Adventures Never Cease

It's been a little while since I've written. It's like I've been too busy living or something to write. Funny how that works.

This adventure is almost over. I only have TWO WEEKS left in this beautiful place nestled between the mountains. Fourteen days of snow and mountain peaks and "seasonal friends" (I didn't even know that this was a thing until now) and snowboarding and rooming with my bestie and dorm life and teaching little rugrats how to enjoy the snow.

Only a little while longer existing in this place.

Only a little more time with these people who have become part of my life. And I may not see any of them again. Ever.

It's scary how fragile and fast life is. How much time I spend wishing things were different or stressing about how they are...when time is spinning me out of control and I can't hold on. I need more reminders of how important every second is.

My heart is full. I am incredibly sad to go. And yet I can also imagine the relief I will feel as I pack up the life I have here and return home, to familiar faces and places. My cozy attic-like bedroom. The green grass, abundant rainfall, and chirping birds of an Ohio spring. The goofiness and chaos and love that is my family. The friends that I've been horrible at communicating with while I've been here.

This winter season has represented a lot of firsts for me. First time in a dorm (college life without the homework, check). First tattoo (...yeah, I did it). First boyfriend (sheesh how that word still sends shivers up my spine; I have never liked how that word seems to throw one's perception of life out the window). The awe I feel every time I look around me at the mountains. The crazy fear as I launched myself off of a jump I wasn't ready for. The giddy joy I felt in shredding through fresh powder.

Sunburn and heartache and burning desire and dreams come true and snowflakes everywhere and a God who meets me in all of these places.

As I'm struggling with saying goodbye, this verse keeps popping out at me, reminding me that it is time to move forward.

"Don't remember the former things, and don't consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. It springs out now. Don't you know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19 

I'm gonna need those paths in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. After my short hiatus in Arizona, Virginia, and Ohio, I'll have to kiss vacation goodbye and jump into a job that I honestly don't feel qualified for.

This summer, starting in May, I'm going to be an Adventure Counselor at Lutheran Valley Retreat. It's a camp in the wilderness near Colorado Springs. And trust me, it will be all about God's beautiful creation. I'll be helping lead backpacking trips mostly, so lots of camping and hiking. Plus rock climbing (real rocks, real mountains - none of that wall climbing stuff) and ropes courses and horses and archery and...sorry, but it has been a lot for me to take in, too.

I won't have cell phone service. I may or may not have internet on the weekends. Feel free to reach me with snail mail, guys, cause otherwise you won't be hearing from me!

It's going to be the weirdest combination of full-on introvert time in the wilderness and constant, Caitlin-stretching time with kids and counselors alike.

Yep. I'm just trading this winter adventure for an even crazier summer one. And this time I won't have my amazing bestie Lauren to keep me sane.

I'm going it alone.

Thank you, God, for never leaving me. For sticking around so that even when I'm walking a lonely path, You're there promising me I'm never really alone. And for always teaching me the best and hardest lessons.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. 
I shall not. 
I will not.
I will follow where You lead. 

 

No High like the Most High

Let's face it, we all get high. We all have our things that make us deliriously happy or pleased or relaxed. Maybe it's our favorite TV show that we just have to curl up and watch alone. Maybe it's a beer at the end of a hard day's work. Maybe it's Pinterest. Or chocolate. Driving fast.

For me, it's food. I let food get the better of me nearly every two hours. Novels are another thing that rock my world.

My point is, we get all up in the faces of people on drugs, but coffee is pretty darn addictive, too, and so is everything else on the planet. We humans like being consumed by things. We naturally become addicted. Think about it: anything can become an addiction.

It's interesting to think about this, when everyone around me is spending their free time getting drunk or *ahem* high on marijuana. Definitely something I'm not used to dealing with/being around.

How am I supposed to act? React?

Honestly, God tells us to love. God tells us not to judge. [He also says pretty clearly that getting drunk is sinful.] But we're all sinners. I'm a sinner. And I shouldn't look down on the people here because they happen to smoke weed. I'm not any better than they are if I don't smoke weed.

Although, let's be honest here, I'd like to think that I am.  

I'm not condoning drugs by any means. All I'm asking is that we take a step back and look at the whole picture. What did Jesus do when He was on earth? He spent time with the lowest people on earth, spent time loving them.

And me? I can choose to get on high on the Most High, my Father. 

Just thoughts. What do you think about all of this?

What's weird is that I am in this cool place. This place that is beyond my former imaginings and strikes me speechless. It's perfect in so many ways, and imperfect in a million others, and I can't get over the feeling that...it's my home.

But amidst those feelings of joy and beauty and awe, I am prickled with discontent. Jealousy. Disappointment. Inadequacy. None of which are coming from God. Yet I listen to these voices as if they are my own, and I agree with them.

Let me tell you something. I live at the foot of a real live mountain (more than one, actually). I live in a college-dorm-style room with one of my bestest friends in the world, and she makes me laugh every day of my life. I get to shred in powdery snow for fun and as a job. I meet new people every day and I spend a few hours enjoying sunshine on my face. 

This place is amazing. I have no reason to complain. Yet I do. A little messed up, don't you think?

What have you found yourself complaining about lately? What blessings do you need to stop and be thankful for?

{There's no high like the Most High, guys}

Shredder Girl, Episode 4: maybe I should stop writing long titles like this...

There are some things that you just can't describe. The first time you hear birds chirp in the spring. The smell of home after a long journey away. The way it feels to ride a rollercoaster. So many things in life that just seem to be beyond words.

Riding a mountain is one of those things. People keep asking me what makes Colorado different, or why it's so amazing so far. Honestly, I can give them reasons, but I can't actually describe it. The word I keep using is breathless.

I've probably used that word over 20 times since moving here. But I seriously do feel breathless - partially because of the high altitude, which makes even walking downstairs become a breathless moment, and partially because of the fact that this place is so beyond what I could ever imagine.

But God is speaking to me through the awe and the breathlessness. He's showing me that it's good that I realize my own weakness. That I need to be humble.

Have you ever watched Inception? It's an amazing movie that kind of rips apart your idea of dreams, time, and...ideas. One of those movies that you can't zone out while you watch it or you'll miss everything. I kind of adore those types of movies, the ones that make you cock your head and go, "Wait...what?"

Anyway, I did have a point in bringing up that movie. There's a scene in the movie that just keeps coming to me. Every time I look at the mountains and I can't breathe because they're real. Every time I realize that I work and live on this mountain and there's no way I deserve it, and no way I'm a good enough rider to be here. Each time, this line just hits me like a well-placed piece of bacon:

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."

And I smile when I think of it because it's like words straight from God. He's the one who put me here. He's saying, "Stop thinking about your weaknesses. I am strong. That is all you need to know. I put you here to play, laugh, enjoy, and work - in My name. Don't be afraid to dream bigger than you ever have before."

I also laugh when these words come to mind, because the scene in the movie is one where Joseph Gordon-Levitt is shooting at bad guys with a little machine gun (or something), and Tom Hardy, broad and masculine, steps up with a rocket launcher and snidely remarks, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."

So if you're struggling in the pits or living high off the hog (don't make fun of my usage of cliches), remember that God has plans bigger than even your imagination can see. His plans, thoughts, words, and ways are so much higher and bigger and crazier than ours! Don't trap yourself by your own boundaries; be freed to follow this crazy God of ours.

Isaiah 55:8-9
Psalm 61:2

Don't be afraid to let yourself be breathless...even if that means risking your life. 

Shredder Girl, Episode 3: Arrival of the Fittest

Seriously though. Guess who the fittest happens to be.

Not us.

Everyone here is chill. And amazing. Okay, I take back the amazing part. Because I'm not sure about Colorado people yet. They're interesting, to be sure. But I feel like everyone here can out-shred us (or at least me) any day, on any board.

I am not going to survive unless I gain some serious snowboarding skill.

We arrived last night, breathless at the craziness and beauty of this journey. But now a slice of reality is on the menu, not least of which is the idea of money.

Paying for you own toilet paper really sets you down a few notches, let me tell you.

I will never, ever take a jar of peanut butter or a refrigerator or toothpaste for granted ever again (and you can remind me of this statement when I look like I'm getting a little too proud, okay?). Grocery shopping is no longer fun. It is a maze of outrageous prices and food that I will never eat again.

Just kidding. It's not that awful. I still don't like paying for stupid things like toilet paper and silverware, though. Maybe it would be cheaper to invest in a bidet...

The mountain is waiting right outside our door and tomorrow...we ride! I am so pumped. And also completely terrified out of my mind because I dont' know how to snowboard on a mountain. I don't know what I'm doing. Plus, I'll be riding a brand-spanking-new board, which is bound to give me a few swerves.

But I made it here.
I'm supposed to be here.
And God is faithful.

I miss everyone back home and I'm not sure how I feel about things here. But it's exciting and demands a bit of awe, this place.

Welcome to adulthood, Caitlin. Welcome to the world of opportunities - and choices.

A few notes about where we are:
1. The room is narrow and cramped. But we turned the two beds into bunk beds, success!
2. Jet lag combined with altitude changes is turning me into lead weight.
3. The people here are either riding or chilling. What else is there to do?
4. I haven't seen the drugs yet. Who knows when that will spring at me. Because yeah, they're legal here.
5. Rugs and bright blankets make a room home. I love my roomie's style <3 p="">6. There's a bunch of movies and books and board games available to borrow from the front desk.
7. We get a free "Thanksgiving" dinner tomorrow night.
8. Laundry. More money. Quarters, anyone?
9. We've already met 3 people from Ohio.
10. So far, no one seems to be talking weird. Bummer. I was hoping to learn knew lingo.

Shredder Girl, Episode 2: Ready...Set...

Exactly 8 months ago to the day, I was stepping on a plane that would take me to Bangkok, Thailand (we had to stop at Chicago and Seoul, South Korea first, but we eventually made it). It was a cold, drearily rainy morning and we had to drive all the way to Cleveland to catch our flight. And hopping on a plane to Thailand came with a heck of a lot of prerequisites, let me tell you.

But somehow I managed to pack, prepare, and survive the 20-hour flight and arrived, breathless and terrified, on a piece of land that was utterly unfamiliar to me.

It seems like so long ago now. The friends I made there seem worlds away. The crazy thing is, my Thailand cohort, Bethany, is back in Thailand right now as we speak. She moved there - for a year. I have a feeling she may never call America home again. Thailand completely captured her heart.

But while Bangkok serenaded all of my senses to the max, it didn't speak to me like a homeland. Instead it spoke to me of a forever foreign and breathtaking land. A place of beauty and kindness, riveting views and astonishing people, and of course, the heat that suffocates as it caresses. I loved it. Yet...it only inspired me to see more. To travel again and again and again and again.

Apparently my great thirst for travel is already to be assuaged, for tomorrow I step out on yet another grand journey with this God of mine. He stretched out His hand and offered me another plane trip (only this one not quite as far away). Another temporary move to a new, thrilling place.

C O L O R A D O .

I barely breathe the word, letting its syllables slide off my tongue and linger in the air, where they expand into slides of sunbeams and fluttering snowflakes and ponds that mirror the incredible beauty of majestic mountains.

God has asked me to move there for 6 months. And I get to snowboard while I'm at it.

I can hardly believe it! It doesn't seem real! Even though my bags are packed - FINALLY (and don't get me started on the outcome of all that backbreaking labor) - my mind just can't wrap itself around the fact that this is actually happening...to me.

And you know what? A part of me doesn't want to go. That part is scared of stepping onto unknown ground, of losing my footing (yet again) and free-falling into God's hands. It's scared of losing things and comfortable jobs and, most of all, people.

Saying goodbye has never been easy for me.

I have been so blessed. I am being so blessed. This crazy God that I am trying to love but only succeeding in betraying, this God who adores His creation and lavishes His love and mercy upon it, this God who is everywhere and knows everything and is beyond what I can understand...this God whom I barely know has already done so much for me.

Besides giving my dreams of travel literal wings with which to take flight and surrounding me with people who love me, He also did something that blows my mind even more.

My Creator died for me.

And somehow that huge cosmic idea of God dying for me and then choosing to spend His time and energy on loving me just blows my mind so much but I still turn around and look at the fake glitz of earth and think that that's where the good stuff is. I see good things in my life and what do I do? I claim them as my rights. They are my reward. I deserve them.

Ha. Puny little Caitlin thinks that she deserves something. Isn't that sweet? Dear immortal that dreams, you deserve nothing from this world. Even less do you deserve something from your Maker.

I am breathless.
I am weightless.

How can there be life better than this? I know that God exists. I know that He loves me.

And I am learning to know Him.

From the hills of Ohio (and soon the mountains of Colorado!),
~Caitlin Marie 

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change

And breakaway...
(BreakawaybyKellyClarkson)

Shredder Girl, Episode 1

13 DAYS. 13 DAYS UNTIL I MOVE TO COLORADO. 13 DAYS TILL I LEAVEEEEEE!

I'm kind of in the freak-out stage right now. That point where it's starting to get close enough that it's real inside my head, so close that I can see the mountains and taste difference in the air...but also close enough that I realize that this move is going to be hard, and different, and it's something that I can't prepare for, even if I go to great lengths to ready myself for it.

That's scary.

I'm throwing myself off the proverbial cliff. Going to Colorado scares me. But the excitement for it is greater than any fear. And isn't that the whole point? How exciting would life be if there was no risk or pain or unknowns?

I remember when I rode my first roller coaster with one of my bestest friends, Lauren. We were so pumped to be riding something that big. We sat in the seats like nothing would hold us back. And then the coaster starting click          click                    clicking     up the first hill. As we got higher and higher and closer to the top, we were struck with absolute terror.

We started saying things like, "Why are we doing this?!" and "I don't ever want to do this again." We even accused each other of making the other one do it. Funny how fear turns us into the biggest blamers ever, eh?

But then suddenly we reached the peak of the coaster and we couldn't think of anything except that steep drop into nothingness. We screamed. And screamed. And kept screaming.

And somewhere along the way, during the loop-de-loops and the force-field spins and the crazy speed that made our eyelids peel back, we realized that we were having the most fun of our lives.

How does that even work? Does it honestly make sense to ride roller coasters and have that fear in your stomach, and yet enjoy it?

I don't really know. But I think that that's kind of how life is. And now Lauren and I are stepping onto another roller coaster together. We're going to live together (!!!) in Colorado while being snowboard instructors at a resort on a mountain. How cool is that?!

We're buckled into the seats (our plane tickets are bought, our stuff is being packed, we've set an end date for our Ohio jobs). Now we're clicking our way to the top of this coaster. And it's scary and beyond amazing. 

This chick, Lauren, that I'm going with...she's an amazing, gorgeous, Godly woman, and we have been friends for years. Since we were like 8 or something. We've been skiing and snowboarding together for ages, too. There was one season out at Snow Trails where we both had a red hoodie that we loved to wear on the slopes. I liked hers better, and she liked mine better - naturally - so we decided to switch.

I still have that hoodie. It has VAIL, COLORADO written on it, and it meant a lot to me about our friendship, so I saved it. Yesterday I attempted a few sewing projects, and I turned that hoodie into a drawstring backpack. I'm taking it out to CO with me ^_^

 Then a pocket on one of my hoodies was coming loose, so I decided to mend it...and I went all random and turned the mend into a heart. Sometimes I just love sewing. (And then there's days when nothing could induce me to touch a needle and thread...)

Then ^^^ I posted it them both Instagram. Because I had to. (you can follow me @ caitlin1001)

So what's your roller coaster these days? What's your latest adventure? Has God ever sent you somewhere crazy? Have you ever skied or boarded before?

Day 2 + Shredder Girl Episode 0

Day 2 of the Whole30. Still going strong! Just kidding guys, I know it's going to be more work than that. It also helps that my mom jumped on the bandwagon and is doing this with me (thanks wonderful Mother!). So far I've discovered that...

• Eggs are salvageable, even if I don't like them generally 
• Curbing the snacking means drinking a ton of water
• Working out feels really good
• Cinnamon + sweet potatoes is the sweetest thing ever and I love it

Now, on to the "Shredder Girl" part. I'm not making a reference to shredding paper, or vegetables, or physically shredding anything. If you don't understand snowboarder vocabulary (there's pretty much an entire language only known to those who ride the slopes), then hang with me. A "shredder" is basically anyone who rides a snowboard and is good at it. Usually it's referred to those who are quite good. It's a cool word, so I use it. 

Normally, I would use that term rather lightly, even though I've been riding for several years now (5 years? 6? I'm not sure). Even though I do it every winter and I love it, it's not my highest passion. And I don't like to take on terms that aren't really true of me when I know people who actually fit that. But...yesterday, things changed.

I got offered a job in Colorado. 

I got offered a job in freaking mountainous Colorado!!!

Colorado, land of sparkling lakes, fantastic views, and towering mountains. I honestly can't imagine what it'll be like. I look up pictures on google and I just stare because, really, there's no way that I'm actually going there...

But I am. What the crap. This is happening. And it means that I'm going to be moving again. 

I'm going to be a snowboard instructor on the powder-filled slopes of one of the many mountains out there. Which is why I feel okay labeling myself a shredder. Because even if I'm not good enough right now to deserve the name, then I will be. Because without a doubt I am going to get better.

Just a bit of ending encouragement as I was running on the treadmill today. It sort of stuck with me all day: 

"So I do not run uncertainly or box like one who hits only air. Instead I subdue my body and make it my slave, so that after preaching to others, I myself will not be disqualified."  

1 Corinthians 9:26-27

That's right. Take that, body! Paul is definitely talking about subduing his body in terms of his sinful flesh, with all of its lusts and feelings and whatnot. But I think that it can further be applied to our physical bodies in terms of exercise and food.

Not that everyone has to be a health freak. Just that we are not to be run by our desires for food, or our tendencies to be lazy, or how tired we feel. God enables us to rise above all of that and listen to His voice - instead of our own.