. I immediately pushed everyone away, even God, and just focused on being, well, depressed. I tried to hide it at the same time in which I was indulging it.

Today I've been able to break free from that and praise God for having life. And it's funny because today, I realize that that "thorn in the flesh" isn't as bad as I think it is. Sure, it hurts, but pain is only momentary and it produces hope and perseverance (Romans 5:3-4). I still have life to live. And I don't want to regret wasting one single moment.

Perspective: a way of regarding situations; the proper/accurate point of view or the ability to see it.

Have you ever had a day like that where things are suddenly turned around because of a change in perspective?

[and, this post really is not about ice, I guess :P]